(Closed) Devastated doesn’t even begin to describe it…

posted 11 years ago in Waiting
Post # 47
Member
1015 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

One more thing I will add is that the relationship with the man you marry should be the easiest relationship you have ever experienced.  This means little or no drama, constant love, etc.  No relationship is perfect, but this means there are no games, no break up/ make up over and over again.

I just clicked on the OP’s profile and saw all of the posts she has made over the past 5 months about her boyfriend not treating her right.  This isn’t how the relationship with the man you marry should be or is (for most of us).

OP – I really hope this works out for you.  In response to your prior response to me – you mention “DD” – is this a child of yours?  If so, I was unaware of that and can totally understand why you aren’t willing to uproot your life.  On the same token though, if your BF was so committed to you, he would uproot his for yours.  I have two male cousins and one close male friend who married women with children from another relationship when they, themselves, had no children and in every case they changed their life for their now wives (and not vice versa) because of the child.  One literally moved across the country.  You mentioned that your BF is only an hour away.  He wouldn’t even need to change jobs I imagine to just move closer to you.  I’m not trying to be a stick in the mud, but you sound like such a good person and like you are putting your all into this relationship.  You deserve someone better. 

Post # 48
Member
394 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

OH ((((Cutelittlebuzzingbee))) Im so sorry you are going through this! Ive been in your exact same spot before and it is absolutely HORRIBLE to deal with. 

Definitely DONT call him/text/msg him at all..I know its extremely tempting but its just like picking at a scab. Find ways to distract yourself..read books, take your DD out for ice cream and shopping, watch movies, scrapbook, etc.

You deserve so much better and I know you will find happiness again soon! <3

Post # 50
Member
1015 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

If he can’t be “happy” until he has a “regular job” and you end up marrying him, what happens if he gets into a car accident, or loses his job?  Would he just leave you until he got his stuff straightened out?  Or, God forbid, what if something truly terrible happened, would he stand by your throughout it?

He sounds very selfish.  If he wants to make you his wife, he will come hell or high water.  It just sounds like excuse after excuse.  You deserve someone soo much better!!

Post # 51
Member
656 posts
Busy bee

Sounds like he is trying to weezle his way back in..

Post # 52
Member
1830 posts
Buzzing bee

Yikes, all this emotional back and forth.  It does seem like you guys should either break up or hit some sort of reset button.

It doesn’t seem like he’s ready for marriage if he’s talking about a break and seems like he’s got a significant number of things he’s worried about and needs to talk about.  They could be excuses or they could be real if there hasn’t been productive discussions on the specific subjects before.

But at this point I would be a bit worried about why the discussiosn haven’t been productive and there is an excuse around every corner.  Why would he feel like he can’t just talk to you about it without blowing up and blowing you off? 

Post # 53
Member
1830 posts
Buzzing bee

And what in the world does a job have to do with deleting you from his facebook account….sorry but that’s super sketch.

Post # 54
Member
165 posts
Blushing bee

I am so sorry this is all happening, first of all!

 

The Text: That is such a random thing to say (to me). It’s SO random in light of what’s been going on, that I would make sure that text wasn’t meant for someone else and he texted you by accident! Wouldn’t the first one be “I’m sorry, let’s work it out?” or something?

I wouldn’t respond to that at ALL. Let him sweat. Give it a month at least to start. You can even have fun with this. Everyday you don’t talk to him, either put a gold star on the calendar or X out the days. On the last day of the month circle it and write “ME” in big RED letters. Meaning you are closer to making YOURSELF HAPPY. Then on that day pamper yourself.

It sounds silly but it really helps. Think of it as a GOAL. The goal is no longer about marrying him. The new goal is getting over him. And each day you will be closer to reaching it and being happy. Meanwhile do anything to keep busy, and live your life. 

When you’re in a relationship for so long (Mine is 6 and a half, just engaged this year…he had until the end of summer, true story…) it CAN seem like you and him are one person. But along the years I’ve realized that I am my first priority and no matter if we are broken up or happily together I need to realize that the best relationship and MOST important one I have is to myself, which means taking care of me and caring about ME first more than HIM. It sounds selfish but it’s so true you need to worry about you before anything else so you can put your best foot forward in any other relationship. But it’s easier said than done.

Men seem to learn that lesson moreso than women which is why they seem to move on quicker. Also, Men seem to KNOW what they want and don’t want in most cases. But even if they KNOW what they DON’T want, they still are scared little boys when it comes to breaking a woman’s heart.  Which is why they start hemming and hawing at things that they know they don’t want, which in this case is marriage, but when they do want something you CANNOT stop them from getting it. 

I know it’s easier said than done to leave this guy alone, but once you become preoccupied with catching up with YOU and having a relationship with YOU, and working on YOU and stop focusing on HIM, it’ll get a little easier. Even your daughter, she’s a HUGE part of you. Spend time with her. Focus on what is going on with school, her friends, join the PTA or something, meet parents, etc. Kids pick up on stress with mommy!

Even if you do have a moment of weakness and send a “hi” text (which I wouldn’t recommend) forgive yourself and start over the next day. Remember you LOVE YOU, so even if you do meet up with him, etc, be kind to yourself anyway. But I say stay away. Give it a week. Then two weeks, and again, make it like a goal. You deserve happiness!

 

 

Post # 55
Member
1751 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

It sounds like he realizes it could be easier on him to keep stringing you along, especially b/c you are supportive, with him having sketchy employment. Actions speak louder than words! He has not manned up – you can be in love and with the one you love without a penny in your pocket. He is full of excuses. I wouldn’t take his calls anymore, and let him sweat. And in the meantime, you’ll be that many calls and days into getting over him.

Post # 56
Member
152 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2006

Good grief things were so much easier before we had FB, texting and email.  Then people had to talk — at least on the phone — to break up with one another! (Although I once had a guy break up with me by telling my brother.  He is now referred to by my husband as “That guy you dated who has no balls.” *smiles*)

Here’s the thing my Daddy said to me that my brother and husband both have repeated several times over the years whenever one of my friends said they were “practically” engaged or “practically” living together:

“We’re men.  We either do or we don’t.  If we want something we go get it.  If we want you, we won’t hesitate to ask because we’re afraid we’ll lose you to someone else if we act like a puss.  If he doesn’t try, he doesn’t want.  Don’t waste your time.”

Your child is watching you.  Do you want someone to treat her this way?  Stand up and show her that you can be OK without a BF so in 6 years she is at college studying and not falling for every line those college boys can think up! (And don’t worry about paying, pretty much everyone needs loans!)

Post # 57
Member
4005 posts
Honey bee

I agree that he’s starting to panic b/c you haven’t called him back yet today. It’s not about him having the right job, it’s about him treating you with respect. He’s not willing to make any sacrafices for you, but he wants you to make sacrafices for him. It’s not a one way street and doesn’t work that way. A relationship is all about both people giving 110% to the relationship. You’re giving 110% and he’s giving 10%.

You certainly deserve better that that. Like Mrs. Louboutin said, is he going to ditch you and your DD the minute he gets stressed out in your marriage (if he ever proposes)? The way he’s treating you certainly wouldn’t be cool with me.

Post # 58
Member
578 posts
Busy bee

I am sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like he is taking the cowards way out, and I am not a big fan of “breaks” either. Stay strong girly…

((HUGS))

Post # 59
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I truly am sorry you are going through something like this, and even though we don’t know each other reading your posts I feel for you and remember what this was like when I was younger. However, that being said, I remember feeling this way and being obsessed over a guy when I was 16, and from your posts and the fact that you have a DD I am assuming you are not 16. Perhaps instead of obsessing over his FB status, his text messages, what time he hasn’t called since, how he said something 8 months ago you should go out and do something with your DD. Your lovely daughter should be your main FOCUS…not some a$$hole who seems to care less. I know this is harsh but when I was younger I wish someone has said the same thing to me, instead of obsessing over someone who is not worth it, and is not someone who deserves your love, and also the Love of your DD.

Yes, it is hard now but just wait till you find that man who will make you happy ALL the time, instead of someone who makes you feel like Cry ALL the time.

 

Good luck friend…

Post # 61
Member
955 posts
Busy bee

Okay I know you are going through the hardest part of this but…….Do you realize you are obsessed with how he thinks and feels right now? 

Could you worry a bit more about yourself and your DD right now?  You could be taking care of yourself and that means cutting him out of the picture.  He already cut you out, take the hint that he is nuts!  Maybe 3 years ago he was the wonderful loving man of your dreams but that is gone….it’s changed.  Please stop clinging to the past.  It’s super super super hard to go and guarantee we all have been there….I’ve been there many times and it’s not going to kill you to get over him.  There is life afterwards I swear!

I’ve commented as much the past couple of months and you keep letting him manipulate you….STOP IT!  Seriously if I was your best girlfriend and there with you I would lock your phone up or disconnect it or whatever.  I would take you to my house so if he happened to stop by you wouldn’t be there.  I would remind you that you have been in agony for too long now and it is time to let go!

Maybe this is harsh but no harsher than he is being to you right now  Frown 

 

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