(Closed) Devastated doesn’t even begin to describe it…

posted 11 years ago in Waiting
Post # 107
Member
343 posts
Helper bee

Good girl – you’re hanging in there.  I’m very impressed.  Now, we’re going to get you to a point where you’re not obsessing over him at all.  Not worried when he texts or when he calls.  He doesn’t deserve your attention or energy. 

 

Stay strong and know that someone worthy of your love and your DD’s is out there.  I promise.  

 

don’t don’t don’t give in.  We’re all watching out for you.

 

 

Post # 108
Member
846 posts
Busy bee

Now is the time for YOU!!!  and your DD!!!  It is true, we are ALL wanting the BEST for you!!  Just like you dyed your hair, every day think of what you want to do for yourself tomorrow.  Then it will be easier!  What would you like to do for yourself today??  What plans do you want to make for yourself tomorrow??  Plan out your free time with new fun hobbies or spending time taking care of yourself.  Maybe shop for some new nail polish or lipstick?  Get a manicure?  etc.   Continue to put yourself first –you deserve it, and you deserve better.  He had his chance, he gave it up!!!  Seriously!!!  Have a wonderful day!!!  Let us know what you are planning next!!!  ๐Ÿ™‚  Keep up the good work!

Post # 109
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2009

The worst thing you can do is call someone who broke up with you. It won’t do any good and it makes you appear really desperate.

I think you know in your heart that you guys don’t really belong together. It’s clear neither of you have been happy. I think you are not mourning the loss of your boyfriend so much as the loss of what you thought you were going to have with him–a wedding, a live-in boyfriend, etc.

It does not sound like you guys were suited to each other with regard to what you want for your futures, I don’t think you were happy with the “long distance” thing, I think your exboyfriend’s hestitation about wanting to get married makes it obvious that he was not comfortable with such a commitment because he knew it wasn’t working, and I think that breaking up with you is the best thing your boyfriend could have done. Otherwise, he was just stringing you along. It was not working, and that’s okay. Trust me, it’s better to commit yourself to someone who DOES work for you, rather than make the mistake so many of us do in marrying someone who is completely wrong for us.

You are free to heal and the find someone with whom it does work! I think that’s wonderful, and I think you’ll be just fine. In fact, after the shock wears off, you may find that you feel lighter and better–you spent so much time before worrying about what he thinks, when he’ll marry you, why he’s so distant, etc. When was the last time you concentrated on you? ๐Ÿ˜€

Stay strong. *hugs*

Post # 110
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@CuteLittleBuzzingBee: So sorry ๐Ÿ™ . If you want to talk about what happ. we’re here. If you need some advice… just ask!!! *Hugs*

Post # 111
Member
1374 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Two things you said struck me:

The first was when you said you’re hoping he’ll realize he can’t live without you and propose.   There are two things wrong with that:

1. The last time you didn’t talk to him for 5 whole days, he came crawling back with his tail between his legs, promising an engagement within 1 to 3 months, right?  Did that ever happen?  What makes you think this time would be different from last time?

2. His message.  The way you described his “awww” voice when he said he knows what you want.  WTF? That’s just mean.  He knows that you desperately want to marry him and that is why you’re leaving, yet he makes a comment indicating he thinks what you want is CUTE?  Seriously?  That’s a real jerk thing to do.  He doesn’t seem to have a whole lot of empathy for what you’re going through or your wants and desires.  It seems to be all about him.  Which would explain all of his excuses and why he continues to harass you with calls and texts when he knows how hard it must be for you to ignore him.  He doesn’t care about what you want.  The only thing that matters to him is HIM.  He has done nothing to show otherwise.

Keep strong.  I have not one iota of doubt you are absolutely doing the right thing.

Post # 112
Member
1081 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I know you love him. I know you miss him. I know he “can” be sweet.

The problem is that he is not something that I believe is the crux of any long lasting marriage: “reliable”. A person who tells us one thing and does another, over and over is even worse than a guy who tells us no. He is ambivalent. You deserve someone who will do what they tell you they will do.

Stick to your guns cupcake. This guy can’t have you at all unless he puts his money where his mouth is. Do not even respond to his words. Decide every word he says is like the boy crying wolf. Unless there’s a ring, or a wedding venue booked by him, or a set of keys to your new abode (which by the way, after 3 years shouldn’t come without an engagement too if you ask me) then consider him FOOLS GOLD!!!

You have a child. Children need people they can rely on as parents and examples for their future.

Stand firm Cupcake. We are all here to get you through this inevitable pain. If you ask me you just made one of the best decisions of your life. Bring on the real deal!!

Xxx

A

Post # 113
Member
1374 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Crap.  This message board REALLY needs an edit feature!  The second thing wrong with you saying  you hope he’ll realize he can’t live without you is that, like I said above, with a guy like that, the ring means nothing.  First, he’s not giving it to you because he wants to.  He’s giving it to you because he knows you’ll leave if he doesn’t.  It’s a shut up ring, that is all.  Shut up rings seldom result in actual marriages and if they DO, those marriages usually are followed quickly by divorce.  Is that what you really want?

Post # 114
Member
806 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

A ring would just be a temporary bandaid to your situation

Post # 115
Member
4194 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

That latest message screams to me that he is still working this out in his mind. Please please please be strong and give it more time before responding or answering his calls. He will still be there in 2 days and so will you. The world will still turn, I promise!

When you do eventually talk to him, be open and honest and stand firm that you love him, but need more from the relationship if it’s going to continue. Don’t badger him wtih questions, there’s no point. If he wants to commit, he’ll do it and DON’T get back together with him without a ring or a date you are moving in. This is obviously very important to you and the relationship is no good anymore if he doesn’t budge.

Good luck!!! And remember, as much as you are hurting right now about 99.9% of us have gone through something very similar! (myself included). Life goes on and we eventually meet the one who would give his right arm to have us as his wife!!

Post # 116
Member
1524 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I would stop listening to his messages and just delete.  I’d also delete his number from your phone and arrange to have his e-mails sent straight to your spam folder.

Even though you’re broken up, most of your mental and emotional energy is still going to him.  Time spent interpreting his tone, his phrasing, number of hours between calls, whether he calls, etc. is time not spent working on figuring out what you want and why you continued to stay in a relationship that was clearly not going anywhere.  That’s not an attack – lots of people hang on to toxic connections for far longer than is healthy – but it does mean that some introspection is in order.

This guy sounds like he may be a decent person, but the two of you certainly aren’t on the same page WRT to marriage.  Nothing in your history supports the idea that he will undergo a sudden change of heart (or basic personality) and become what you need.  And do you really want to marry a person who needs a deadline to propose?

 

Post # 117
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2009

He is toying with you. Don’t let him.

Post # 118
Member
4005 posts
Honey bee

I couldn’t agree more with the most recent posters. A ring at this point is a bandaid to what is a very broken relationship. I know you said you would only want him back if he was your fiance, but honestly…do you even want that at this point?

And his message would have infuriated me. This isn’t a game that you’re playing. It’s almost as if he thinks that the two of you are just fighting and you’re only using the breakup to get him to sweat. You really need to stand your ground and not get back together with him no matter what he promises. He’s done nothing but treat you badly – all of your previous posts indicate that he only ever thinks of himself. You need to start thinking about yourself and your DD. You two are the most important things right now and he lost out on that. He had his time and he wanted a break…so see ya pal. Find someone better…you DESERVE better!!!

Sorry – had to add…does anyone want to be proposed to b/c you put pressure on their significant other to propose? Don’t you want him to WANT to propose to you on his own without you giving him an ultimatum? B/c usually when that happens, the person proposing ends up resenting the person they’re proposing to. He’s not ready and you need to move on from him! You’re doing so well!! Keep it up, and certainly don’t call him back. I’m so angry for you with that message he left!

Post # 119
Member
1374 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Oh, there’s absolutely nothing worse than a “shut up” ring.  That’s what happened with my ex-FI.  I nagged him and nagged him.  I saw an email he left up one day where he was telling a friend he was proposing because “she’s put in her time, what are you gonna do?”  The proposal consisted of him basically shoving a ring at me across the table at a resturant on my birthday.  He never even proposed really, just shoved the ring at me.  It was horrifying.  Needless to say, we broke up less than a year later.  Not one single wedding plan had been made. 

My SO now has a totally different outlook on marriage.  He WANTS to get married.  He gets excited talking about it.  I know it’s going to happen soon, I have no doubt.  And I know he’s going to do it because he WANTS to, not because he’s being forced to.  The difference is astounding.

OP, you deserve the latter type of relationship, not the former.  I think your guy infuriates me because he reminds me a lot of my ex.  Same kind of disrespectful, dismissive attitude.  He’s toxic.  You’re gonna have to break away (and it’s HARD, I know) in order to invite in something better.

Post # 120
Member
343 posts
Helper bee

I agree – I don’t want my SO to propose UNLESS it’s his heart’s desire.  Not because I think it’s time or my parents think it’s time.  You’re just wasting time if you accept a ring from this man, and you know it’s true.  I hope you soon meet someone else and then you can put him completely out of your head.  Someone who treats you like a human being, not a toy.  This man is toxic!!  And a player.  And it makes me mad and I don’t even know you. 

A story for you.  My SO’s ex wife….they met, and moved in together pretty quickly because she had some financial issues and he was temporarily helping her out (in his mind).  He wanted to date her, but he was never fully committed.  But he went on along.  Well, one day out of the blue her daughter called him up saying “I’m so glad you and mommy are getting married.”  He hadn’t even proposed or discussed marriage with her.  So, he confronted her and she was “oh, come on, it’ll be great.  I’m going to inherit millions when my dad dies, and we’ll be rick and happy.”  So, he gave in and he said even on his wedding day he knew he shouldn’t be going through with it. 

So the point of the story is – unless this is a man’s true desire, without nagging or pushing him, it’s not going to work.  

you hold out sweetie – for the fairy tale.  Like Julia Roberts said “I want it all. I want the Fairy Tale.”  That’s what I want.  That’s why I’m letting my relationship unfold.  and I want a proposal that comes straight from him not being able to stand it anymore….just has to propose. 

you hang in – DON’T GO BACK into this cycle.  Heck, if you have to I’ll give you my phone number and I’ll stop you if you just call me.

 

Post # 121
Member
1751 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

@teaandtoast – yes, that’s what I would suggest too. Delete him everywhere, you don’t even need to see his messages, because every message you take brings him back to the front of your mind. You need time and space to heal. And with time and space you’re going to realize that you did what was best for you and your DD! Make her proud and be your best ๐Ÿ™‚

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