Post # 1
Reg bee going anon.
I got married a month ago dh and i have been together over 7 years and have a great relationship. We are stereotypical newlyweds right now, annoyingly happy. I’m late twenties he’s 30.
I’m not on birth control because I’m allergic. We usually use pull out and avoid sex during the danger zone. We stupidly threw caution to the wind on our wedding night, and now I’m pregnant. And I don’t know what to do.
I should say I’m very much pro choice and want to weigh my options.
I just started a new job a week ago, a big promotion with potential for a large bonus ($20,000 – $50,000 depending on success) at the end of 2019 financial year. We only have $5000 in savings, rent and I would not be eligible for maternity leave as here you need to be in your job for 12 months when you have the baby, to get it. Money would be tight on one income. We had plans to save for a deposit this year and after my bonus, move to a cheaper state and then start a family. I’m on the standard 3 months probation at the start of a new job and my boss is heartless – if he found out I have no doubt he’d terminate me as it wouldn’t suit him. Illegal but since I’m on probation he wouldn’t have to give a reason so he could get away with it.
On the other hand, I want to be a mum. Emotionally I’m ready to be a mum. I feel guilty and awful for thinking about terminating when I’m not in a terrible situation. I have more in common with my friends who are mums than the ones who are still partying or travelling.
Dh is no help. He just says hell support me no matter what. He says it’s my body so my choice. I think he wants me to terminate but wont say it but it’s hard to know as he says he doesn’t want to influence my decision. That sounds bad but we haven’t fought or argued about it. We both know we want kids someday so he just says its my choice if I’m ready to go through pregnancy now or not. He has raised concerns about the money.
I don’t know what to do and cant talk to anyone else IRL. Can the bees please give me some wisdom and advice?
Post # 2
anonbee1991 : I’m probably very biased as I’m pregnant at the moment… but I’ll say my 2 cents anyway.
You are with the man you love, you have savings (I have none because my bub was IVF), and you feel ready to be a mum. I got the sense from your post that terminating wouldn’t be an easy decision. I would think really carefully, without rushing your decision, and consider counselling of some description. Feeling guilty and awful about terminating makes me think you want this bub, just at a more convenient time! As someone with fertility issues, just be aware that sometimes timing is out of our control.
To me the money isn’t a big issue. Money comes and goes. As I said before, all my savings got used up due to infertility. I have bought most things for bub second hand and we will manage. So try to think outside of your savings if possible. I do understand your concerns around your job and maternity leave.
Big hugs. This is a massive decision. Just give yourself time to think and discuss this with your husband. He kinda needs to get involved more. You’ll need his support either way. Xxx
Post # 3
Sometimes life has other plans. Are you in a country with universal healthcare? That $5k sounds like a nice chunk but if you have deductibles and copays for delivery, it’s going to go quick.
You say money will be tight but you don’t seem to feel like it’s undoable so I would look into ways to cut back anywhere you can (no cable only internet, not going out to eat etc)
Also, childcare for when you go back to work after leave. That will be a huge cost.
And don’t tell your boss yet. How long is your probationary period? Wait until that passes to tell him, wait as long as you can.
Post # 4
I personally would not terminate if I were in your position. I couldn’t do it (I’m pro-choice). You’re married to a man you love. It may not be the best timing, but life does things like this sometimes. We aren’t always ready for what we get, but you have 9 months to get ready.
I always think about the worst case scenario…don’t know why. But what if you terminate this and end up having fertility issues In the future when you actually are trying to have a baby? You’d probably feel awful and regretful.
Personally, if I were you, I would wait as long as you possibly can to tell work. I have a friend who is up for a new position at work that she really wants, and she’s 16 weeks along. She won’t tell anyone until that position is definitely hers. I would definitely go that route if I were you. That’s just me though.
Post # 5
It sounds like you’ll be able to get through a pregnancy financially, so I recommend you think through how you see your future as parents…. if you leave the workforce 8-9 months from now, how will it affect your career path? Is your husband able to take paternity leave? Whose career has more potential to be the main earner?
Ideally, you could re-enter the workforce in a year or so and earn about the same pay you’re making now. The salary will cover childcare and the company has advancement opportunities. Naturally, this all depends on your skills and industry.
A more realistic scenario for keeping the pregnancy- you can re-enter the workforce in a year or so, at 20-30% less pay, and it takes you 3-5 years to make it back to where you are right now. I’m in sales so I know this would be my best case… my skills are completely replaceable.
Worst case- you’re unable to get back on the career path you originally set out on, and take “just any job” making significantly less with little opportunities for advancement. You’re working just to put food on the table. This is my working mom fear.
I’ve also just started a job so if I were in your shoes I’d have to terminate. Fulfillment in my career means as much to me as having a family does someday. I know I won’t have the option to take more than a few months mat leave because we’ll need the double income for a comfortable lifestyle with kids. Timing really is everything for working moms and there seem to be no wins for women. I wish you health and the best of luck, Bee.
Post # 6
There’s nothing wrong with considering terminating a pregnancy. Just because you consider it doesn’t mean you have to do it. Don’t feel guilty, it’s just part of the decision making process.
I don’t know how far along you are, but you have a few weeks to weigh your options and decide what is best. In the meantime, say nothing to anyone at work.
Can you manage without your income if you take unpaid maternity leave? If yes, I would lean towards having the baby. If not then I would weigh your options to make a decision that you are comfortable with.
Post # 7
I’m so sorry you’re struggling with this, bee. Just wanted to say that regardless of what anyone says here, the decision is entirely up to you and you alone.
My guess is you’ll get many responses saying that you should view this as a happy surprise and try to make it work. It’s a site with a big contingent of those who are TTC/pregnant/proud mothers, afterall. And at the end of the day, if you come to that conclusion yourself, great.
But it is 100000% okay if you don’t.
As someone with an 11-week-old, I’m here to say that babies change everything. I love my son to the ends of the earth, and I’m fortunate that both Dh and I have generous parental leave policies and don’t need to worry about money, but even then—there are challenges each and every day and I sometimes find myself missing my pre-baby life, thinking maybe we should have waited a couple more years. From the moment our son was born, it was like our universe shifted, with him at the center of it. It was such a monumental change that even I had underestimated. It may be something you and your husband are ready for right now, but it may not be. You can want a baby, but not want a baby right now.
Take the time you need to come to a decision that you are at peace with. Wishing you well 💛
Post # 8
You’re married and financially stable…. there’s no better time to start a family
(You also don’t know what may happen in the future… the risk of putting off starting a family is that you may not be able to get pregnant when you want to)
Post # 9
I am pro choice. My youngest child I almost terminated. His “dad” was abusive. I ended the relationship. He was treatening taking the baby after it was born. Just a horrible situation. I was a single mom,no savings, no job but receiving unemployment and 2 other children. It was tough but we made it. Never once have I looked back and regretted canceling the appointment for the abortion.
It is an extremely difficult decision and only you can truly make it. You will make it through whatever decision you choose if you are truly at peace with it.
Post # 10
Being as logical as I can be here – your reasons for not terminating don’t seem to make as much sense as your reasons for terminating. You don’t have to feel awful and guilty for terminating when you’re not in a horrible situation. An abortion is an abortion and a fetus is a fetus. Just because you weren’t raped and aren’t on welfare doesn’t mean you have to go forward, and it doesn’t mean you have to feel guilty. Additionally, I don’t think it matters how much you have in common with your friends who are moms. And it somewhat matters that you want to be a mom someday. But you want to be a mom years from now in a different state.
To me, it sounds like you were struggling to think of reasons to go forward with the pregnancy. That is just my two cents, and I wanted to put that out there. Do you think you would feel guilty forever? Even with your husband’s support, and possibly counseling? Because this human you’re bringing into the world would be forever, and you have the right to say that right now isn’t the right time. I also don’t personally believe that you should carry to term for fear of feeling guilty otherwise. That’s just not the best reason for bringing a child into this world. Again, you have the right to say that now is not the time.
Post # 11
This is a hard d3cision
To me what sticks out is that you want to be a mom. Life has a way of changing plans. Could your husband take time off or go past time after the birth?
We just got married and immediately pregnant too(although ours was planned) and I don’t get official maternity leave with my job, so I have to use PTO. I didn’t really save it up, so I’ll probably only have 6 weeks saved by my due date. Dh gets 8 weeks through his company. We could do fmla as well because I’ve been at my job 6 years, but what we’ll probably end up doing is have Dh go part time for a year(his job is more flexible at that too, part time is not an option for me).The joy of me working for the government and Dh working for a company, much better benefits in the private sector.
I’m just saying there might be more options out there for support or childcare if what you want is to be a mom. Is your company at all child friendly? They may work with you on your schedule and leave.
Post # 12
Just because you’re married or financially stable doesn’t make this the right time for you. There are many happily married women who get abortions. There is no one right reason for them.
You are a person in all of this, not just a vessel for procreation, and your feelings are important. If you feel like your career would suffer, and that would make you regret this, or even feel resentful, that is all completely valid. It’s unfair that only women have to consider these things, but it’s realistic.
There is also no evidence that i have ever seen suggesting abortions lead to fertility issues. Sure, you could struggle to conceive later, and you could also get hit by a bus and die crossing the street. Are you going to stay in your house forever bc of that? Of course not. Point is, don’t have a child you don’t otherwise want on the chance you might never get pregnant again. Frankly, that’s a stupid reason to bring a whole person into the world.
Pp are right. Babies are expensive and time-consuming. Having one will change your entire life. And the only reason to do it is because it’s what you both truly want, and are ready for. Of course people make it work. But is that what you both want to do?
Post # 13
Nobody here can tell you whether you should terminate or continue with the pregnancy. It is entirely up to you.
If you believe you’ll be able to cope financially, aren’t too worried about your job prospects, will feel deep guilt of you terminate, and most importantly, want a child soon, then continuing the pregnancy may be the best option for you.
If you are worried about how you will manage, aren’t ready or willing to care for a child in the immediate future, or have other things that you want to focus on first, then termination may be the best option for you.
Lastly, the majority of women who have terminations are married/in a long term relationship and already have at least one child. You don’t have to be “in a terrible situation” to make that decision if it is the one you feel you need to make.
I hope that whichever decision you make is well thought out, and right for you OP.
Post # 14
- Wedding: September 2017 - City, State
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. As PP’ers have said…we can’t tell you what to do, but we can be here to help ease your mind.
For me, this wouldn’t be the ideal situation to be pregnant in. Sounds like your husband has tried to be sweet and encouraging…but I think you two could use a really good, honest, sit down talk to discuss finances, goals, and what the two of you think would be best for your life together. Babies are a lot of work, a lot of money, and a lot of time. The financial aspect makes me worry for you two, but you know your situation better than I do.
If you feel you’re not ready…you’re not ready. You don’t have to justify that to anyone. But if you feel that you two can make it work financially and are prepared to bring a baby into the world, then going on with the pregnancy is the right choice.
I hope that this helps, and please know that we are here and thinking of you.
Post # 15
Just remember, your body may or may not give you a second chance at a child.
One pregnancy is not a guarantee of another.