devastated, please help

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1143 posts
Bumble bee

You dodged a bullet. Sounds like the kind of man that would leave his kids and pregnant wife without a second thought… 

Post # 3
Member
1754 posts
Buzzing bee

“I keep thinking that he is happy and a better man with this new person.”

He’s not and probably never will be. Someone who needs a new girlfriend lined up before they leave the old one is very unhappy and insecure. I’ve seen a lot of my girlfriends do this, line up the new boyfriend before leaving the old one. They have a lot of issues and it’s not a sign of anything good really. It doesn’t mean they’re such a great catch that they just have boyfriends lined up waiting for them. This is an issue with him, not you, and now his new girlfriend will have to deal with his issues. I’m sorry this happened to you. Take time to mourn your relationship and feel sad, but know that you’re better off without him.

Post # 4
Member
3744 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

hawaiian87 :  Oh bee, I feel for you! I was with my ex for 7 years as well. Unfortunately we did end up getting married but 1.5 years in, I caught him cheating. Turns out he’d been cheating the whole 7 years… I was right where you are 2 years ago. We stayed in touch a bit for the first year and while he seemed happy, he was not (I know because he told me he was happy but i could tell he was not just by our conversations. he was tortured and has to live with a lot of guilt, as does your ex)… Neither of them will be truly happy without a lot of serious professional help. You absolutely dodged a bullet (as did I). I now have a SO I’ve been with for 10 months and I couldnt have ever imagined a love like this with my ex. It really sucks now, I know it does. But you were meant to have better and you will. Take time to figure out who you are now, what you love and what makes your soul happy. The right person will come along when the time is right and for now, just enjoy your freedom! Enjoy being able to do whatever the hell you want, whenever the hell you want to without having to check-in or pre-plan… it’s a glorious time! I’m so sorry this happened to you!

Post # 5
Member
1547 posts
Bumble bee

So sorry. I agree with PP that you need time to mourn the loss of this relationship. Time will heal. You deserve a man who wants to be with you and only you.

You’re story also reminds me of the Little Big Town song Better Man. You deserve a better man bee. Take care of yourself.

 

Post # 6
Member
1312 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Fuck this guy and the horse he rode in on. 

Post # 7
Member
49 posts
Newbee

I am new here too. I think the reason you didn’t get much feedback here is because everyone is thinking the same thing and they are assuming it is obvious to you. He didn’t just make one mistake and beg you for forgiveness, he selfishly hurt you in multiple ways during a long term relationship. You know he is not the one for you. It’s hard to start over when a 7 year relationship ends, but you can do it, and you will find happiness.

Post # 8
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

I have been where you are and I know how badly this hurts. Please trust me when I say you will be THANKING YOUR LUCKY STARS YOU DODGED THIS BULLET when the dust settles.

I know it doesn’t seem like it now….. your wounds are still fresh and very raw but you will heal. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to heal from your loss (don’t jump into a new relationship or even dating too quickly) …..

Now I can look back at the good times my ex and I shared with fondness, I also have a lot of valuable life lessons I learned from the relationship we shared ….. but I have let the hurt and negative feelings go and moved on. Happily!

I am now engaged to a wonderful man and THANK my ex for releasing me from that relationship….. if he wouldn’t have I would have never met the love of my life! 

(((hugs to you))))

Post # 9
Member
947 posts
Busy bee

You deserve better than what he did to you, but he also seems not to have had enough to offer you anyway.  Let yourself heal.  I know how hard this is… realizing the person you were with isn’t the man you believed, but instead a petulant child, can be really, really hard.  I waited a year and a half after my last relationship to start dating again, and I spent that year and a half really getting to know ME, rather than a man.  I decided I’m a ton more valuable than most of them in my life have ever come close to realizing.  You will be able to do the same, I promise you.  You have so much to offer… no reason to waste it on a man-child. 

Post # 10
Hostess
8560 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

hawaiian87 :  what a c*#*. I’m so sorry this happened to you but now you are free to heal and then one day find someone who wants to marry you and isn’t a skeevy asshole. 

Post # 11
Member
9858 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Been there, done that.

You’ll move on and be fine. He will likely be fine as well, and thats okay. 

Post # 12
Member
2219 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

I had a relationship end in similar fashion. I knew how I felt about him, but he insisted he wasn’t sure. After we dated a while I realized that if he claimed he didn’t know, that meant it wasn’t right. I broke things off while he was out of town for a few weeks. I did it mostly because it was the first time I’d gotten him to admit he didn’t love me, and also because I knew if we were face to face it would be harder for me to follow through.

He was gone for another few days but had to come to my house to get his car, since he’d left it there when he flew out. I called him and asked if we could meet somewhere to just have a brief post-mortem. Not to change my mind, not to do anything more than have a proper goodbye conversation.

He wouldn’t answer my call, and when I texted him asking to meet, he told me he was already seeing someone else and it wouldn’t be appropriate.

I was gobsmacked. He wasn’t even HOME and he managed to find a new girlfriend?? In less than a week?? I was very hurt. I realized there had to have been some overlap. I felt like a fool. Like our time together had been a lie, and that there was something wrong with me for not seeing that sooner.

It’s been a while, and I’ve moved on to be with someone who makes me very happy and loves me the way the ex never did. The thing I realized is that what he did had nothing to do with me.

He was processing some emotional stuff from a previous relationship he hadn’t gotten over yet. I was a distraction from feeling pain and dwelling on how he sabotaged his marriage. He cheated on me, and probably on her, and will probably cheat on the person after that, too.

Whatever may be going on with him, it isn’t about you. I know it’s hard to feel that right now, but it is patently the case. You deserve someone emotionally mature enough to treat you honorably; whether that’s asking you to marry him, or breaking things off once he realizes he doesn’t want that.

Try not to dwell on what he might be doing, or how he is acting, because it ultimately has nothing to do with you. Even if he did snap into shape and become wonderful, he didn’t or couldn’t do that for you. Whatever is happening in his life is now irrelevant to your future. Set thoughts of him aside and focus on yourself. Offer yourself compassion and patience. Start trying to envision the way you want your future to look like. Without him in it.  

Post # 13
Member
640 posts
Busy bee

hawaiian87 :  You are DEFINITELY better off. Also, just because someone looks happy on the outside, or social media, or whatever, does NOT mean they are. People only show you what they want you to see!! 

Post # 15
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2018 - Fremont, CA

hawaiian87 :  treating his girlfriend wonderfully is called the honeymoon phase. He will – most likely – never change.

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