(Closed) Devastating day today… needing a hug

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1190 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I’m really sorry, that sounds like a very frustrating issue. It’s not easy waiting for something you’re not sure will even come. 

I understand about him wanting to provide for you, but it’s a pretty traditional stance. Have you expressed that you’d be ok with getting engaged before he has a full time job? Have you talked about why it’s important to you to get engaged soon? Sounds like there may be some communcation issues. Why does he refuse to compromise on the timeframe? 

Honestly, I think you take a day or two and really examine your feelings. Then when you feel like you’ll be able to express yourself without being super emotional, ask to talk to him. See if you can get him to tell you why you can’t compromise. 

Buying a house is a great investment! Could you reallocate some of the funds for the house for a ring? Or compromise on that until he has a full time job? 

It sounds like you both were emotional, so maybe a few days will clear both your heads and then you can talk and come up with some sort of solution that you both agree on. 

I’ve heard a lot of Bees talk about the worry that they won’t be excited when the proposal comes. It seems like after a talk to get on the same page, they feel much better. And most Bees, even after waiting a long time express that the excitement was still there and they were very happy. 

I hope this helps! Keep us posted!

Post # 4
Member
1668 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

First off, (((hugs)))

Second, I think your SO is trying to do what he thinks is the right thing. He wants to be able to take care of you and be financially able to do so. He may have other reasons for wanting to wait too. There is the option of compromising though.  Perhaps you two could discuss having a longer engagement, that’s what my Fiance and I did. FI was much like your SO, but he knew it was important to me (and him too) to take the next step and get engaged. So our engagement will be a total of 2 1/2 years. It worked for us and made us both happy.

I think you should have a sit down with your SO and discuss if there are other options that could make you both happy.

Post # 5
Member
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Marriage means different things to different people. It sounds like he things marriage is about being financially ready to support another person, and a future together, which is why he’s not ready to make the leap yet. For you, marriage may be more focused on commitment, love, taking a relationship closer (just guessing here)!

I agree with the PP, you guys need to get on the same page. He needs to understand that you don’t expect him to be well off or have a job or pay for everything once wed. That you won’t have 34343 babies the next day, and that you can take time to get more settled in your careers/house before taking more expensive steps. That its the assurance of the relationship and not financial prosperity that is important to you.

Whatever happens, good luck to you! Stay strong !

Post # 6
Member
307 posts
Helper bee

Hugs!!! Not feeling particularly verbose right now but I know exactly how you feel – you’re not alone! Hang in there!

Post # 7
Member
2576 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Not a lot to say, but sending you hugs.

 

 

Post # 9
Member
807 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@lilianbell:  I don’t have any great words of wisdom, but wanted to let you know you are absolutely not alone– I’m going through this right now too. It is our 4.5 year anniversary in a couple weeks and I’m also struggling with feeling like I have no input. We have a house and both have jobs, but my SO doesn’t want to get married until he can afford to give me the wedding he thinks I deserve, even though I would happily marry him in a cardboard box at this point. Like your SO, he has a need to feel like he can care for me. It’s one of the things I love about him but it’s driving me crazy right now.

The only thing that’s helping me right now is a) distracting myself (running a lot, going out with my girl friends); b) focusing on the good things about our relationship and my SO–literally, sometimes I make lists of things. It reminds me why I’m with him and why I think waiting is worth it–and c) refusing to let myself worry about “what will I do in 6 months?”. Anything can happen in 6 months. Cross that bridge when you come to it. 

Sorry for such a long response! Hugs to you, and know that if you ever need anything, we’re all here to listen.

Post # 11
Member
853 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

In the meantime, while you’re waiting for him to make good on his promise to propose before your 5-year anniversary, I can’t help but think he should show how serious he is about making that happen by canceling his overseas trip.

I remember my fiance, a couple months before we got engaged (and shortly after HE gave himself a timeline for proposing), talked pretty seriously about going to Germany for Beerfest with some friends. I was like, “How are we going to make an expensive trip for you, our wedding, and an engagement ring work within a year on our salaries?” He was like, “Oh, you’re right.” Maybe he’s not getting the big picture – if his reason for not proposing is because of money, he can’t blow it on solo fun trips – those can wait until you’re planning the honeymoon!

Post # 13
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

i’m sorry to hear you’re struggling with this ๐Ÿ™

i ado agree with the PPs, i think he is trying to do what he feels is right in his position. i know that not everybody thinks the same way, but my SO is also very traditional and he really sat down and crunched his numbers when we started talking about engagement (he’s freelance in the arts, so essentially self-employed but makes decent money). i was also brought up to believe that financial security was important when taking these steps, so we were on the same page.

however, we also feel that the commitment of being engaged is equally the major factor of being at that stage, much like you. and like someone above already said, maybe you could try and talk to him about how that is more important to you. also, if he does get this and would be willing to compromise and get engaged before he felt entirely able to support you, it would give him even more drive and determination to move forward in that area? just a thought.

you can always vent to us ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 14
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

*hug* sometimes actions speak louder than words

Post # 15
Member
3692 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Are you two living together now, and you’re supporting the both of you?  If so, I don’t get his logic.  It’s ok for him to not be supporting both of you if you’re not married yet, but not ok if you are married????

Also, he can’t control when he does get a job, so he’s just leaving you there hanging indefinitely or until you give up?

We’ve had times where Darling Husband has completely supported me, others where I paid my own personal bills and he paid all the household stuff, some where he didn’t have a steady job and we burned through my salary and savings trying to pay for everything (he had made 3x as much as I did).  Right now he’s working more than full time so I can go to school.  The goal is to get me in a career so I can earn equal to what he does, or maybe even enough to have him be a stay at home dad at some point.  

Post # 16
Member
3246 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@Fall_In_Love22:  I totally agree with what she said.

I think it’s OK to get engaged when you’re not as financially secure as you’d like, as long as the ring cost is not a huge drain.

But I understand what you said about your SO being quite traditional about money and feeling bad about not having a full-time job. So I have a couple questions– things you might want to think about, if they are relevant or helpful. . . (tough questions, please be aware I’m just being direct, not trying to be nasty to you!!)

Would you rather be with this man whom you love, and who loves you, and not be engaged for a while longer, or would you rather leave him? I’ve sort of come to the conclusion that being with my man is what counts, no matter how badly I want to be engaged. Do you truly want November to be the end of your relationship if he isn’t able to propose? 

I figure that the point of being engaged is promising to get married/be together forever. If you have already articulated this type of commitment (which I think most of us do when discussing getting engaged and married), and trust each other to keep it, I feel that it’s not immediately necessary to be engaged, even if you want to soooo much it hurts and makes you want to scream!

Also, have you ever heard of handfasting? There’s a section in the wedding-related posts on handfasting (take a look!) as part of the marriage ceremony, but handfasting has been used for thousands of years as a “trial marriage” thing– traditionally, it binds a couple together as if they were married for a year and a day, and after that they get to decide if they really want to be together or not. It’s a beautiful little ceremony that doesn’t have to involve anyone else, and can be used as a commitment previous to getting engaged (without the expense of a ring!). My SO and I have been talking about being handfast soon, because I want to do SOMETHING about having a more official commitment but he isn’t ready to be engaged (I think he, like your SO, feels he needs steadier employment, as he’s currently a freelance writer with some good, steady employment, BUT it’s not full-time and he’s used to a full-time income from past years).

Good luck, and I hope you feel better and work things out!

 

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