Post # 1
im going through some marital trouble and I’m just feeling awful about myself and overthinking things and obsessing. Im a bit heartbroken and hope things will turn around. Only been married a year and I can’t believe this I need to build confidence to get through.
I think I need to build my self esteem. I’m also unemployed but soon to start a new job probably in a month so the boredom and loneliness can’t be helping.
What has helped you guys in building confidence? During rough marital times or otherwise? Thank you so much.
Post # 2
Honestly, therapy was a HUGE help for me. I really dug deep and figured out a lot about the “whys” pertaining to my marriage issues and why I got into that situation in the first place.
Or find a hobby that makes you happy.
Post # 3
sharpshooter : good suggestions and thank you!
Post # 4
It does wonders for mood and sleep regulation which helps a lot of other things fall in line as well.
Post # 5
Perhaps you can use this month until your new job starts by volunteering. It will both give you something to focus on so that you don’t have so much time on your hands, and the act of volunteering and giving back to people, animals, or a cause may help give you perspective (maybe your own problems are not the end of the world when seen through the lens of helping others less fortunate) and increase your feelings of self-worth.
Post # 6
And I think the biggest change that occurred because of therapy was learning to love and be my true self and to not be scared of being alone.
Post # 7
I got a journal and wrote goals for myself. Things that would make me happy and the vision for my (and my sons) life. I wrote daily goals, weekly, monthly and yearly. Sometimes the goal was as simple as making it to work without crying, but I was able to see the path forward and it helped me to release the feeling of being stuck.
If the marriage had worked I would come out of the other side with a better knowledge of myself, my worth and my abilities. If the marriage didn’t work I would come out of the other side knowing I would be ok.
Ultimately, the marriage didn’t work, but I didn’t feel like I had lost time waiting for someone else to determine my (and my son’s) future.
I continue to do this at the end of every year. I cross off the things I accomplished, and add more to the end of the list.
Post # 8
jg19 : oh wow that’s amazing!! Love the goals idea and I love how I can relate to the not crying on the way to work goal!
Post # 9
sable : such a great idea! I volunteered to tutor girls yesterday. Good points on seeing through a different lens! It might even help my marriage bc I might get less upset when I think about our problems bc they might appear smaller.
Post # 10
When I was unemployed after finishing my MS, I got depressed too. Getting outside and exercising in the fresh air and sunshine helped, as did volunteering at an animal shelter.
Post # 11
I always liked my body with clothes on but not naked. I made it a point to stand naked in the mirror and look at a ‘troubled’ area and tell myself out loud that I loved that part of me. Felt ridiculous but after a while I became very happy with my body and didn’t try to hide it from my SO.
When I lose confidence I do things like make new friends (meetups are great but took a few before I found a good friend), take belly dancing lessons, grow plants, paint a room, get a pedicure, purge a junk drawer or room, give myself a facial, fix something in the House I’ve been putting off, learn a new ‘life hack’, or eat healthier/more veggies.
I don’t exercise or try to lose weight to gain self confidence. I think they’re easy things to fail at and take longer to see results. The last thing I want to do is not succeed if I’m already feeling down.
My friends think I’m like Amy Schumer in I Feel Pretty because I walk through life like the character does. I didn’t always, and sometimes I still crash, but little successes boost me every time.
Post # 12
My marriage turned around the moment I stopped looking to my husband to be my emotional-everything. I stopped expecting him to fill my void and responsible for making me feel better/make me feel loved and cared for. This was a huge one for me because I come from a long line of women who were doormats and culturally trained to cater to men while only receiving scraps from them in return.
Learning to love yourself is so much more than just finding a hobby, getting a massage, going to yoga, etc. Learning to love yourself means learning how to give yourself the emotional and physical needs that you need to feel loved and secure. Once I learned how to do this (and it’s a lifelong process), I experienced that the emotional distance you inevitably feel from your partner during marital strife/arguments was not as devastating to me as it was in the past. Yes I still feel sad when my husband is angry and needs time to be on his own, but instead of it completely ruining my day, I can accept this and instead turn my focus on doing things that make me happy and feel genuine joy (this used to feel impossible for me). Perhaps the biggest thing here is, I don’t feel like a victim to circumstance or feel like I have no control when things inevitably gets hard and my husband and I are not getting along. The better I get at taking care of myself and meeting my own emotional needs, I don’t feel so scared or at the “mercy of” other people because I know I will be fine no matter what and that I trust myself.
Post # 13
Shina : Yes this is exactly what I was going to say just worded better.
Taking care of yourself means a lot of things, so make sure all of your needs are met.
I also second yoga. It does wonders for self esteem, confidence and it’s so good for you!
Post # 14
Exercise! For starters it releases endophins to improve mood, but it will also make you feel healthier and better about yourself even if your weight or appearance doesn’t change by much
Some forms of exercise that have helped me in the past: 1. Jogging – everyday I was able to go a little longer so the progress made me feel good 2. Weight lifting- Made me feel like I was getting stronger physically and mentally 3. Pole Dancing – the women in the class were constantly building eachother up and you’d feel so good about yourself when you mastered a spin, climb, inversion or even noticed a change in flexiblity or strength.