(Closed) DH alone with a woman

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Is it appropriate for a married man and unmarried woman (or vice versa)to spend time together alone?
    Yes : (57 votes)
    17 %
    No : (105 votes)
    31 %
    Depends on the situation : (174 votes)
    51 %
    Other : (2 votes)
    1 %
  • Post # 46
    Member
    7977 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

    When I was a teenager, I read one of these problem pages in a magazine aimed at teenage boys. One of the comments was something like this: “My friend and I like to measure each other’s penises. We did it last night, and his was 3cm longer than mine. Am I abnormal?”

    The answer is, of course, “yes, but not for the reasons you think you are!”

    Similarly, OP rightly suspects that her marriage is in trouble, but not for the reasons she thinks.

    There is nothing wrong with men and women spending time together. We are not beasts who lack self-control to the extent that we rut in fields as soon as nobody is looking. I would never marry anyone who trusted me so little that  they forbade me to spend time with my friends of either gender, whether in groups or alone. This seems like a red flag for controlling, potentially abusive behaviour to me. Spending time with friends is normal.

    However, signing up to internet sites so you can have online sex, especially with your partner right there with you, is NOT NORMAL. FFS woman, forget about this friend he’s hanging out with and get a grip of what he’s doing on the internet right in front of your nose!

    Post # 47
    Member
    239 posts
    Helper bee

    anonymoose412:  drop him. I am going to be extremely honest because everyone deserves better than that. He is a big loser. Try to talk to him but go with your gut. If something feels off, it probably is. And please  remember that his dumb choices do not reflect on you. None of what he does is your fault even though he will probably try to make you feel that way. Don’t believe it. He’s grown, he should probably start acting like it. You can love someone all day long, and if they don’t love you then it doesn’t matter. 

    “I would rather be alone than feel alone next to someone. “

    best of luck and hugs

    Post # 48
    Member
    168 posts
    Blushing bee

    OP husband is driving his female friend ALONE, at MIDNIGHT, an hour away drive (doing a favor)……Alot of Bees here okay with that….. Called me conservative, But NO WAY I am okay with that………. Ain’t no husband of mine going to be driving a unmarried/single woman in the MIDDLE of the night. He should be sleeping right by my side instead. No way, NO! just NO!

    I don’t know any wife out there be okay with knowing their husband in the MIDDLE of the night driving a unmarried woman in his car…… Repeated, in the MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, ALONE driving her for 1 hour to take her where ever she needed to go…….No way! I can’t speak for others, but I myself will NOT tollerate this from my husband. If she need to somewhere, call a Taxi, rent a car, my husband won’t be driving her in the MIDDLE of the night.

    btw, I just text asked my husband if it okay for a married man to be driving an unmarried woman in the MIDDLE of the night, for one hour drive, doing a favor, blah blah…… My husband answered the same as mine, he thinks it NOT, NOT okay……. Perhaps me and my husband is not classy, I’m ‘the girl in the hood’, hubby is ‘the guy in the hood’, so we both have our weirdo style when it come to boundaries in our marriage…… BUT hubby sure know it not okay for him as a ‘married man’ be driving a unmarried woman ALONE in his car in the MIDDLE of the night.

    Post # 49
    Member
    7977 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

    independentgirl:  “I don’t know any wife out there be okay with knowing their husband in the MIDDLE of the night driving a unmarried woman in his car”

    You just met one. Me. If my husband had a friend who needed his help, I would be completely OK with this. I give friends lifts all the time, and he gets lifts all the time because he doesn’t drive.

    It’s not as if they’re going to stop in a motorway layby and get down and dirty. Flippin’ heck, I’m not so good looking that men can’t resist my charms. Much as I love my husband, he’s no George Cloony either… I can’t imagine some woman jumping on him. I mean… nobody would do that. It’s just…. weird. Normal people give each other lifts, but they don’t suddenly start having sex afterwards!

    OP’s real problem is the internet stuff. Now that IS weird.

    Post # 50
    Member
    168 posts
    Blushing bee

    To ‘Rachel631‘,

    Did you read the rest of my reply? This is in the MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT okay…. Ain’t no husband of mine be driving an unmarried woman, doing her a favor in the MIDDLE of the night, take her to go where ever she needed to go. And this is an HOUR drive too, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

    I am not here to debate with you about this. If you think it okay for your husband to do that, it’s fine. Afterall, It is ‘YOUR’ marriage. You are in total control of ‘YOUR’ marriage…. But I am speaking for ‘MY’ marriage, and I will NOT tollerate that from my husband…. Anyways, I don’t have this problem in my marriage; as my husband also Agree with me that it is NOT okay for a ‘married man’ to be driving a woman ALONE, giving her a ride in the MIDDLE of the NIGHT.

    Anyways, I make my point clear enough in my reply. There nothing to be debate about, agree or disagree is up to each individiual view.

    Post # 51
    Member
    592 posts
    Busy bee

    I will echo the other bees and say that you’re mad at the wrong reason. 

    i think it is entirely unrealistic to think that a man and a woman cannot be platonic friends. However, what your husband is doing by specically picking times when you are not home to hang out with these woman is decietful and shady as hell. 

    If I knew my fiancé was looking at hook up apps for women to masturbate to, heads would fucking roll. Masturbating to porn is one thing but actively looking for real women to have sexy conversations with is another. And on Valentine’s Day?! I would without a doubt in my mind leave him for this. What if just texting them isn’t as exciting anymore? Is he going to seek them it for sex? 

    Post # 52
    Member
    3199 posts
    Sugar bee

    I answered “it depends”. If there is a clear intention to hang out alone with someone that the SO has a questionably romantic history with, then I would be uncomfortable. If they were hanging out “alone” but in public, I’d be more okay. If they never had any history, I would be okay with that, as long as it didn’t feel like they were developing an inappropriate relationship, or hanging out at the expense of our relationship. 

    That being said, he is clearly violating a lot of lines in your relationship. He is finding people online to be “involved” with, rather than working on his relationship with you. He may have scheduled time to hang out with her when you weren’t around (I do this so I don’t take time away from my SO), but then you go somewhere like a coffee shop, or to the park, or wherever. I don’t like the idea of them drinking alone in the house when they have that history (and he is showing you he isn’t 100% interested in you these days with his online behavior). Add to that that he didn’t even bother to address your feelings towards his actions, and I’d be really worried.

    Post # 53
    Member
    525 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    You are going to get a wide range of responses, with indignant outrage on both sides. People vary enormously in their boundaries and comfort level with this sort of stuff. While it can be helpful to hear how other people handle THEIR relationships, I really think what matters here is that YOU feel something is not quite right. I would urge you to trust your instincts. You know yourself, him, and the relationship best! Even if he hasn’t done anything that you feel is technically improper, there is a lack of respect that you sense, and a pattern of him minimizing your feelings around a sensitive issue. That’s hurtful and harmful behavior from a spouse. If he’s not aware of how he’s making you feel during these interactions, to be fair, he deserves a calm explanation (i.e., give a guy the benefit of the doubt the first time … after that, not so much). I personally fall into the camp that driving this woman alone at midnight is not appropriate, or having her over when you aren’t home on purpose – primarily because these are things that he knows make you uncomfortable. In this case, based on the history and your knowledge of this girl … no way does it seem like a great idea, even if it WAS innocent. At the very least, he should be open to discussing it and trying to understand your feelings (even if he disagrees), without belittling you. In my experience, women can almost always see this sort of thing coming and instincts about other women’s feelings toward their SO are very frequently right (as many people who have dealt with infidelity, adultery etc will attest after the fact). I definitely do not think his activities w/r/t KIK are helpful or appropriate – especially during a time of conflict or vulnerability. That is the time to be self-protective of each other and the relationship, and try to aim for turning inwards toward each other instead of to outside influences. The grass will always be greener … with a random stranger who flatters your husband, turns him on and whose problems and quirks and skeletons in the closet seem nonexistent. Danger zone!

    Post # 54
    Member
    99 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: September 2016

    You said in the original post that you trust him. But, like, why? The virtual hookups are NOT okay. Run, don’t walk. 

    Post # 55
    Member
    93 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I’m ok with my husband having female friends and him spending time with them as long as they didn’t have anything more than a platonic friendship.  If for some reason during their friendship, they passed the line, then hell no he is not hanging out with her and i don’t even consider that a true ‘friendship’.  Once you cross that line, friendship is done.  She is now a woman to you, not a friend.

    With that said, first it sounds like this girl is flirtatious and had a crush on him since they used to joke around about sex.. i’m sorry but i never joked around about sex like that with my guy friends.  that’s just weird and fishy.  Second, the fact that they both chose a time to hang out when you’re not around is NOT COOL!!  Does he ever invite you to hang with also?  Bc if he doesn’t, that’s shady.  My husband invites me to everything and if i don’t feel like it, he can still go and hang out with his friends.  But the fact that he invites me shows there’s nothing to hide.  But if he doesn’t even invite you at all bc he wants to be alone with this girl, well i don’t know about that.  Did he ask if you can go with him to drop her off?  

    Lastly, besides the fact that his behavior is fishy in regards to this girl, i think you have something bigger to worry about.  When you mentioned that he signs up for hookup sites to talk to girls so he can have someone to masturbate to – WHAT THE HELL???!!!  he crossed the line there… crossed it WAY too far.  That is completely disrespectful to you.. i don’t even know what to say to that… in my vocab, i would consider that cheating and i would get the f out before i completely lose myself

    Post # 56
    Member
    398 posts
    Helper bee

    The online thing is cheating in my book, like what the actual f? 

     

    Post # 57
    Member
    521 posts
    Busy bee

    I dont neccessarily finding the hanging out with a woman thing disrespectful but more so he did it intentionally when you are not home. I have a best friend who is male, who I consider a brother, and I have definitly hung out with him alone but there has never been anything there and he was around years before my fiance. But the difference is, Im happy to have my fiance over to hang out and when we go visit him, the majoirty of time my fiance comes along but doesnt mind also, if I go alone.

    That being said, I would be more worried about the hookup on the internet thing, that to me would be concerning. 

    It confuses me though, you said you trust him and that he would never cheat on you, but he regularly spends time on the computer talking to girls to “hookup” with and get matched with rather than spend time with you ? To me, this doesnt sound like a guy that would never cheat, rather the opposite.

    Post # 58
    Member
    3307 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    My husband went out with a female friend last week. He slept with her many years ago but they stayed good friends. They attended a wine and cooking thing. I don’t like wine, I’m not into gourmet food, and I had to work the next day at 7am so I didn’t go. But the past is past and I’ve always trusted him.

    Post # 59
    Member
    665 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 1969

    Honestly I think it’s kind of sad when people say that they don’t think any man or woman should ever be alone together (unless they’re related or both married because apparently being married makes you “safe” but if you’re single, you’re automatically a “threat”) because it implies that once people of the opposite sex are alone together, they will automatically consider sleeping together. It’s like saying that humans have so little control over their sexual desires that just being alone with someone of the opposite sex is enough to get them to hook up. That seems so unrealistic to me. I’m not attracted to like 98% of the men I see or encounter on a daily basis and being alone together isn’t going to suddenly make me reconsider that lack of interest. I would imagine that’s true for most people.

    But anyway, your feelings are your feelings so if this makes you uncomfortable, your husband should definitely listen to you and try to assuage the situation. In addition, their relationship doesn’t really seem strictly platonic, especially given that they seem to be going out of their way to be alone together. I can see why you would be a bit anxious about this particular situation, especially given that your husband has already proven he has a wandering eye by masturbating with women from hook up sites. This is not like just watching porn. Those are real people that he is personally interacting with and imo, that’s a situation which could eventually, easily turn into something more serious than just a virtual hook up because he could be chatting with the same women over and over again (which it kind of sounds like he’s already doing).

    So yeah, I voted depends on the situation because your situation sounds a bit sketchy and your husband especially sounds dismissive, untrustworthy, disrespectful and like he’s already bored and pulling away from the relationship instead of trying to fix things by working on reconnecting with you.

    Post # 60
    Member
    645 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    Hanging out with the girl I dont see a problem with really and they probably picked a time you weren’t home so you wouldn’t feel out of place with them talking like old friends. Imagine if you had been there you’d be saying all they did was talk about old times and i felt really out of place because i couldn’t join in the conversation. 

    The singles site thing though is way way way over the line. Like so far over he cant see the line! 

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