(Closed) DH and his "career" (Vent)

posted 6 years ago in Career
Post # 3
Member
13010 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m so sorry to hear this.  Have you tried telling him directly how much his job situation is affectign your life, and making you question when/if you want to have kids, and negatively impacting your own education and job prospects?  Maybe he just needs to hear all of the consequences of his actions.

If you don’t mind my asking, why did he get fired?  Lay-offs?  Why can’t he hold down a job?  I know sometimes it’s because the field people are in have such constant turnovers, but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case here.

Post # 4
Member
2790 posts
Sugar bee

Not to be harsh but why was it someone else’s job to tell you about your husbands character flaws? Don’t you typically learn those BEFORE getting engaged. How long were the two of you together before you got married?

Post # 5
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m not sure this will help.. but my dad has been a machinist his whole life. He makes pretty good money and even though he’s in his fifties.. has a constant stream of job offers, even though he’s staying at his current company. My dad constantly researches new training opportunities and travels to seminars & workshops. As soon as they get a new machine, he is the first to volunteer to learn to use it. He can run AND program any machine they can put in front of him. My dad has told me that is the key to being sucsessful in that enivironment. A lot of the guys he works with can run only a few machines. So if there are no orders that need those machines.. they don’t have work. So if he’s sure he wants to stay in machining, encourage him to get as much training as he possibly can. The company will usually pay for it, especially if you are showing them how enthusiastic you are about learning new skills. But the key is he needs to find these training workshops on his own. I just want you to know, it’s totally possible to have a very sucessful career in machining! My dad moved up to management for a few years.. and then went right back to running the machines, because he made the same amount of money & had less stress. My dad made enough money for my mom to stay home with the kids, and we live in a very expensive area. It sounds like his biggest problem is motivation! He needs to make himself valuable to the company. And just out of curiosity, which area of machining does he work in? 

Post # 7
Member
10288 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

@rubyred605:  “It’s not anyone’s “job”, but when I asked people to tell me about DH’s character, I expected honesty.”

I don’t understand this at all. I didn’t interview my husbands family and friends before we got married, I knew everything I needed to know about him because we spent a good chunk of time (5+ years) dating and getting to really know each other. Even those who weren’t together as long as we were still know their partners inside and out because that’s what you do before you commit to marrying someone. I get that people can change but you really can’t blame your lack of knowledge about your husband on anyone but yourself.

As for the issue at hand, I don’t blame you for being frusterated as I think most people would be. Your husband seems incredibly immature and I base that opinion off of not only this post but your other posts that you’ve made about him. He seems like a teenager in a mans body. Sure, responsibility blows but once you become an adult, you have to take care of yourself and your family. Your husband can’t even manage to take care of himself. I don’t know how much longer I would be able to put up with that shit. 

Post # 8
Member
13010 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@UpstateCait:  Sure, responsibility blows but once you become an adult, you have to take care of yourself and your family. Your husband can’t even manage to take care of himself   +1

 

I certainly don’t love getting up at 4 am every day, but I bust my ass to make sure I am at my desk at 6am (my start time).  If I’m late, I call my boss.  If the trains breakdown and I’m stuck, I call my boss.  I get bored at work sometimes too, but I don’t do crappy or sloppy work because of it, because I need money to live.  Your husband sounds like he needs a huge wakeup call. 

Post # 9
Member
679 posts
Busy bee

I’ve dealt with an unemployed SO, and I know how stressful it can be, even if the other person is doing everything in their power to find another, better job or advance their education. I don’t envy you right now, you’ve obviously got a lot on your plate. 

However, I think the fact that this is a pattern for your Darling Husband, a pattern he doesn’t seem willing to break, is a HUGE issue that will only lead to a bigger rift if you don’t address it right now. You need to sit him down and flat-out tell him everything you just posted here. Tell him that you want to be supportive, but you can’t support his total lack of ambition or his disregard for your needs and wants. Tell him how the stress of being financially responsible for him when he’s not making any effort to contribute is making you resent him and tell him you’re worried about how it will affect your relationship long-term. You’ve got to make him understand that this type of behavior is a potential deal breaker. Maybe if he were to realize that it would scare him into getting his act together. Because, frankly, what he is doing right now is not fair to you.

I’m with the PPs who are a bit confused about the whole dishonesty about character flaws thing, though. Did you each go to the other’s family and ask to be told about any flaws you both have? Was this a non-traditional marriage of some sort (arranged…?) I have just never heard of this. I really do not think you can blame anything on his family…as someone dating/engaged/married to another person, it’s your responsibility to get to know that person and decide whether you want to be with them or not. 

Post # 11
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@UpstateCait:  well said

I also got the big eyes when I read the part about him being too stupid or his character flaws. It sounds like you don’t like him very much right now and I get why…sorry it’s like this for you right now!

Post # 12
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@rubyred605:  Well it sounds like you’re really trying to help point him in the right direction.. he should listen to you! And it sounds really unfair to me that you’re putting everything for yourself on hold. I don’t have any other advice.. but I hope he’s able to find the motivation to fix his situation. It sounds really irresponsible that he just started being late & sloppy because he was “bored”. I don’t blame you for being upset 🙁

Post # 13
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

I hate to be the one who goes this route, but I am on WB a ton and many of your posts are very sad/frusterating regarding your husband! He has said some very hurtful things, and done some dangerous things as well. I really think these are the signs pointing towards perhaps a seperation, not a hold out and hope he magically changes. He really has to want to be better and do better, so your entire future is dependent on him and his motivations if you stay with him.

I am thinking of you and sending strength and hope your way!

Post # 14
Member
5296 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

@Eva Peron:  I have to agree. The husband seems very irresponsible – not able to keep a job, getting speeding tickets and not caring about his wife’s welfare…not a good situation.

And I too, am quite confused at the ‘character flaws’ comment….I agree with UpstateCait – there were no interviews with family, you spend time with your partner to determine if they are a good match for you! 

It sounds like maybe this marriage happened for the wrong or rushed reasons. I think that either serious counseling needs to happen…..or they go their separate ways.

Post # 15
Member
5668 posts
Bee Keeper

I’ve been reading, not necessarily commenting, all of your threads regarding your marital issues. I realize this might not be my place to ask, why are you still with him? You seem like such a strong, vivacious person and based on your posts he seems to be dragging you down and not treating you with the respect and love you deserve.

Post # 16
Member
2790 posts
Sugar bee

I still can’t understand why you didn’t attempt to Get to know your husband yourself or why you would assume his family would throw him under the bus and tell you all he things they hate about him. Also, I’m not really sure why you two decided to get engage after dating for 3 months but it sounds like it wasn’t enough time.

Beyond that, I agree with other posters who have said you sound far from happy in your marriage and I think it may be best if you give your Darling Husband an ultimatum of sorts. If he can’t get his shit together and start helping you support your household then he needs to reevaluate where his priorities lie the most.

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