(Closed) DH and I at an impasse..how will you handle your children having sex?

posted 5 years ago in Parenting
Post # 3
1293 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

@RipleyC:  Young adults are just that – adults. You can’t stop them from having sex, same as your parents couldn’t have stopped you if you wanted to. The more restrictive you are, the more they will rebel (in 9 cases out of 10).

You need to have open and honest communication with your kids, but they also need to be free to make their own choices and make their own mistakes. They are their own people, and just because something worked for you growing up doesn’t mean it will work for them.

I hope my kids trust me enough to come to me and talk to me about these serious decisions rather than being scared to approach me because I will get mad or judge them. Would I be thrilled if my 16 year old daughter was having sex? No. Can I stop her? No. So I might as well do what I can to make her safe and know she can trust me no matter what.

Post # 4
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

There may still be room for compromise.

If you both agree a Girlfriend is serious, then that Girlfriend can stay over, but has to sleep in a different room. They can have their time together, but not necessarily sex time under your roof.

You can teach about safe sex and even provide condoms to him, but you dont necessarily have to allow it under your roof while your home. If they want to do it while your still at work, that is their perogative, but you dont have to “allow” it when your there.

Post # 5
5958 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@RipleyC:  No one gets to have sex in my house but me….I get that his parents were really relaxed about the whole thing..that’s neat, I would rather extinguish a cigar with my ass than hear my kid getting their boots smoked in the next room…I pay the mortgage, I can turn that place into a obstacle course of intercourse at my slightest inkling…everyone else had better figure out how to get it done somewhere else I DON’T CARE how, when, or with whom….just don’t do it in here or I will come in with a fire extinguisher and camara…don’t test me

Post # 6
1293 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

@ThreeMeers:  Only problem with that is people don’t just have sex at night. They could do it during the day, and then sleep in another room at night.

You can’t stop a determined teenager, but you can educate them.

Post # 7
1876 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I don’t think it has to be all one way or all the other way. There is a LOT of room inbetween NO SEX and letting girls sleepover. I think you should agree to teach your son to respect himself, respect women, value sex and respect it, understand safe practices, and then allow him to make his own decisions. I would probably say “no girls sleeping over” because honestly – they are kids and co-ed sleepovers are for adults. Beyond that, I would but out and trust that you’ve given him the tools to make good decisions.

Post # 8
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@BoxerLady:  that is exactly my point. You can disallow it while your home/have rules that make it very hard and let them make their decision what they do when your not home.

Post # 9
757 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

My parents had a rule that they didn’t want to see our boyfriends/girlfriends at breakfast, so they could stay late but had to leave before my dad woke up at 5:30. Needless to say I was still super freaked out and never had sex when they were home.   We definitely had sex in the house a lot right after school when my parents were are work, so obviously the overnight thing was not really an issue.

I think your husband is right here, you should work on educating your son to make good decisions and not worry so much about the logistics of sleepovers. 

Post # 10
1293 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

@ThreeMeers:  Ah, I see. Out of sight, out of mind.

I have always been very open with my mother about everything, so I can’t imagine living life any other way (nor would I want to).

Post # 11
82 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I work with parents and kids (kids of all ages)  I will say that no matter how much you try and control, change, preach whatever you want to call it, they will do what they want, when they want with who they want.  The thing is being able to educate children to make wise choices.  Talking about birth control, STI/STD’s, pregnancy with the teens is very important.  By the age they will be thinking about sex you would have had many years to instill your morals in your children.  They will be able to make the choices that are right for them.  But again education is the most important part.  My parents educated me early on, because my parents were teenage parents.  While they would not want to change anything about having me, they did not want me to struggle as they had.  I respect and understood where they were coming from with this idea

Post # 13
2335 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I will awkwardly bring up birth control to my children, just like my mother did, and then enfore the no-doors-closed policy.  Children getting it on in the house is weird.  I’m a grown woman and my parents didn’t allow Darling Husband to sleep in the same floor of the house as me during visits home until we actually got married.

Post # 14
892 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I don’t have kids yet. But when Fiance and I do… I’m going to be really proactive, if we have a girl I want her to be able to ask me about sex and birthcontrol. If we have a boy I want him to be able to say “Dad, I need some condoms” lol.. I’m realistic in knowing that young adults (ha! I hate saying that because I’m only 23!) will have sex weather parents “permit” them to or not.

So why not save yourself the stress and worry over a teenage pregnancy and get your kid (when the time comes) some condoms/birthcontrol. Your children are going to do what they want regardless of what you tell them.. All you can do is protect them.

My parents had the rule for my brother and I of “They can sleep over but in seperate beds” I thought it was so dumb and old fashioned for my otherwise generally cool parents. I solved that Issue by buying a futon for my room.. And even though it was there we still slept in the same bed, I guess they just convinced themselves I’d follow that rule haha

ETA: Other then the birthcontol/condom thing, one rule I’m going to have is: If I can hear you “doing it” we have a problem. Haha

Post # 15
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Lol @Nona99: (great post)

Her and I are on the same page.

My thinking is somewhere in the middle between the strictness of your upbringing and the more liberal one for your Hubby’s.

My Parents preached the NO SEX UNTIL YOU ARE MARRIED thing… it obviously didn’t work.

(And they were aware of that… they knew I lost my virginity somewhere in my College Years… over 18)

I did however (for the most part) respect their rule on NO SEX in the house.

Certainly they made it difficult… in that there had been forever a rule… NO BOYS in the Bedroom

When I was in Uni, and Engaged the first time… my then Fiance would come to visit, and he’d sleep in the Guest Room.  We respected that.

But at the same time, lol… if my parents went out for an errand (sometimes I think My Dad did this on purpose when we were Engaged)… my Ex and I would have a bit of morning nooky and be up, showered and dressed by the time they got back

(And yes, thinking back now, I would have probably died of embarrassment if my Parents had come back home and caught us)

To be honest, if kids are gonna have sex, they are gonna figure out where to have it… be it at home or elsewhere

So not sure WHY anyone has to make it EASY for them ???

My Ex-Hubby’s parents weren’t so strict.  We definitely more openly broke the rules at their house, especially when we were Engaged (they let us stay over in the family RV parked in the yard when there was a family reunion)… their greatest concern was we don’t flaunt it to the younger kids what was going on.

My own kids, I had similar rules to what my Parents had… no members of the opposite sex in the Upstairs Bedrooms.  And no sleeping together in my house if you aren’t married.  As College Students they certainly balked at that rule… but I told them outright… you can visit and stay here for free (room, food, use of the Washer & Dryer, Car etc… with your SO) OR you can go find a Hotel your choice.  They complied.

Funny thing is looking back…

Altho at the time I thought it cool that my Fiance’s Parents let us sleep together… I now think it weird.  And that my parents did it right… strict on the outside, knowing on the inside.

Lol, and when I was finally married (the first time as well as this time), I had very little interest in having sex at my Parent’s House any how… the thought of them hearing us, creeps me out !!

Infact, even tho we aren’t going to necessarily have sex, Mr TTR and I have made it a rule whenever we go visit, that we just get a hotel room.  Best policy all-around in my opinion.

— — —

As for the policy that your Hubby’s Parents had…

I could never live with that. 

I don’t believe for a second that teenagers should be openly allowed to sleep with one another in the family home.  Just is too much of a slippery slope.  This is telling your kids you think it is 100% ok.  And I mean, sure your Hubby turned out ok… but what if he was the kind of guy (or girl) who was promiscuous… how are you ever gonna dictate that sleeping under your roof was ok with Person A, maybe B… But not C, D, E, or F ???

Teenagers are not adults.  And as such they don’t think like a full grown adult… so they need guidance (and supervision) so they don’t find themselves in situations they cannot handle… including emotional ones.

Once the door is open, it can be really hard to close again.

And teenagers are such that they play upon that stuff.. they are hard enough to “rope in” at the best of time and make them see what is and isn’t appropriate behaviour or what has consequences.  I wouldn’t want to risk / entertain the possible outcomes of such an action.

Just my 2 cents.

Hope this helps,


Post # 16
2786 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Honestly, this depends on so many factors…for example, my parents would have never in a million years let a boy sleep over when I was in HS. But once I moved out  they let Darling Husband and I stay in the same room whenever we visited.

Ironically, DH’s family was far more lax about this sort of thing (he had a highschool Girlfriend who stayed over, although they weren’t allowed to sleep in the same room, and I stayed at his mom’s place several times when he was still living with her), but he feels really weird about having sex at his or my parent’s place (even now that we’re married), and I don’t at all.

I don’t think you can make a hard and fast rule now…so many things in your lives will be different by the time your son is old enough to have sex, that you are going to have to see how you feel at the time.

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