Post # 1
Darling Husband and I are not on the same page with our son’s nighttime sleep. He is 10 months old and a horrible sleeper! I’ve tried rocking/nursing him to sleep, but it keeps taking longer and longer to get him to sleep. Now it’s taking me up to an hour, and then he’ll just wake up 2 to 3 hours after falling asleep. He typically wakes up 3 or 4 times per night now. I keep telling myself this is all a phase and soon he’ll be sleeping through the night, but he’s 10 months old, and we are constantly facing new challenges! I’m exhausted from getting up with him so many times and spending an hour to get him to fall asleep at night.
I really don’t like the idea of CIO, but I feel like I’m reaching the end of my rope. He screams/cries every time I try to put him in his crib at night, and I end up rocking him until my arms feel like they are going to fall off. When he wakes up a couple hours later, he’s screaming and crying because I’m not there. I know he has separation anxiety, and I feel like the only solution is for him to fall asleep on his own in the crib without help from me. I don’t know how to make this happen without a little crying on his part.
The problem I’m facing is that Darling Husband is very against CIO. He thinks it’s cruel and the easy way out. I explained to him how tired I am and that I don’t have the physical or emotional strength to continue this every single night, but he keeps saying this is just a phase and our son will be sleeping through the night soon. He says I should be patient and this is my job as a stay at home mom. He doesn’t help out during the night, because he has to go to work during the day. I understand he needs his sleep, but I need sleep too. He wants me to keep giving and giving until I have nothing left, and I don’t think that’s fair. I don’t want to be a martyr for my family, but Darling Husband seems to think that’s a mom’s role.
We have been arguing about this a lot lately. I think my son is getting worse, and I don’t see how he will just suddenly outgrow multiple night waking and taking an hour to fall asleep. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, and Darling Husband telling me to be patient isn’t really helping. Plus, our baby is cranky and fussy during the day because he isn’t getting the rest he needs. What should I do? I’ve tried explaining things to Darling Husband, but he makes me feel like a bad mom for not being able to continue this nightly routine.
Post # 2
That sounds really hard. I’m sorry. I’m not a mom, so please take my advice with huge grains of salt. 🙂 I’ve always like the idea of phasing things like this out. I might try holding and rocking him till he’s groggy, then lay him down and put your hand on his back till he’s asleep. It’s okay if he cries. You’re still there with him. Do that for a week or so. Next week skip the rocking, just lay him down and put your hand on his back. The next week put your hand on his back for a few minutes, then stand by the crib till he falls asleep. Etc. Maybe something like that would work?
You do need and deserve to sleep. I know it’s hard when your SO disagres, but if you’re the Stay-At-Home Mom then I think your needs outweight his opinon on this one. He’s made you the one in charge so act like an executive and make this decision like a boss. 🙂 Good luck!
Post # 3
CIO is the way to go. I know it’s not popular on the board, but I’m so glad I did it. I never, ever co slept, always has a bed time routine and my son was in his crib from day one. He is now 6 and has always been a great sleeper. People used to always ask me how I did it and it was simple. The option was unless he’s sick or something then sleep it is. It was hard the first week, I’d sit on my front porch and cry my eyes out. But every day he’d cry less and within a week there was no crying. Further proving what I already knew- he could and would go to sleep and stay asleep if we didn’t rush in esoecially if we knew he was fed, dry, not hurt and fine.
Not to sound ugly but it’s really not up to your husband what you decide to do since he is putting in zero of the work. Sleep is important- for you and your baby- and things like this don’t just magically get better especially given how old your son already is. Make a plan, form a routine and dig in because it can be a struggle. But it is SO WORTH IT. He always napped and slept great and my friends who never made their children adhere to any kind of routine or schedule are still struggling. 6 years later!
Post # 4
He does not get to make unilateral decisions without being willing to do something differently as well.
Armchair fathering (not globally perhaps, but definitely in this instance) is not ok.
If he doesn’t like the way you are doing it, he can do it himself.
Post # 5
Bichon Frise: If you and Darling Husband don’t agree, why is it that he gets the final say? Why does he get to decide that you get no sleep?
I would start sleep training and if he doesn’t like it, he can get up with the baby.
Post # 6
If your Darling Husband isn’t willing to help, then he shouldby decide what happens. Would it be ok for you to tell him how to do his job? No, so he shouldn’t dictate how you do yours.
Post # 7
I would speak to my husband and reach a compromise.
It sounds like he’s laying down the law and then expecting you to carry out his decision, and that isn’t fair. You’re in this together. If he is going to pass the full responsiblity of this onto you, he needs to understand that responsibility includes making a decision concerning what’s the best way to deal with the situation.. If he doesn’t like the decision you make, it might be reasonable that he share some of the responsibility taking turns with you.
Sure he needs sleep so she can go to work, but you need sleep too so you can care for his child responsibly and alertly all day while he is gone. It sounds a little like he thinks since you “get to” stay home, and that you have the easy end of this. Being a stay at home mother is HARD and a HUGE responsilibty. You need and deserve his help just as much as he needs and deserves yours.
Post # 8
Well, the harsher side of me suggests that if your husband was prepared to play his fair share in caring for his own son then he might be entitled to have a greater say in the matter! Sure, he has to go to work but hey, being a mother is also work. The sort of hard work that needs you to get a proper rest at night too.
I wouldn’t advise going straight from rocking your son to sleep to CIO because it’s going to be traumatic all round and you aren’t likely to cope with the hysterical crying that’s going to occur if you suddenly start putting him to bed and shutting the door behind him. However, there are ways of gradually encouraging better sleep habits which ultimately encourage him to fall asleep and accept that you won’t necessarily rush to his side at the first squeak.
For sure, he needs to learn how to self-settle and he’s not going to be psychologically scarred by being separated from you at night provided he feels secure about you being around. So you start by putting him into bed after a cuddle and a last feed (be that breast or bottle/cup) and leaving him for just a little while. When he cries you go back in quietly and, without lifting him out of his cot, give him a reassuring touch – a hand on his back say – and then leave again. Be prepared to do this for a while but don’t be tempted to get him out of bed or engage in conversation. As he learns that bed is for falling asleep in and that you are still close by he should learn to settle himself.
In the meantime, you could perhaps start to re-educate your husband in more modern methods of childcare that are not based around everything being Women’s Work!
Post # 9
CIO worked for both of my children. Your baby will never learn to self-soothe if you rock him to sleep every night. I agree with PP–have your husband read up on the benefits of helping your child develop good sleep habits now.
Post # 10
Thanks for the replies. I agree that Darling Husband shouldn’t make the final decision regarding sleep training. That’s why it upsets me that he won’t have a logical conversation and instead wants to make me feel guilty about even considering CIO. I’m going to try to talk to him some more, and see if I can find some research that will show CIO isn’t as evil as he thinks it is. I’m open to other methods besides CIO, but continuing doing what I’m currently doing isn’t an option.
Post # 11
Post # 12
Maybe I’m an asshole but I wouldn’t be convincing my husband of shit if he refused to help. You don’t wanna help? Stand back while I get this done. Just my opinion.
Post # 13
- Wedding: November 2011 - Florida Aquarium
I agree with those saying that if he won’t help, he doesn’t get a say. That’s how it works in our house, anyway. If one of us doesn’t have a better idea, we can’t reject the other’s ideas outright. If you and your son are wits end, the CIO may be the option to try next.
Post # 14
Hey hun, i’m sorry you are going through this.
Our son is almost 6 months old and also a not-so-great sleeper. He is up anywhere from 1-3 times a night and it’s exhausting. He actually doesn’t need to be rocked to sleep during the night , he’ll just eat and crash again for another few horus which is nice.
There might be a few things besides going straight to CIO (which I don’t have ANY issues with, by the way!) that might help.
First – how long will you let him cry before you go in to see him? If it’s only a couple mins, start stretching that out. If you are putitng him down at night or for a nap and you know he’s fed, clean and fine – leave him. We would do a 5-10-15 rule. He’d cry for 5 mins, I’d go in and pat his head, tell him he was fine and leave. After another 10 mins of crying i’d go in, pick him up for a min and put back down. AFter 15 mins Id do the same and sometimes even go another 15 mins before I’d realize something was still missing. After only a couple days of this he would go down no problem. At night if he wakes (or won’t immediately go back to slee) just put him down and walk away. He’ll be fine. IF he cries for 20 mins, he’ll still be fine. Put some white noise on in your rom, close the door and do what you need to do until he falls asleep.
Does he have white noise in his room? Totally pitch black?
If you want, PM me and I can tell you about some of the things that we are trying lately that are starting to help, although we certainly aren’t sleeping “through the night” yet. :/ It’s so hard, hang in there. You’re in very good company. XO
Post # 15
Bichon Frise: Have you read “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child”? I suggest you do. I suggest you have your H read it too. From other things you’ve posted about your baby and your husband it seems like he isn’t pulling his weight and you need your sleep! This is coming from a fellow Stay-At-Home Mom so I get not having help at night. Do your research and read up on sleep training and discuss it w your husband. Not only do you need sleep but your baby does too. Did you know sleep is just as important as food for brain development in babies? How are his naps during the day?