Post # 1
As the title says, DH and I are struggling to see eye to eye on what our goals are for buying a home. We have a limited budget and are in a sellers market. He wants a big yard with a detached garage. We have to have at least a 3 bedroom due to the kids. It’s not that I don’t want a big yard and a detached garage, but I don’t want that at the expense of getting a house at all. But for him it’s his hill to die on.
He wants to just wait until something comes along and we save more money to afford what he wants. I don’t. My main reason for that is our 12 year old son. Right now we live in a double wide and it is effecting him in a negative way. He is embarrassed about it and too ashamed to invite friends over. I don’t blame him and I feel badly that I am chronically ill and cannot work right now so we could afford a nice house with yard and garage.
My compromise is to buy a nice house that we can afford now, but with a small yard and no detached garage. This is in our price range, but it will likely be in one of the many small towns surrounding us. DH refuses to live in town or even in a neighborhood. He wants to live in a rural area with lots of land. So do I but it’s just not realistic right now. I would like to buy now and a few years down the road revisit the housing market and see where we are financially.
DH doesn’t want to do this and seems unconcerned that our oldest son feels the way he does. He says if we have to wait a few more years then that’s what we should do to get everything we want. But I want my son, who is already 12, to be able to experience his teenage years and remainder of his childhood in an environment where he feels confident. I want him to feel good about inviting friends over.
I just don’t know what else to say to DH to show him that it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. And while I understand his desire to be everything he wants, we still need to do what is best for our family overall and make compromises.
I’m posting because I’m wondering if I’m off base here. Am I making how our son feels too big of a deal? I don’t want DH to be unhappy but I don’t want our son to be either. I just want to find a happy medium for everyone with the resources we have at this time.
Post # 2
I don’t know what is considered ‘normal’ in your culture and therefore what kind of grief your son may or may not be getting from his friends for living in your current home. But what I do know is that he needs to grow up learning not to be embarrassed by things like where you live. What matters is who you are as a person, not your living circumstances.
Unless your home is dirty or unsafe, he shouldn’t feel embarrassed about inviting friends over and his friends shouldn’t feel embarrassed about coming. If they do, that’s more a problem with how they’re being raised than with your home.
Post # 3
I agree wholeheartedly and I try to teach him that. But our double wide is in a “trailer park” and there are all kinds of stereotypes around that. Even from adults not just kids. We live in a semi well off area and it’s a “nice” trailer park. But the kids still make fun of him and the parents won’t let their kids come over because of the park. Even though it’s nice and quiet and clean.
And it is really important to me that he gets to experience a few years of living in a “normal” house, before he’s all grown up. I just feel like DH could compromise a little bit since we can absolutely afford a nice house in town or with a smaller yard.
Post # 4
I agree with this. Your son is the one who is needlessly embarrassed. I didn’t grow up in the nicest house in the world, but my best friend and her family lived in a double wide. I used to LOVE to go over there to play with their pet goats, hang out while her dad showed us how to play SimCity on his PC, and wait by the screen door for the ice cream truck to come by.
As long as you make your home a welcoming place for your son’s friends and have fun things for them to do, your son is going to be the only one thinking on it for more than a second. He’s in middle school and starting to be self-conscious about status and material things, so it may be important to remind him and encourage him that those aren’t the only things that matter.
As for your disagreement with your husband about the house… is there a realistic likelihood that the kind of home you both would love could come up on the market, in your price range, in the next few years? It may not be in your best interest to purchase an in between home… in the course of just a few years, you likely wouldn’t get enough equity out of it to make it worth it.
Post # 5
OP, I do get it, but making this decision based primarily on your 12-year-old son isn’t the best idea. He’s 12. A week after moving, he might say he’s still too embarrassed to have friends over because the house isn’t nice enough inside or his room’s too small, etc. Or he might end up feeling horribly guilty if you or your husband realize you’re not happy there and bicker about it.
By all means make a decision that makes sense for you AS A FAMILY and that works financially — but that means that you and your husband will need to find a way to compromise. It’s a big decision and he’s allowed to have his opinions, but like all things in a relationship, you guys will both have to find a way to compromise.
Post # 6
It doesnt sound like youve done much research on your housing market. Buying now, in a sellers market, just to appease a 12 year old, and looking at selling later, potentially in a buyers market/down turn could be catastrophic. Do you know how much it costs just to sell a house? You will likely lose money just on realtor fees moving quickly again, let alone on equity.
It sounds like your house is perfectly “fine”, just you and your son are insecure about it. I dont think thats enough reason to make a risky investment and change up your entire lifestyle.
Post # 7
We have been actively house hunting for awhile now. We’ve just quickly realized that we are in a huge sellers market and there’s not much in our budget that fits what my DH wants right now. And it’s not likely to change anytime in the near future because what he wants is well over our current budget. I love the idea of living in town. I also love the idea of having a cat but he wants a dog. I think this is primarily a case of us just wanting different things.
My issue is that I am willing to compromise on a lot of things and he doesn’t seem to be. He wants a specific house in a specific place and if he can’t have that, doesn’t want to move at all.
Post # 8
A 12-year old is likely to be embarrassed by something or another involving his home or his parents. I wouldn’t make decisions based on that. If people are making fun of him for living in a trailer park, those are the wrong people to hang with. I lived in the projects when I was in high school. Yea, I was embarrassed by it. The thing is, my real friends liked me the way that I was and didn’t give a crap where I lived.
Is where you live safe? Is it clean? Does he live in a loving home? That is what is important.
Post # 9
You are right and you have many good points. I wouldn’t say my desire to buy a house is based only on my 12 year olds feelings but that factor does give me a sense of urgency. By the time we could afford the kind of house my DH wants, our son would very likely be 18. The thought of waiting that long makes me miserable for a lot of reasons.
Post # 10
If he’s absolutely not budging on anything at all when it’s very clear that a home with all his “must haves” would be way over your budget, then he may just not want to move at all. Have you had a heart to heart with him to try and figure out if deep down, that’s what’s holding him back and try to find out why he’s feeling that way?
Post # 11
I understand where you are coming from, but I also think compromise is important in a relationship. Tell your H that he needs to compromise on something. Would an attached garage work for him? Would a smaller yard be ok? I think you can probably find a house with something that will appease him and you.
You both need to write down your list of priorities. You can find a happy medium.
Post # 12
Can you clarify something?
you keep referring to this time a few years from now where you can afford to buy the house your husband wants. Is this actually thing or just your husbands talking point? What will change in a few years that you will be able to afford the big yard In a rural area? Will he be making more money?? Is it just a matter of saving for a bigger down payment, and you can afford the mortgage on the bigger house?
The sense I’m getting is that you feel guilty over your feelings and have trouble firmly stating what you want, so you overly emphasize your sons desires. It’s okay to say that YOU yourself do not want to continue raising three children in a trailer home for the foreseeable future. Frankly that sounds miserable and I’m not sure why everyone seems to be dismissing it.
I would have a lot of resentment if my family COULD live in a nice, if small yard, house but instead was living in a tiny trailer because dad dreams of a fantasy house with a big yard we can’t even afford. And what’s this insistence about living in a rural area and not wanting to live in a town or neighborhood? Correct me if I’m wrong but are you not currently in a trailer park surrounded by neighbors?? Why is that okay but living in a town is oppressive?
Post # 13
“My compromise is to buy a nice house that we can afford now, but with a small yard and no detached garage.”
But that’s no compromise on your part really, as neither the yard or garage are that crucial to you. You might want to think of other ways to compromise.
Post # 14
@anonbee401032 I think where @jellybellynelly is going is that your original post says your compromise will be to buy the home you want now and “revisit in a few years”. You do not buy a home that you only plan to stay in for a few years. You need to be there 5-10 years in most instances to make it profitable, and even then it depends greatly on the economy and market trends.
How is this a compromise to what you both want AT ALL? It is getting the home YOU want in the town YOU want, now. And just maybe he can have his house later. No compromise. The compromise would be to find a home in the area he likes with land, but maybe no detached garage. Or maybe a detached garage but not as much land. Or a home in the area you like but with land. There are ways to make it work. But a home is a HUGE investment, for 5+ years minimum, I can understand his point of not buying just to buy when it is not what he wants, it’s only what you want.
As for your son being embarrassed about your home, I don’t think a 12 year old should have a say in where you live. He is not an adult earning money towards the home, so he doesn’t get to dictate decisions on the home. Another poster said this, what if he is still embarrassed by the home you buy? What if his ideal home is a 10K square foot mansion with a pool and basketball court? Sorry kid, this is how life works.. we don’t always get what we want. It’s a great learning experience and maybe a chance for you to have a teachable moment with him about the real world.
Post # 15
He will be getting his bosses job when he retired but we don’t know when exactly that will be. Within the next 3-5 years, but nothing is set in stone. But when he talks about affording a house later with everything he wants, I know that is what he is referencing. Saving more would also be a factor of course.
And you hit the nail on the head. I really DONT want to keep raising three kids in a trailer if we don’t have to. I don’t feel that my DH appreciates how much it sucks, because he is the one away at work and the negative factors of living here do not effect him nearly as much as the rest of us. He works very long hours.
I’m not sure why he’s okay with living here but not living in a house in town. We do have a small yard that backs up to woods here. And I know he likes that. But I think the biggest thing for him is that he finds this living situation temporary even though it’s been 5 years already. When he talks about buying a home he wants it to be a forever home and doesn’t want to move again.