DH and I dont agree on what we want in a home

posted 3 months ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
805 posts
Busy bee

I don’t know what is considered ‘normal’ in your culture and therefore what kind of grief your son may or may not be getting from his friends for living in your current home.  But what I do know is that he needs to grow up learning not to be embarrassed by things like where you live.  What matters is who you are as a person, not your living circumstances.

Unless your home is dirty or unsafe, he shouldn’t feel embarrassed about inviting friends over and his friends shouldn’t feel embarrassed about coming.  If they do, that’s more a problem with how they’re being raised than with your home.

 

Post # 4
Member
2147 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

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@teaandcake:  I agree with this. Your son is the one who is needlessly embarrassed. I didn’t grow up in the nicest house in the world, but my best friend and her family lived in a double wide. I used to LOVE to go over there to play with their pet goats, hang out while her dad showed us how to play SimCity on his PC, and wait by the screen door for the ice cream truck to come by. 

As long as you make your home a welcoming place for your son’s friends and have fun things for them to do, your son is going to be the only one thinking on it for more than a second. He’s in middle school and starting to be self-conscious about status and material things, so it may be important to remind him and encourage him that those aren’t the only things that matter. 

As for your disagreement with your husband about the house… is there a realistic likelihood that the kind of home you both would love could come up on the market, in your price range, in the next few years? It may not be in your best interest to purchase an in between home… in the course of just a few years, you likely wouldn’t get enough equity out of it to make it worth it.

Post # 5
Member
9528 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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@teaandcake:  Agreed.

OP, I do get it, but making this decision based primarily on your 12-year-old son isn’t the best idea. He’s 12. A week after moving, he might say he’s still too embarrassed to have friends over because the house isn’t nice enough inside or his room’s too small, etc. Or he might end up feeling horribly guilty if you or your husband realize you’re not happy there and bicker about it.

By all means make a decision that makes sense for you AS A FAMILY and that works financially — but that means that you and your husband will need to find a way to compromise. It’s a big decision and he’s allowed to have his opinions, but like all things in a relationship, you guys will both have to find a way to compromise. 

Post # 6
Member
8373 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

It doesnt sound like youve done much research on your housing market. Buying now, in a sellers market, just to appease a 12 year old, and looking at selling later, potentially in a buyers market/down turn could be catastrophic. Do you know how much it costs just to sell a house? You will likely lose money just on realtor fees moving quickly again, let alone on equity. 

It sounds like your house is perfectly “fine”, just you and your son are insecure about it. I dont think thats enough reason to make a risky investment and change up your entire lifestyle. 

Post # 8
Member
2975 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

A 12-year old is likely to be embarrassed by something or another involving his home or his parents. I wouldn’t make decisions based on that. If people are making fun of him for living in a trailer park, those are the wrong people to hang with. I lived in the projects when I was in high school. Yea, I was embarrassed by it. The thing is, my real friends liked me the way that I was and didn’t give a crap where I lived. 

Is where you live safe? Is it clean? Does he live in a loving home? That is what is important. 

Post # 10
Member
9528 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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@anonbee401032:  If he’s absolutely not budging on anything at all when it’s very clear that a home with all his “must haves” would be way over your budget, then he may just not want to move at all. Have you had a heart to heart with him to try and figure out if deep down, that’s what’s holding him back and try to find out why he’s feeling that way?

Post # 11
Member
3906 posts
Honey bee

I understand where you are coming from, but I also think compromise is important in a relationship.  Tell your H that he needs to compromise on something.  Would an attached garage work for him?  Would a smaller yard be ok?  I think you can probably find a house with something that will appease him and you.

You both need to write down your list of priorities.  You can find a happy medium.

Post # 12
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2021

Can you clarify something? 

you keep referring to this time a few years from now where you can afford to buy the house your husband wants. Is this actually thing or just your husbands talking point? What will change in a few years that you will be able to afford the big yard In a rural area? Will he be making more money?? Is it just a matter of saving for a bigger down payment, and you can afford the mortgage on the bigger house? 

The sense I’m getting is that you feel guilty over your feelings and have trouble firmly stating what you want, so you overly emphasize your sons desires. It’s okay to say that YOU yourself do not want to continue raising three children in a trailer home for the foreseeable future. Frankly that sounds miserable and I’m not sure why everyone seems to be dismissing it.

I would have a lot of resentment if my family COULD live in a nice, if small yard, house but instead was living in a tiny trailer because dad dreams of a fantasy house with a big yard we can’t even afford. And what’s this insistence about living in a rural area and not wanting to live in a town or neighborhood? Correct me if I’m wrong but are you not currently in a trailer park surrounded by neighbors?? Why is that okay but living in a town is oppressive? 

 

Post # 13
Member
3482 posts
Sugar bee

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@anonbee401032:  

“My compromise is to buy a nice house that we can afford now, but with a small yard and no detached garage.”

But that’s no compromise on your part really, as neither the yard or garage are that crucial to you. You might want to think of other ways to compromise.

Post # 14
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee

@anonbee401032 I think where @jellybellynelly is going is that your original post says your compromise will be to buy the home you want now and “revisit in a few years”. You do not buy a home that you only plan to stay in for a few years. You need to be there 5-10 years in most instances to make it profitable, and even then it depends greatly on the economy and market trends.

How is this a compromise to what you both want AT ALL? It is getting the home YOU want in the town YOU want, now. And just maybe he can have his house later. No compromise. The compromise would be to find a home in the area he likes with land, but maybe no detached garage. Or maybe a detached garage but not as much land. Or a home in the area you like but with land. There are ways to make it work. But a home is a HUGE investment, for 5+ years minimum, I can understand his point of not buying just to buy when it is not what he wants, it’s only what you want. 

As for your son being embarrassed about your home, I don’t think a 12 year old should have a say in where you live. He is not an adult earning money towards the home, so he doesn’t get to dictate decisions on the home. Another poster said this, what if he is still embarrassed by the home you buy? What if his ideal home is a 10K square foot mansion with a pool and basketball court? Sorry kid, this is how life works.. we don’t always get what we want. It’s a great learning experience and maybe a chance for you to have a teachable moment with him about the real world. 

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