DH and I dont agree on what we want in a home

posted 3 months ago in Married Life
Post # 32
Member
3042 posts
Sugar bee

Your husband wants to live in a rural environmwnt with lots of yard/land.

What do you want? It sounds like you’d prefer a more urban or suburban lifestyle. Independent of your son… would you be happy living in a rural environment?

Post # 35
Member
7801 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

This is a tough one, Bee. It really doesn’t make sense to buy something you only plan to be in for a few years in a seller’s market–sounds risky. Unless you live in an area where it’s always a seller’s market? 

Hoping you and your husband can agree to a deadline of finding a new home within a year or two and not waiting five or six years for something that is “perfect” (for him). For now (or when it’s safe to do so) can you arrange get-togethers for your son at a park w/ snacks, at an arcade, a movie, etc. so that he can keep up his end of “hosting”? 

Post # 36
Member
3042 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
@anonbee401032:  That’s a tough one.  There’s a huge difference between urban/city life and rural life!  I’m an urban girl myself.  And I really value things like being able to run a lot of my errands on foot/bicycle, walking to the library, walk to the hair dresser, etc.  If we run out of milk or toilet paper or coffee, there’s a little shop only a few minutes away, on foot. 

I always remember the time when I was a kid and we moved into a new subdivision that… it wasn’t rural, but it was a 25 minute drive to the nearest grocery store and a longer drive to the nearest GOOD grocery store, dry cleaner, pharmacy, etc.  We only lived there for about 3 years and my mother still complained about what a pain in the butt it was for her, 20 and 25 years later!  If she needed to get milk, it was almost an hour round trip just to drive to/from the store. 

Post # 37
Member
1251 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

In four years your son will be in college or otherwise gone, having lived his entire life in a double-wide. I wouldn’t like that to be my experience, and I see why your son doesn’t, either.

Why can’t you move up in steps? The trailer was a compromise; a smaller yard etc. would be an improvement but a compromise; the next place more to your husband’s taste, and so on. A starter house is supposed to be just a start.

I think your husband is being very all-or-nothing, and I also think he’s ignoring his son’s feelings (as are many people on this board).

Post # 38
Member
1661 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
@anonbee401032:  Have either of you sat down to look at the numbers? What is the cost of missing out lower interest rates and 3-5 more years of building equity? Can you husband switch jobs? What happens if he doesn’t get the promotion or you get priced out of the housing market altogether? Practically, who is going to take care of a large yard? Would a nearby park be sufficient? Do you really need a detached garage?

Post # 39
Member
1083 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Honestly OP kids are going to be embarrassed about a ton of different things and as soon as you fix whatever it is they’ll be embarrassed about other things.  We get a new front door and my teen says ‘it’s too fancy and it’s embarrassing.’  Seriously.  It doesn’t look any different than half of our neighbors front doors do.

I get that you got excited and you want it to happen now.  That’s completely understandable.  However I don’t think what he’s asking is too much especially when you want one of those things too (the yard).  

Your son’s embarrassment about living in a nice, safe, and clean trailer park, even having a double wide, can’t come up in your arguments because when/if you move he’ll find a reason to be embarrassed about that and THAT will drive you nuts.  My kids mostly go to other people’s houses to hang out and never had friends over until about a year ago (they’re 13 and 18) and we have a very nice home.

By The Way, my kid’s therapist said you can abuse a kid in 3 ways.  Emotional abuse, physical abuse, and feeling sorry for them.  He’s going to be okay.  Take a deep breath and keep searching, the house you both want is out there.

Post # 40
Member
733 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

My mom is a realtor. I would wait and see how the market is this winter. It’s crazy right now. She just had a client bid $50K over asking price on a house because they were in a bidding war. I wouldn’t rush to buy right now if you don’t have to. 

Post # 41
Member
232 posts
Helper bee

we have been in our “starter house” for 25 years.   I tell everyone I know, don’t just buy a house you can afford and assume you will be able to sell up.    For many people who live in expensive areas, this just isn’t possible.    I live in a small house, small yard, no garage in a suburb.    I lterally hate my house and the kids didn’t have people over due to most everyone in our area living in McMansions.   

 

I see where your husband is coming from.

Post # 42
Member
1482 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

What kind of man is okay watching his wife raise his children in a double wide when she could have a comfortable home, just because he doesn’t want to move twice?! How absurd. Is he normally a selfish twat? Has he ignored your preferences and your family’s well-being at other times? And what happens if his boss doesn’t retire when expected, or if property prices increase faster than you can save, or any of the other numerous ways he could fail to get his dream house? Does he really expect you to live in the trailer park for over 10 years? Until all your kids are grown?!

If this behaviour is out of character, sit him down (without the kids or the TV) and explain how much this means to you. Not for your son, for YOU. Your main argument shouldn’t be about a 12-year-old, it should be about you and how you don’t want to live in a trailer park for a decade. Make a list of all the reasons — excluding your son’s embarrassment — that you want to buy a house now. Tell him a good husband would put his wife and his children before his dream home, and ask him to step up and be the good man you know he is… that’s assuming that he is, indeed, a good husband otherwise. Also point out that whatever house you find isn’t the forever house, it’s the 5-8 year house (or however long it takes you to save for the more expensive property). He can suck it up for that time in a house a whole lot more easily than you could in a trailer.

I get the feeling you’re the type of person to put her kids before herself and focus on their happiness above her own? In this instance, you need to think about yourself. Maybe that will get through to your husband. If you were my sister, I’d be having you and the kids come live with me until your husband pulls his head out of his ass and puts his family before a detached garage.

Post # 43
Member
6156 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

Has your chronic illness been an issue for the entirety of your family life? How are medical bills impacting your budget? I see your husband’s point of wanting to stay where you are until 100% happy with a move, and if that means waiting for your health to improve so that you can contribute to the finances then I would wait. 

I don’t understand why posters are asking how you’d like to live if your husband wasn’t in the picture and saying that he’s an ass… He has legit reasons to be wary of a move to a costlier housing option when he is the only one working ATM, and it doesn’t sound like there is a plan on when OP can get back into the workforce with a chronic illness. 

Post # 44
Member
523 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2021

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@lifeisbeeutiful:  If husband were cautious about money it would be one thing. But that’s not the hang up. The hang up is he wants a detached garage and a giant yard. That’s pretty petty stuff. Everyone is saying OP should suck it up and be content with the trailer because it’s what they can afford…why shouldn’t husband be the one to suck it up and be content with a smaller yard/attached garage because it’s what they can afford?

Post # 45
Member
6156 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

View original reply
@nattywed:  he wants a yard and garage in their budget and is willing to wait years until his employment situation looks up. I agree with her husband that it’s absurd to move twice within a few years. Hes the ONLY one contributing to the finances. We also don’t know what OPs medical bills are costing them. This isn’t the time to make large financial decisions.

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