Post # 1
So I’ve set the smoke alarm off several times at home because sometimes when I use the oven there’s a grease spill and I can’t figure out how to get it all out so the oven smokes. Last night I set off the alarm again and normally patient DH (who usually grabs a towel and starts waving it around to stop the alarm) lost his cool and shouted not f**** again every f**** time and said if u can’t use the oven right then don’t use it at all (so he didn’t swear at me but he did swear, which I hate in argument context) and I started crying and ran into the bedroom without eating dinner and went under the covers. He came in at some point and repeated don’t use the oven if you’re going to mess it up every time, then went out again. 5 min later he came back and said hey you need to eat and tried to grab my hand but I turned away. He said fine and left me alone. I finally came out and he asked can I hug you and he told me he loved me but I am still very angry that he yelled and swore. I texted him this morning at work to tell him that. Should I let this go? Why would he get so mad about such a minor issue? Do other couples go through this? Appreciate any input bees.
Post # 2
You are both to blame here. Living with someone who set the smoke alarm off regularly would really annoy me too. Alarms are loud and stressful, having to hear it regularly would be incredibly frustrating. It sounds like you have done this a number of times and this is the first time he has gotten this angry so he’s obviously just over it. If he completely blew up the first time then I could understand being upset at him.
You’re an adult, if the oven or oven tray is greasy and full of debris, which it obviously is if it’s smoking and setting off the alarm, then clean it before putting something in the oven. I mean, that’s just common sense. Your husband is annoyed because this situation is fully avoidable but you do it anyway.
As for you stomping into your room and hiding under the covers all night, that is what escalated the argument.
Do you often do this?
Post # 3
He is probably super frustrated that the oven hasn’t been cleaned yet you continue to use it repeatedly,knowing it will cause smoke and don’t pull the smoke alarm down before hand.
Post # 4
That was a massive over reaction on your part.
Post # 5
Maybe he should be the one using the oven to prepare your meals if he’s going to throw such a fit over it, swearing at you and shouting on and off all night.
Or he could google actual suggestions to help you clean it?
I think his attitude is disgusting and would have been very hurt as well if my husband went off like that over an innocent mistake that I made WHILE PREPPING MEALS FOR HIM!
ETA: If I was in your husband’s shoes, I’d be annoyed too. However, swearing at you and demeaning you the way he did is not the right approach – it’s really fucked up he reacted that way. If it were me, I’d be like “Ok, I cannot deal with this smoke detector going off anymore!! Let’s figure out a way to ensure this stops happening…” and then I’d help clean the mess that’s causing the spill or, failing that, suggest my partner deactivate the smoke detector in the future when cooking.
Post # 6
You could clean the oven and then the alarm wouldn’t go off.
He could clean the oven and then the alarm wouldn’t go off.
You sound as bad as each other, him shouting and screaming and then you flouncing off and sulking you need to learn to clean and communicate like adults.
Post # 7
- Wedding: November 2019 - City, State
I understand why you’re upset, but he has reason to be upset as well. You need to fix the root of the problem and figure out how to resolve the grease smoke issue. So, in short, yes you should let this go. This is not a big deal. He didn’t handle it very well, true, but neither did you.
Post # 8
I also get upset when my fiance swears (which is super rare) and would probably have choked up too, but it sounds like he normally is very patient about this issue and this was just one time too many.
I get being upset, but your reaction was a little extreme. A big part of communication is expressing your thoughts in words calmly and respectfully to your partner, not running away and hiding under the sheets. He failed at successful communication in this instance, but so did you. I would work on this in the future and start with letting him know how his reaction upset you and also working toward a solution to prevent this again. I’d start with a good oven cleaning!
Post # 9
I mightmhave had a similar reaction to him. The noise is terrible. But i also understand your urge to hide.
YouYou clean the oven, it’s also possible your smoke detector is super sensitive. Ours would go off when we boiled water. We got a Nest smoke detector and it is awesome. It is easy to turn off (it has a huge button, no need dto wave the towel to air it out, or you can do it with your phone), it alsos warns you with words that it is getting ready to go off. The alarm is also very loud, but much less jarring Than a regular one
Post # 10
Why don’t you know how to use or clean an oven properly? Why is this occurring so frequently? I use my oven numerous times a week and manage to not spill things, let alone grease. So first and foremost, start looking at the way you cook and see what you can do differently because clearly you aren’t doing something very effectively. Put a sheet pan under whatever you are cooking or buy bigger pans and don’t overload them so they can’t spill over with grease. And make sure you do a thorough oven cleaning with a proper cleanser.
He lost his cool. He yelled. He apologized. It happens to even the best of people. Maybe he had a bad day. Maybe he had a headache. Maybe he is just sick and tired of the same mistake over and over and it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Ask him why he got so mad if you really want to know. So what else do you want? A pound of flesh? A billboard declaring penance? Discuss the situation like adults now that cooler heads prevail to try to prevent both oil spills and yelling in the future and communicate more effectively.
Running off and having a hissy under the covers like a child was a massive over-reaction on your part.
Post # 11
The smoke alarm in my apartment will literally go off almost every time we use the oven, it happens in all of the apartments in our building so we can hear other people’s too. It’s fucking annoying, so I get why your husband got upset.
However, he shouldn’t have yelled at you and told you it’s your fault that you can’t use the oven right since it’s a problem he also knew about, you guys should have figured out a solution on how to clean it up TOGETHER.
Post # 12
- Wedding: January 2021 - Dracut, Massachusetts
Is this thing hardwired into your house? If not, then just take the stupid thing down while you’re cooking. That’s what I have done in every one of my apartments because the alarms are super annoying and they scare the shit out of my cats. I’d open the windows too.
I understand that he swore, but it doesn’t sound like he was actually swearing at you- just that he’s super annoyed at the situation- which honestly I would be too. You running into your room and hiding under the covers is kinda childish IMO.
Post # 13
Look, you can’t expect to have an adult relationship if you’re not going to act like an adult. Running out of the room and hiding under the covers because he yelled is not behaving like an adult. Plain and simple.
He was wrong to yell, but if this has happened multiple times I’d get fed up too.
Post # 14
A major overreaction on both parts.
That said, I cook a lot and I don’t spill grease or start fires. I just have the most sensitive smoke alarm in all history and it goes off ALL the time. Get a Nest smoke alarm.
Post # 15
My husband is quick to anger and he’s yelled at me before. I don’t think he’s sworn like that before but he’s taken his anger out on me. I don’t retreat and sulk, I tell him to stop talking to me like that, that I don’t deserve it.
He overreacted but I understand his frustration, but you didn’t have to sulk all night either