DH and I fought over smoke alarm

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
837 posts
Busy bee

I can’t wrap my head around an adult sulking in her bedroom, and refusing to eat. Having said that, if he has issues with how you use the oven than he can do the cooking, or clean it himself.

Post # 17
3074 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

You are seriously over-reacting….

I’d be annoyed as hell if every time my fiance use the oven he set off the smoke alarm. It sounds like he finally just had enough and lost his cool. He didn’t even swear AT you.. he just had a moment of very very understandable frustration. So you go off and cry and sulk in your bed all night and won’t even talk to or hug him? Grow up, kiddo!

…and learn how to clean an over and/or cook properly. I’ve been cooking for myself using ovens for well over a decade and I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve made a smoke alarm go off.

Post # 18
11381 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

I’m so confused. 


Why has had no one cleaned out the oven and or removed the smoke detector before using oven and then replaced.


and honestly, if Fiance did this every night, I’d flip out eventually. That noise is horrible! 

Post # 19
1306 posts
Bumble bee

I grew up in a house where the smoke alarm went off regularly because the stovetop didn’t have a real hood, and now the alarm goes off in my house because I also don’t have a proper hood, just a microwave fan which really does nothing.  It’s not a big deal, we grab a pillow and fan the alarm until it stops.  This is from stovetop cooking though.

I have never heard of someone routinely setting off the smoke detector with oven cooking.  The messiest thing that I make in my oven, that does let out a bit of smoke has never come close to triggering the alarm.  I only make this dish when my oven is due for a cleaning anyway because of the mess it makes.  This is not a normal thing to be happening, something is amiss.  Your oven is either faulty or it’s a complete mess.  

Your husband shouldn’t speak to you that way regardless.  And hiding under the covers all night is also not ideal.  If and when my husband speaks to me in a way that I find to be under the level of respect required in our house I simply let him know that.  People aren’t perfect, occasionally they have outbursts and lose their cool in their manner of speaking.  You just let him know that you are not to be talked to that way.  He should be responsive, acknowledge what he did, apologize.  You can apologize for not cleaning the oven if the task falls on you (are you the one that made a mess of it to begin with).  Or, figure out which one of you can be home to meet a repair man if the oven is not working properly.  

I’d give your husband a pass here, after re-reading what he said. He didn’t swear at you, he just swore in frustration.  It wasn’t that bad at all.  The “if you can’t use the oven right then don’t use it at all” is condescending and it’s not up to him if you use appliances that you have just as much right to as him.  But he has a valid point if it’s not being cared for properly.  

Post # 20
852 posts
Busy bee

So does he never cook which is why HE never sets the smoke alarm off?  Both of you are equally responsible for the oven not being clean. If its literally setting the smoke alarm off constantly then it must be pretty dirty. 

I can’t passed that you ran to your room hid under the covers and cried then refused to eat. Grow up. Your husband shouldn’t yell at you and is perfectly capable of cleaning the oven too but you are way overreacting 

Post # 21
567 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

You both messed this one up. Badly.

He needs to learn to communicate frustration without cussing you out, and you need to figure out how to respond to conflict without hiding under the  covers like a literal kitten.

You should both read up on fighting fair:

5 Steps to Fight Better if Your Relationship is Worth Fighting For

Post # 22
517 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I didn’t realize it was legal for a 10 year old to get married.

Post # 23
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I can understand husband’s reaction.  These alarms are designed to, well, cause alarm, and it’s not a good feeling.  It causes stress.  If this happens regularly, I could see him finally getting fed up enough to swear (and he didn’t swear at you, he swore at the situation).

There’s a chicken recipe my husband and I like to make, but involves a lot of butter (low smoke point) and a 500 degree oven.  I guess they assume you have a good oven and extractor fan (we had neither in our apartment, and have neither in our new (old) house).  It set the smoke alarm off without fail.  We’d both swear at it and get strung out. We ended up adjusting the recipe to cook for longer at a lower temp.

We otherwise do plenty of cooking that involves grease and frying, but it’s exceedingly rare that it spills and causes the alarm to go off.  Without a range hood, we’d have to take extra precautions like opening the door and windows and sometimes even running a box fan to keep any smoke at bay.  This helps a lot.

Like others have said, clean the oven (preferably as a team) and then go watch some instructive videos (YouTube has tons of legit stuff) on cooking techniques.  Gordon Ramsey has a great series of how-to videos.  

Also, make sure you have the proper cookware and equipment for the type of cooking you want to do.  If you like frying stuff, get a cast iron Dutch oven – these are heavy and stable and have high walls.  Also get a splatter shield.  For oven cooking, make sure your roasting pans and casserole dishes are big and deep enough to contain your cooking without dripping over.  If you’re not sure, put a baking sheet in the rack below to catch overflow.  You can also use your Dutch oven for braising and roasting in the oven, too.

edit:  Next time this happens (it probably will, even with a clean oven) and your husband yells in frustration, instead of running off and sulking, just hand him the spoon and have him finish up.  Or just turn down the temp and open a window and try to have it not happen again.

Post # 24
8021 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

If the fire alarm is going off more than like once a year from your cooking I would be annoyed too. Hiding under the covers is ridiculous. But he could clean the oven too.

Post # 25
190 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

Honestly, he seems super rude. Why can’t he clean the oven? Is he incapable? If it bothers him so much, he can clean it. Or suggest a solution other than a super bitchy “If you can’t use the oven right, don’t use it at all.” Not exactly a mature response. 

Honestly, my FH is so calm and level headed that if he yelled at me like that I’d likely run and hide from the shock too. Sounds like you both need some help communicating. 

Post # 26
11272 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
anonagrsta :  

Your dh could have handled himself better.  But, sometimes, people just hit the ends of their tethers.

But, my gawd, Bee. Thirteen year old girls are less dramatic.  You run to the bedroom and hide under the covers, refusing to eat.

Your scheme was actually successful, Prince Charming showed up, reached out to you twice and you rejected him each time. He tried to coax you to eat, rejected again.

But, our heroine was not done yet.  You felt the need to bug him with a text at work, making sure he knew you were angry at a time he couldn’t do anything about it.

Bee, you were nowhere ready for marriage. And somebody needs to clean the damn oven.  Hire someone if you must.  It is absolutely insane to keep going through this sturm und drang over and over. 

Post # 27
15201 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Agree with PPs…. Both of you effed up here.  If this happened a lot, I’d get fed up at some point too.  Smoke detectors going off is never pleasant.  Once in a blue moon is understandable, but it sounds often enough to be annoying. Someone just clean the damn oven, use a liner or grease tray that you can just pull out and toss and put a new one in, or SOMETHING to fix the problem.  And crying and running under the covers, then refusing to eat, seriously?!?  That is something I’d expect from like a 3 year old that hasn’t learned to express themselves fully yet.

Post # 28
10513 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

He shouldn’t have yelled. You shouldn’t have hidden away and sulked.

The smoke alarm in my apartment is super sensitive. It’s obnoxious. It probably ends up going off like once a month, my husband has never once yelled at me about it. I’m not giving your husband a pass on his behavior, like many of the PPs. Is it annoying? Yes. Was him screaming and swearing at you okay? Hell no. 

But you can’t just run away and sulk either. You both need to learn how to handle conflict better.

Post # 29
7524 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I am surprised by how horrified everyone is over a smoke detector going off. I guess many bees have never lived in a place with a super sensitive smoke detector. In my old studio apt, mine would go off prob twice a month when I cooked. It wasn’t cause I had gross grease stains either – it was just super sensitive and something as simple as cooking meat on the stove would set it off. I was newly dating dh at the time and would often cook dinner for him – he’d simply come over and fan the detector until it stopped. If he’d bit my head off and said I shouldn’t cook until I learn how to do it without setting the smoke detector off, I’d be stunned and really upset.

I’m not saying retreating to bed and hiding under the covers like OP did is a mature response either, but when you’re used to your partner being kind and never shouting at you, it really throws you for a loop to suddenly have him swearing and yelling at you and saying condescending shit. 

FWIW, my cooking habits haven’t changed at all but I’ve never had that smoke detector issue again since moving out of that apartment. 

Post # 30
904 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
sassy411 :  Once again you have nailed it. I have seen less dramatics from 12 year olds. Its like two children are cohabitating. Neither one knows how to clean the oven and neither one know how to communicate besides yelling and sulking. 

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