DH and I fought over smoke alarm

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
56 posts
Worker bee

I’d just wait for dinner to roll around and when he asks what’s for dinner, let him know that you can’t “use the oven right” so it’s up to him.  But I’m petty like that 🙂 

I’d also try to give the oven a good scrub or two before using it again in a day or two…

Post # 32
10552 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

The visual of you bursting into tears, literally running to your room and hiding under the covers me me laugh a little.

Man up a little OP.

Post # 33
1591 posts
Bumble bee

There was literally  nothing productive about the way you handled it. Stop doing that. People will get tired and stop chasing you. Get yourself into therapy to work out why that’s how you react. 

If your husband reacted like that regularly, I would consider it abusive, but everyone has a bad day once in a while and dear Lord why did you continue using the oven knowing you would cause it to smoke? 

Post # 34
351 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
futurerosiehanson :  “Why can’t he clean the oven? Is he incapable? If it bothers him so much, he can clean it.”

It’s impossible to know who should be cleaning the oven without knowing their division of responsibilities. Does OP work? Do they split cooking duties, cleaning? Who keeps making the mess?

If OP’s husband makes messes in the oven and leaves them for OP to clean up, without prior division of labor, it would be toally unfair to suggest OP clean it up every time. It’s just as unfair to suggest it’s her husband’s responsibility.

It is not at all fair for OP to brush this off as “if it bothers him let him do it”. That is NOT conducive to a healthy relationship and, depending on where they live, repeatedly setting off the fire alarm might get them in trouble (ie with a landlord).

I’m totally biased, but I’m Team Husband. When I get angry, I yell, I swear. People get mad, it happens. He wasn’t mad at her, he was mad at the situation, and it’s totally unfair to expect him to be a cool little cucumber if that’s not who he is.

Post # 35
5132 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
annabeth929 :  Best post of the week.

OP, learn how to cook properly using the right pans to catch the grease. It’s not difficult. Grease shouldn’t be dripping in the oven, it’s a serious fire hazard. Do you even know how to handle a grease fire?

Hint: don’t use water

Post # 36
305 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
anonagrsta :  I am sorry you experience this. My husband swears a lot. He is a police and the military, so it is acceptable in his life. His family grew up swearing.  However I do not allow him to do so in my presence.  If he swore in frustration at me I would take it as a disrespect.  

Also, shouting from a man frightens me. In my past it happens before I am hit. So swearing and yelling at me, I do not like. If this happens to me, yes I will run away like you. It is scary. Also I will be hurt I am working to give some thing nice and instead of helping he criticize.

I think your husband knows he did wrong, he felt bad right away.

We have the rule that the one that cooks the food does not clean up. I shop for food and cook most time however my husband cleans the kitchen and dishes. May be this can talk to your husband about doing it like this. 

Post # 37
190 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

View original reply
whitecollarbee :  Agreed to some extent. I shouldn’t have said if it bothers him, let him take care of it. You are so right that’s not a healthy way to deal with things. Every relationship is different, but my FH and I don’t divide up responsibilities. If something needs to be done, we do it, which works for us. It sounded to me like OP had already tried to clean out the oven. I guess we don’t know if her husband has. 

I just couldn’t really get on board with all these posters piling on OP telling her to clean the oven, dear god clean the oven, when there are two adults involved, presumably both capable of cleaning an oven. You’re right, we have no clue whose responsibility it is to clean their oven. But if OP’s husband’s only solution is to yell at her to stop using the oven unless she can do it right, that is not conducive to a healthy relationship either. 

Of course people get mad. Yelling isn’t a healthy means of communication, but it happens. However, OP’s husband not only yelled in the moment, but made a point to go find her when she was hiding (yes, childish) and repeat she shouldn’t use the oven unless she can do it right. That isn’t a heat of the moment response and, to me, is super immature. 

I’m sure the problem isn’t really about the oven or smoke alarm, but rather poor communication from both parties. Just my opinion, obviously. 

Post # 38
937 posts
Busy bee

I’m appalled at the amount of Bees turning the blame onto you. If my husband went off on me like that, I’d probably give him the silent treatment too…trying to handle a conflict with verbal abuse doesn’t deserve a response, and any reply along the lines of: “Don’t raise your voice at me, young man!” Will likely only escalate the situation anyway. If he wants to express that the smoke alarm annoys him, he needs to calm down and speak to you like an adult, or better yet, clean the damn oven himself if he’s the only one annoyed by it. It’s not like he’s ever asked you to prevent the smoke alarm from going off, before…so his reaction was a complete unjustified blindside. 

And the sulking thing….yes, of course you sulked, you got hurt, like anyone would be if their life companion deliberately insulted and screamed at them. I think it’s unfair for bees to hold a natural emotional reaction against you, as if none of us are guilty of having irrational emotional responses in the heat of the moment. Hindsight is 20/20, but we’ve gotta be realistic. Personally I think removing yourself from the situation so you can (both) restore your grip and calm down is more mature than shouting back at him or carrying on a heated argument. How many of us would 100% keep our cool in OP’s shoes? It’s easy to say we’d be the mature ones, while we’re not currently in emotional distress.

Post # 39
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I think the other bees have pretty much said it all so there’s not much for me to add. I will, however, say should you continue running off in tears, hiding under the covers, and refusing to eat every time an issue arises, your husband will eventually stop chasing you. Just as he grew tired of waving a towel in front of the smoke detector every time you set it off, he will grow tired of your hysterics. I get you were hurt that he cursed but if my Fiance set off the alarm nearly every time, I would be frustrated too.

Now I am not solely blaming you, I do think he was wrong for cursing. His frustration over the smoke detector should have been voiced to you prior to this. Both of you played a part.

Do not harp over this any longer, don’t text him how hurt you are, just clean the oven and figure out how to avoid spills in the future. He should also learn how to clean it as well so this doesn’t happen again. This is not a marriage-ending thing, you guys can work this out. Good luck!

Post # 40
9841 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Your reaction is exactly what I would expect from my 3 year old.

Clean the oven?

Post # 41
271 posts
Helper bee

What are you, 10? Youre a grown woman, dont run away and hide under the covers. If this is an ongoing issue, why havent you already looked up how to properly clean your oven? Grease burns off and stops smoking so are you just spilling grease over and over again?

he hsouldnt have yelled but I get why he did. Alarms are loud and annoying and if this happened often, I would be mad too. He already tried to make it better but you are massivey overreacting and hanging onto it. 

Grow up.

Post # 42
3073 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

View original reply
From_Eden2323 :  “Just as he grew tired of waving a towel in front of the smoke detector every time you set it off, he will grow tired of your hysterics.”


Post # 43
601 posts
Busy bee

So to be honest, yes, I do think you’re overreacting. Though I do understand how it can be jarring for your husband to yell and curse like that if it’s not his normal behavior. I would let this go, clean the oven and be grateful you don’t have bigger things to fight about.

Post # 44
904 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
kiram :  Yes because your way, the silent treatment, is soooooo effective for settling a problem. OP stated he didnt swear directly at her, he was cursing because of the situation. Also OP states this frequently happens when SHE is the one cooking, which suggest to me that SHE is at fault for the continued spills in the oven that result in the fire alarm going off. 

He did not verbally abuse her. Verbal abuse would be screaming and cursing in her face of which he did neither. When did saying the F word twice during a tense situation amount to verbal abuse?

As for her sulking, its infantile, and no better than giving someone the silent treatment. Adults can and do lose their temper when they have reached the end of their tether. Apparently this has gone on more than once and he has been patient, and yet it keeps happening.  

If he cooks and the smoke alarm doesnt go off and she does cook and it goes off it likely means she needs to pay more attention to what she is doing.  Last week I dropped an iron skillet on my toe and cursed up a storm. Should my DH give me the silent treatment because I used curse words in front of him and upset his delicate sensibilities? Should he remove himself from the situation. 



Post # 45
753 posts
Busy bee

I don’t know why everyone is turning on OP. Sounds like the husband was unnecessarily explosive and mean, then condescending in telling her a second time not to mess up the oven, and then to top it off it doesn’t sound like he apologized to for being a jerk. He said he loves her but where’s the apology?  He doesn’t think he did anything wrong. I think being upset and not wanting to interact with the husband was a totally normal response on OP’s part.  

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