DH and I fought over smoke alarm

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
305 posts
Helper bee

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kiram :  for me I am surprised as well, that so many think it is normal or even deserved, for some one to yell and ridicule the other when frustrated with them. 

Post # 47
Member
351 posts
Helper bee

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kiram :   “I think it’s unfair for bees to hold a natural emotional reaction against you, as if none of us are guilty of having irrational emotional responses in the heat of the moment.” Like her husband did?

Silent treatment is also abusive. I’m surprised you didn’t see the irony in your post.

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futurerosiehanson :  You make great points, and I think this just underscores that 30 posters are reading this 30 different ways. I read it as OP is usually responsible for dinner and started using the oven without checking to see if it was properly cleaned. I would be pretty annoyed by that as well. It seems like some other posters are reading this as her husband being lazy and quick to anger. I’d guess it depends on where we see our own relationships and ourselves in this situation.

Post # 48
Member
750 posts
Busy bee

I mean, if husband is justified in having an emotional angry response to the smoke alarm then why isn’t the wife justified in having an emotional upset response to being yelled at and chastised?

Post # 49
Member
351 posts
Helper bee

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mrsnyctola :  My ex would give me the silent treatment when we fought, not even on purpose (I truly believe) but because he would “freeze” and retreat, like OP did. It was maddening and so much worse than if he had yelled and we hashed it out. To each their own?

Post # 50
Member
190 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

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caligirlinmichigan :  This. Thank you. 

How is everyone calling out OP for having a childish reaction and giving the husband a pass? In my opinion, yelling and swearing and insulting your wife over a smoke alarm going off shows much less maturity than some sulking after your husband insulted you. OP I would be upset too.

Post # 52
Member
351 posts
Helper bee

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caligirlinmichigan :  I’ll get blasted for this, but my knee-jerk reaction would be because she’s the one who created the problem.

He also apologized and tried to mend fences, whereas she gave him the silent treatment for hours and continued to chastise him the next day and is still upset. He’s over it, she’s not.

Post # 53
Member
305 posts
Helper bee

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Mrs.MilitaryBee :  ” every fucking time” is referring to that every time she tries to cook him dinner in the oven, she screws it up. It is ridicule, and I am doubtful it is true. Do you really accept your husband to yell like this? 

I would run and hide myself. Adult man, yelling and swearing for the reason he is unhappy his wife repeatedly screwing up her attempts to serve him… it is scary. 

Post # 54
Member
642 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I think you both handled this poorly. However, if you are the one continously making a mess in the oven (which results in the smoke alarm going off everytime you use it, it’s not just a super sensitive alarm or faulty appliance), then it’s your responsibility to clean it properly and I would eventually run out of patience with my spouse if they continued to do something like that.

Yes, your husband could clean out the oven and solve the problem, but if he’s not the one making the messes, it’s only a temporary solution and TBH it’s eventually going to cause resentment. Have the two of you ever discussed this issue before, calmly? Like, “We really need to figure out why the smoke alarm goes off everytime we use the oven!” or “Could you please remember to clean out the oven after you use it?” And either you (or whomever is responsible for making big enough messes that the smoke alarm goes off) make the commitment to cleaning it out consistently, changing your cooking habits, or doing something about the smoke alarm. Continually letting this situation occur over and over again and doing nothing about it, then one of you snapping and the other bursting into tears is completely dramatic and avoidable. 

I agree that this is a result of poor communication. 

Post # 55
Member
5452 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

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whitecollarbee :  

Also, we learned in kindergarten that two wrongs don’t make a right. If he was here, he would be told that he was being an ass as well. No one is excusing him, he should have handled it better, but she should have as well.

Post # 57
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

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sboom :  My first ever slowclap online… I’m speechless! Thank you!! Lol. 

Post # 58
Member
305 posts
Helper bee

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whitecollarbee :  not to speak with the man that swearsand yells at your mistake, when he has not apologized… this is abuse? I do not agree.

Post # 59
Member
750 posts
Busy bee

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whitecollarbee :  well I don’t see in her story where it says he apologized. Also it is easy for him to be “over it” since he’s the one who started the altercation and he didn’t get yelled at/have his feelings hurt. It’s always easy for the aggressor to “get over” harmful interactions than it is for the person who was mistreated. 

Maybe she should get better at cleaning the oven. I don’t know. The main point I was trying to make is that everyone seems to be dumping on the OP while giving the man a pass, which is surprising to me because his behavior was really poor IMO. 

Post # 60
Member
750 posts
Busy bee

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mrsnyctola :  yes and in her story she says it’s happened a few times. It is not happening every night when she cooks. And yes, she was trying to do a nice thing in making dinner for her husband and these are the thanks she gets!

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