DH and I fought over smoke alarm

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 61
Member
7528 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
caligirlinmichigan :  Totally agree. It’s messed up that everyone wants to excuse the husband for swearing and shouting…not only that but going BACK ot the OP after his initial outburst to scold her a second time, because “we all lose our temper in the heat of the moment!” – while calling OP a child and a baby for having an emotional reaction to being yelled at. Seems like quite the double standard. 

I dunno, I empathize with the OP because it’s very uncommon for my husband to raise his voice or get angry with me, which it sounds like is the case for her too. The few times in our relationship that he’s gotten angry enough to shout at me, it has really thrown me. I also retreat when this happens and wait for us both to cool down, at which point we talk it out like rational people. It is worth noting that the husband never actually apologized for his outburst, unless OP omitted that info in her post.

Post # 62
Member
7806 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

You both need to relax. Does he have a birthday coming up? Or for Christmas??

Post # 63
Member
601 posts
Busy bee

I think the reason everyone is giving him a pass is because it doesn’t seem like it’s his normal behavior (she describes him as generally patient) and the freak out was over something totally mundane. My husband is the most patient person I know and occasionally something random will just totally frustrate him, because he’s human. 

I think where OP lost me was when he came and took her hand and said she should eat something and instead she ignored him and turned away. I understand being upset and needing your space but in my experience the silent treatment only exacerbates a problem. If she had said, “I need some time to myself but I will come out when I’m ready” I think it would have made both of them feel better. Early on in our relationship I used to give my husband the silent treatment all.the.time. (in my defense I was 18). It drove him nuts and didn’t solve anything. When I started learning to just say that I wasn’t ready to talk yet, our communication and problem-solving improved so much.

Again, I really don’t think this is anything major, but since OP came asking for advice, I think it’s helpful to let her know that this wasn’t the best way to deal with the situation.

Post # 64
Member
351 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
mrsnyctola :  Yes, silent treatment is abusive at worst and emotionally immature and manipulative at best. And once again ffs he didn’t swear AT her.

View original reply
caligirlinmichigan :  She’s the one who started it by being careless and incompetent. He has been patient with her all of the previous times she’s done this but dude hit his breaking point because she can’t get her act together. I interpreted his actions (taking her hand, asking for a hug, telling her to come eat) as an attempt to reconcile and reopen communication, from which an apology likely would have followed if OP had attempted to engage him back.

Post # 65
Member
5013 posts
Bee Keeper

He attempted to work through it after a short period of time and she rebuffed him.

OP not only rebuffed him, but also didn’t acknowledge how inappropriate her response was, and she continued to perpetuate it the following morning by text.  

There is your difference.  They both suck, but he at least made an effort after the fact and she’s too busy sulking still.

 

She also admits in her OP that the mess causing the smoke alarm to go off occurs when she is cooking.  He is not her housekeeper.  If she makes the mess, it should be her responsibility to clean it up and if she can’t figure out how to either prevent the mess in the first place or clean it up appropriately then she should ask for help and problem solve instead of just continually letting it happen.  This isn’t neurosurgery here.  Buy the appropriate oven cleaner and stop spilling shit.

Post # 66
Member
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

View original reply
tiffanybruiser :  Omg, thank you! The apartment I lived in a few years ago had a super sensitive smoke detector, too. It would go off almost every time I used the oven (or sometimes the stovetop), and it wasn’t due to the oven being dirty/greasy because I cleaned it regularly. It was annoying to deal with, and thankfully I haven’t had to deal with this type of thing again since moving. 

OP, a couple tips: Do you have a kitchen set-up where the microwave is over the stove and has a fan built in? If so, run the fan on high when you are using the oven or stovetop. For me, that seemed to decrease the chances of the smoke alarm going off. Also, try opening a window when you use the oven. 

I think your SO overreacted. I can understand getting frustrated after having a long, frustrating day, but saying something like, “If you can’t use the oven right, don’t use it at all!” is condescending and over the top. I would be hurt, too, especially since you’re going to the effort to make food for him and he doesn’t seem to recognize or appreciate that.

Likewise, you didn’t handle the situation in the most mature way by retreating under the covers and pushing him away. You both need to work on communication and tackling problems together. If this smoke alarm thing is a recurring issue, it would be much more productive if he would help you come up with and try different ways to solve it. I don’t know how often you have incidents like this, but counseling could perhaps help both of you with communicating more effectively and solving problems together. 

Post # 67
Member
904 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
mrsnyctola : My husband rarely if ever loses his temper, he has cursed but never directly at me. Only once in all the years we have been married, and I didnt retreat either and I came out of an abusive marriage! 

I once dropped an open can of floor stain all over the brand new carpet in the living room. He cursed, but not at me, but because it meant we were gonna have to replace the carpet we just put down. Was I mad that he cursed…nope, I was cursing myself for it, and two I didnt run off like some damsel in distress who doesnt know my husband well enough to know that he has never given me a reason to think he is violent. 

Post # 68
Member
305 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
Mrs.MilitaryBee :  did your husband say “every fucking time!” Like you can never do it right, or there is some thing wrong with you? 

It is mean, what he said to her. It is ridicule.  

 

Post # 69
Member
190 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

View original reply
Mrs.MilitaryBee :  What if, after you had dropped the can of stain on the carpet, he had yelled “Don’t pick up the can if you can’t carry it right!”? And then repeated that sentiment again later? Seems condescending to me. I don’t think anyone is faulting him just for the cursing alone. 

Post # 70
Member
750 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
whitecollarbee :  I have set off the smoke alarm in our house a few times when I’m cooking on the stove top. We have a microwave vent and it’s pretty much useless, and sometimes my pan gets too hot and Smokey and the firm alarm has definitely gone off. I’m usually like oh I’m so sorry, I don’t know why this is happening, and my husband is always like, don’t worry about it, it’s ok, etc. he’ll open the windows and everything goes back to normal, no fights. 

The husband here was out of line. Even if OP is careless and a shitty housekeeper, he should not have acted the way he did. And his attempts to reconcile were just trying to get OP to “get over” his bad behavior without actually saying sorry or admitting he had done anything wrong. 

BUT in the grand scheme of things this probably isn’t a huge deal anyway. I’m sure everyone will get over it soon enough. Hopefully OP does a better job of cleaning her oven grease and hopefully the husband doesn’t make a habit of overreacting to minor inconveniences and yelling at his wife!

Post # 71
Member
601 posts
Busy bee

Back to say that I’ve got my oven cleaning at the moment. Thanks for the reminder!

Post # 72
Member
7528 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
Mrs.MilitaryBee :  I’m happy for you that being yelled at by your partner isn’t upsetting for you, but different people have different sensitivities so I don’t really understand the point of saying “well this didn’t bother me so it shouldn’t bother anyone!” 

I wouldn’t lose my shit if the smoke detector went off a few times when my husband cooked – clearly many others would. That’s ok, we all have different things that grind our gears. 

Post # 73
Member
750 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
tiffanybruiser :  the general consensus on this post is baffling to me. But I occasionally see strong anti-OP sentiment on these boards, where everyone rushes to bash the female in the situation comes to the defense of the husband. I don’t get it. 

Post # 74
Member
443 posts
Helper bee

From past posts OP seems to have no problem bitching at her husband for things he does that she doesn’t like, such as drinking too much once at a family gathering or feeding the dog table scraps, yet it somehow isn’t ok for him to get angry over something she does repeatedly. She wants to go and play the victim and act like a child when the tables are turned. Neither of them seem like mature adults.

Post # 75
Member
7528 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
caligirlinmichigan :  Yeah…I am surprised by this thread too. I dunno to me there are a number of ambiguous things about the post and assumptions being made on all sides. My main questions are:

1) Was OP preparing a meal for her husband when this happened? Is she usually the one who cooks? What’s the division of labor like in their home? I’d be more understanding of the husband’s outburst if the housework is split evenly or he does more of it, but if OP is bearing the brunt of the housework and her husband is just sitting back losing his shit over a mistake she made while doing a task that is for his benefit, rather than offering a productive solution, he can fuck right off imo. 

2) Did husband ever actually apologize? A lot of people are acting like he did, but I don’t see any evidence of that in the OP. My understanding is that he yelled and cursed, then came back later and yelled some more and said some really patronizing shit to the OP…then once he’d calmed down, he played nice to try to smooth things over, but never actually apologized for his rude and hurtful behavior. I’m sorry but if my husband does something hurtful, I want him to actually own that and apologize – lovingly touching my hand and encouraging me to eat dinner would not be enough. Similarly, when I fuck up and do something hurtful to my husband, I will own that behavior and apologize for it, not try to sweep it under the rug.

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors