- 6 years ago
- Wedding: October 2011
The “issue” we were fighting about (when to take my car to the auto shop) is now resolved, but my heart is still heavy and my eyes hurt from crying.
It basically boils down to this: My dad is dying and my husband can’t relate.
My dad has had multiple heart attacks, the first happening when I was ten years old. He’s gotten worse over time. Over the last couple of years he has been in and out of heart failure. His most recent heart attack was the night of our wedding. Ever since then, he’s just been doing worse. He has a lot of fluid on his chest, so he can’t walk or even stand. We were supposed to go on a weekend trip (because we’re all afraid this will be his last Christmas) but we had to cancel it because he won’t be well enough to go.
I have always been closer to my family than Darling Husband is with his, but lately I’ve been especially needing time with my family. Darling Husband doesn’t get this. He doesn’t like having to give up time every weekend for us to drive to my parents house 30 minutes away. I’ve tried inviting my parents to our home instead, but my dad doesn’t feel well enough to leave the house anymore.
Darling Husband thinks that since he’s not necessarily on his deathbed, that I should just go about my life. He says that I’m not living at home anymore, and that I need to focus on “our” family (the two of us) Today when he said that, I honestly wished for a moment that I had waited longer to marry him. I’m not ready to just leave my family, especially not when Daddy is not doing well. I miss sleeping there, hearing him snore from the other room, and having breakfast with him before I leave for work in the morning. I miss telling him goodnight every night and giving him a hug.
I don’t think he means to be insensitive, he just doesn’t understand how I feel. How could he? He didn’t grow up with the constant fear that his dad might die soon. He didn’t worry every time his dad was late picking him up from school. He doesn’t know what it’s like to make every holiday special because it might be the last one. He doesn’t worry every time he skips a family dinner, that it might have been his last chance to hug his dad goodbye. He doesn’t frantically call his family members to make sure everything is ok every time he misses a call from his mom. I do. All of those things. It’s a miserable feeling, and he doesn’t get it. And I just cry because I feel alone.
And I really want to spend my “extra” day off with my parents, setting up their Christmas tree, and not in the waiting room of an auto shop. That’s all. I just need a little love right now, because I’ve been back from lunch for 2 hours and I can’t quit crying, and everyone is tip-toeing around me, and I hate it.