(Closed) DH and I had a huge fight today (or how I ended up sobbing in a Wendy’s)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@swanks4tw:

I’m so, so sorry about your dad. My heart really goes out to you. My dad passed away many years ago and unless it’s your own family, it’s not so easy for people on the outside to understand the huge sense of loss and desperation going on inside you when they’re so ill.

Your Fiance loves you and will just have to deal with it…have you tried saying to him everything that you’ve just said to us? Explain to him that your dad doesn’t need to be on the cusp of death for you to feel the need to spend time with him…he’s your dad…of course you need to see him more often now.

I really hope you can sit aqnd have a calm conversation focusing on how you feel and what you need from him. Hopefully, he’ll be able to help you through this x

Post # 4
Member
387 posts
Helper bee

Oh gosh I am so sorry!!  Sometimes, boys just need rocks thrown at them!!  I can safely say I am WAY closer with my family than Mr. LR is with his, so I completely understand.  He’s an only child, and I have a brother (well, three brothers and two sisters if you count the cousins we were raised like siblings with) I’m ridiculously close to, so he doesn’t understand.

 

Maybe sit down with him and explain to him your fears and basically everything you said here.  Remind him that you are only getting a limited time left with your dad, and you need Darling Husband to support you and love you because this is the hardest thing you have gone through.

 

I hope that helps, but if it doesn’t, please accept my love and support!  Please keep us updated on everything!

Post # 5
Member
46675 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

We are never ready to lose our parents no matter how long they have been ill. So of course it hurts to even think of not having your Dad around.

Is it possible for you to cut him some slack and go to see your Dad by yourself sometimes? You said he is not as close with his family, so he likely isn’t intending to be difficult, he just really doesn’t relate to what you are feeling.

Share your feelings with him in a calm way- he can’t get the message if you are shouting or crying.

Post # 6
Member
1425 posts
Bumble bee

I’m so sorry about your situation. I can’t even imagine how tough it must be.

Just curious… why don’t you go visit your family on your own?  Does Darling Husband have to go with you everytime?  I visit with my family who lives 2 1/2 hrs away as often as possible – used to be every weekend, but it’s gone down drastically since I moved in with Fiance and farther away from them.  Fiance most certainly doesn’t come with me everytime, usually only for holidays or events.  30 minutes is peanuts, and you can still come home to your Darling Husband after you’ve had a solid day with your dad and family.

Like PP said, I’d also suggest telling him what you’ve written here in a calm, collective tone.  Communication is key, and even though he might not completely understand why you want to spend as much time as you do with your family, he should accept it and support you.

Post # 7
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@swanks4tw: I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I know how you feel. My dad had a heart attack 8 years ago and my parents decided not to tell me about it until 3 days later! So now I’m super paranoid every time I don’t hear from them for a while that he’s had another one and I just don’t know about it yet. 

Good luck with this. I hope your husband can learn to understand that part of being a family is supporting each other in times like this. My thoughts are with you. 

Post # 8
Member
891 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

First and foremost, I am very sorry for what you are going through. I think that you should share your feelings about this in a sincere way to him.. and maybe consider going alone to visit your dad, and family? As he can’t relate to what it’s like for you, I think just going alone to focus on your dad and fam is imporant. I hope this turns out well for you, and be strong!

Post # 11
Member
891 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Well I lost my dad march this year. I do understand. Everything was unreal and I it happened before we (me and my family) could understand what was really going on. A long long story, but to cut it short. When it comes to my family, since we are very very close. I did everything to be with them, with my dad. I’ld rather have to do that, than regret it later, when he already was gone to not done what I did. So. That’s where my advice came from, but that is only my personal opinion. I would go and visit, every moment I wanted and could, because you will never get that back.

Post # 12
Member
1944 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I never grew up with my parents but even so I can still understand and validate your feelings and needs. Just try to communicate everything you said here to him. My Darling Husband has the same relationship you do with his parents. There is not a day that goes by he doesn’t talk to them and we see them 3-4 times a week. At times it’s hard for me but it’s just a growing thing for me bc I’m not use to it. However I don’t think I could ever be upset if he was in your position. It’s easier for me to say that bc of my profession and being around families who have loved ones that are ill/ passing. Just sit him down and let him honestly and deeply know how you feel. If he still doesn’t understand I’m so sorry. I wish I had more words…

Post # 13
Member
3261 posts
Sugar bee

I’m sorry about your dad 🙁 I really hope your SO becomes a bit more sympathetic when you need it the most .

Post # 14
Member
502 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

First of all let me say that I am sorry about your situation and will not even pretend to relate. However, I don’t necessarily think that this is a one-sided right-and-wrong kind of argument. While communicating more with your husband will certainly be a part of it, you’re also going to have to give a little. Like you said, your dad has been having health issues since you were ten. And technically all of our parents are going to die at some point. While it is supremely important to spend quality time with them you cannot just put everything else in your life on hold, not least of which because that is not the healthiest way to love people. I can sympathize with the pressures you feel, but I also think that if I were your husband I would want you to establish a better sense of balance. After all, we can all die tomorrow. 

Post # 15
Member
1327 posts
Bumble bee

I am an only child and a complete daddies girl and so this breaks my heart. My Fiance lost his dad four years ago in an accident and I know he wishes he could have spent more time with him (his dad was a trucker, so gone all the time). That said you still have your own life to live and can’t put your life on hold until you dads final days, be glad you have this time to spend with him at all rather then it being sudden and unexpected.

You need to sit down with your Hubby and decide of a schedule that he is ok with for seeing your parents. If you need to see him every weekend, then schedule that in but don’t take up the whole day, go for dinner every sunday or something like that so it doesn’t tie up your whole weekend. Take one or two evenings a week and go by yourself as well, a 30 minute drive is nothing, I do that daily. That way you will be seeing him twice to three times a week. As much as you want to spend every waiting moment with him, you can’t and he wouldn’t want you too, just treasure the time you do have together but don’t let the rest of your life go because of it. If you are able to know when his final days will be then for sure go spend every moment with him, but to put your life on hold for an unknown amount of time is really tough to do. It is a tough place to be in I know but life has never been fair.

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