Post # 1
an abstinence pact!
Basically, we are not going to have sex until we begin TTC…in December.
This may sound crazy- I mean, I know it sounds crazy. A whole year without sex?? As newlyweds??! Yes. The main reasons for this are: one) I have severe pain whilst having sexual intercourse, no matter how slow, how much lube, how much foreplay goes on beforehand, etc. two) BCP do not agree with me; I’ve tried 5 kinds and all of them have very negative side effects, three) Darling Husband does not like condoms, and I’m not going to force him to wear them, since I won’t be taking BC either. Four) We know there are many other ways of sexual pleasure besides just P into V sex. We have explored these over the course of this past week, and whaddya know, no pain for me and we both have tons of fun. I also have not had a UTI since we have been sex-free (yes, I peed before and after sex, and we are both very clean; I would still get UTIs every time we would have sex).
Has anyone else done/experienced a sex-free marriage for any length of time (willingly, of course)? Darling Husband and I both love each other so very much, and we know that while ‘sex’ is not the only important part of a marriage, it IS an important part..which is why we are exploring other things that provide pleasure, and not pain. I actually feel kind of embarrassed about this, because I know most people that are married, especially recently, aren’t abstaining from sex. We’re only doing this for one year, but that’s still a while. We are definitely sticking to our decision, but it would be impossible to talk to anyone else about this, since we’d probably just be laughed at. ;P
Post # 3
1 – Could you possibly have a yeast infection? I know there are some things that make sex painful but can be treated.
2 – Have you looked into birth control non-pill options, like implanon & nuva ring?
3 – While he may not like condoms, if its that or nothing, maybe he would consider it? Plus using a condom may help you not get a UTI?
Also, have you ever tried taking D mannose? Its a natural product that helps to prevent UTI & bladder infections. It actually tastes kinda good, mix it in with water or juice & you can’t really tell. Plus its natural, so no bad side effects :).
Post # 4
@canthugallcats: +1- I second the yeast infection possibility- you need to get that checked out. And if you can’t have hormones, there is always an IUD (although it’s a bit pricey for short-term); there are also other options like a diaphragm and spermicide or even the female condom.
Post # 5
@canthugallcats: No yeast infection- I do regular pap smears, and this has been happening the entirity of my sexual experience, not just recently.
I have considered implanon, but even with my health insurance I would have to pay $900. I have also seen too many negative reviews on nuvaring, and I really don’t want to insert it. Lol.
He would wear condoms, of course. It’s not that he won’t, it’s that we have chosen not to have sex until we TTC.
I realize this may make us sound old-fashioned/religious (as in, ‘we only believe sex is for procreation and that’s it’, but that is NOT the case here.)
I will have to look into the D mannose; that sounds great! Also, I wasn’t being snarky or rude in the above comments; I should have explained a little more in the original post, lol.
Post # 6
Have you considered the Paragard IUD like I am getting?? I will let you know if I hate my life after I get it, it will be able three weeks.
Either way, I applaud you guys. That is awesome that you both can agree on this! It will be tough, but if he is adament about no kids now and no types of BC work for you guys, then I say go for it. It’s much better than the alternative – you miserable on BCP, him miserable with condoms, or you pregnant before he’s ready.
Post # 7
@ChuckNorris: Can I just say that I love you? Lol. Yes, please let me know what your side effects and such are after a few weeks. I’ve never actually heard of Paragard!
He would absolutely wear condoms with no complaints if we wanted to, but he doesn’t see the ‘need’ in having sex. We both have kind of low libidos, so this is probably why it won’t be as hard for us. Don’t get me wrong though; he loves sex, but he’s also totally fine without it, as long as he’s..uh..getting his needs met? LOL.
Post # 8
1.) Definitely discuss the severe pain with your doctor! It doesn’t sound “normal” and is a sign you may have some other issues.
2.) I agree you can have sexual intimacy without intercourse, and if you made that choice as a couple, then good on you…what’s right for one couple may not be right for another.
Post # 9
I know it’s not the same as you, i’m not saying i am. But I had bad pain due to a latex allergy, I now have the non-hormonal IUD, which I think is what paragard is. It’s really changed my life for the better! Best decidion i’ve made in a long while. Hideous 10 mins to get it in, basically no issues since! =)
I hope you can find out what’s causing you pain, I know how much that mega sucks.
Post # 10
I am not worried about the year of no sex thing as muich as you being in that much pain when you have sex. If you haven’t already you need to see a doctor immediately about that. You may have some other issues and may or may not affect your body when you do have sex again and especially TTC.
Post # 11
I am actually calling tomorrow to make an appt with my OBGYN (had to wait and check DH’s schedule as he wants to go with me) to see what’s causing the pain. I’ve had speculations of vaginismus, endometriosis, etc. (which is actually plausible considering we did TTC for 15 months with 1 MC and no lasting pregnancies). If there is something wrong, it will mostly solidify our choice. However, if there is something wrong (fertility-related) we may bump up TTC to now.
Is non-hormonal BC (such as paragard) still effective at preventing pregnancy? I think that if Darling Husband changes his mind about this (and he might, who can blame him?) I will have to suck it up and just manage with the pain, but I want to try and prevent it if possible (being in nearly debilitating pain after sex is not a fun experience) and I really, really don’t want any more UTIs, LOL.
Post # 12
I think it sounds like a lot of fun! Maybe coming off of BC will help resolve your issues? I just came off of the Nuva Ring and at first I LOVED it, I had terrible troubles with all the different BC pills I tried and the ring had almost no side effects, until recently, when I also started having pain during sex. I had read that it can cause changes to your insides after a while and I started to get freaked out. Plus it KILLED my sex drive. So anyway, we’re not abstaining, we’re just going for it and TTC.
I hope you get this all figured out and can be pain free soon!!!!
Post # 13
@AcheneMalefic: You should totally check out Paragard! It is a non-hormonal IUD. I am getting it because you know about my issues and I reeeeally do not want hormones. I feel like that it would be completely back tracking what I have already been working on! I had my consult on the 11th and they said it takes 15-20 days for it to come in, so I should have it placed by the end of the month.
That is awesome that you both have low-ish libidos. It’s very important to be on the same level that way! I do agree that you should discuss the painful intercourse with a doctor though, just to be safe. The technical term for it is dyspareunia. Then ask about getting a Paragard!!!
@Honeyblood: Thank you for sharing your Paragard story, I have to admit, I’m a little nervous about getting mine!
Post # 14
@ChuckNorris: Oh god, I was terrified of getting mine!! Just take pain killers before, make sure you go to the bathroom (I was scared of needing to wee during the procedure) Feel free to ask me anything if you want =)
Post # 15
@AcheneMalefic: I didn’t think you were being rude at all :). I have implanon & I love it, I don’t have any side effects except lower sex drive. Maybe Too Much Information but I also haven’t had a period in the 2.5 years I’ve had it… I get it out in a few months (only for 3 years) & not sure what I’m going to do, I qualified to get it free last time, but its spendy & I don’t qualify this time!
Yes please look into D mannose, its a life-saver! Its about $30 for 1-3 months supply (depending on how often you take it). I get the powder form because I hate taking pills & the taste is actually pretty good. I got it at my local health food market.
Post # 16
I’m glad you two embrace sex outside of the standard P in V variety! Obviously homosexual couples aren’t engaging in it, and they’re happy with it! Heterosexual couples can enjoy other variety as well and still keep sexual intimacy alive.
It’s defintiely not something I could do though. Hah. Good luck with it.
ETA: and yes, you need to take this time to get checked out about the pain. That’s not normal, but not uncommon either.