(Closed) DH being sketchy or am I paranoid??

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
Post # 16
Member
3077 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

Hm.. it does sound a bit sketchy but at the same time, it could be nothing. Was last night the only time he’s been snippy with you about looking at his phone? Maybe he’s noticed you peeking at it more often lately and he’s getting annoyed with it. But again why would it matter if he’s not doing anything wrong? 

I dunno. I don’t think I would jump to conclusions just yet, but I agree with PP that said you should find normal reasons to touch his phone and see how he reacts to it. 

Also, you say he is working longer hours. When did that start? Around the same time as him being weird with his phone?? Do you know for sure he is working later? 

Post # 17
Member
7526 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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stonealaroll :  Ah ok, I thought you meant you’d been together 14 months total at present, not 14 months before your Feb wedding. That’s def a more lengthy timeframe than I was thinking.

I mean, it’s possible he’s not cheating or there’s some other weird explanation, but can you think of one? Why would you go from being totally open with your phone to suddenly being cagey and weird, putting on a passcode when you never had one before, getting snippy with your partner if you see them so much as glancing at your phone, etc.? This is not normal behavior. This is the behavior of someone who’s trying to hide something, imo. The question is, is it infidelity he wants to hide or something else? And if it’s something else, what would that be? Maybe he has some new nerdy hobby he does on his phone that he’s embarrassed of…? 

If you’re not ready to snoop, maybe try talking to him about it. You can say something like, “Hey, I don’t really know how to say this and it’s probably just me being paranoid, but I’ve noticed in the last few months that you’ve gotten a bit strange with your phone. You never used to have a passcode and now you do, and I feel like any time you think I might have a view of your phone, you angle it away from me. Should I be worried?”

If there’s an innocent explanation he should be willing to just give it rather than getting super defensive and angry. Like once in awhile I’ve been guilty of angling my phone away from dh, and he’s noticed and called me on it. I’ve always had a good reason…like I’m reading an embarrassing thread on weddingbee or something lol, and then I just fess up. If you try talking to him about it and he gets pissed off and defensive, that would be a big red flag I think.

If it were me though…I think I’d just straight up snoop rather than talking to him. I would worry that talking to him about my fears would only make him ramp up the phone security even more tightly, making a future snoop that much harder. I am a sneaky mofo though.

Post # 18
Member
5015 posts
Bee Keeper

Just because you think he doesn’t have enough alone time to be sticking his dick in someone else doesn’t mean he can’t be starting something online, having an emotional affair via text, having phone sex, soliciting nude pics, sending dick picks, etc.  But maybe that’s all stuff you are cool with and only care about actually having sex.  Which in that case it sounds like maybe you’re doing fine then.

Post # 19
Member
2629 posts
Sugar bee

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stonealaroll :  I wouldn’t say he’s definitely physically cheating, just that the sudden change in behaviour indicates something suspicious is going on. It could be an emotional affair or texting with an ex, or it could be weird internet behaviour/porn use, OR he could be planning a big surprise party for you.. The main thing is just that it’s likely that he’s hiding something.

I would do a bit more.. ‘observing’.. of his behaviour to get a more concrete idea of whether he’s deliberately hiding his phone from you. A cheater will try to gaslight you and come up with all kinds of excuses for things, so it’s best if you have something he can’t explain – like him refusing to let you use his phone to make a call etc. 

Post # 20
Member
2842 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

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stonealaroll :  I’m going to go against the grain here. Maybe the guy just wants an inch of privacy?? I would be super annoyed if my so felt the need to make it a point to glance over at my phone everytime I have it out. Not because I have anything to hide, but because it’s really none of his damn business. The honeymoon phase has ended and you are just now meeting the real him. The real him isn’t really into snoopy behavior, which is a completely valid dealbreaker. 

Post # 21
Member
1272 posts
Bumble bee

 

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smalltownbigworld :  maybe… but my husband is private about his phone too, but I know the password and he will ask me to reply to texts or whatever while hes driving so I have nothing to worry about. He doesn’t like when I look over his shoulder but he doesn’t hide the phone, he just looks up at me and says “do you mind?” Hes like that when hes reading books or the paper too. 

The fact he has started keeping his phone in his pocket instead of the usual spot in the car is a bit concerning. Even if he didn’t want her answering his texts anymore, why keep the phone out of reach?

Post # 22
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

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smalltownbigworld :  I’m like you in that I would be annoyed if my SO was always peeking over my shoulder, but I don’t understand the change in behavior. If her husband didn’t like it, why change all the sudden with no explanation?

OP, is your husband good at communicating? Is it possible he doesn’t like the behavior and instead of just telling you that he has just changed how he uses his phone so you can’t snoop? I honestly think something is fishy, but that’s just me. 

Post # 23
Member
893 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

8 months of living together is not a long time.  Not in any world or any way you look at it.  You were looking at him through the honeymoon lense and now you’re not because things don’t seem perfect anymore.  Tell him your concerns.  Communicate.

Post # 24
Member
6163 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

 Next time you go out “forget” your phone at home. Ask him to use his to make a call/google something quick, etc. You’ll see his reaction then. 

Post # 25
Member
1012 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Unless he just recently got a security clearance he’s cheating. 

There is no “why.” Its not like there’s a possible good reason for cheating. This isn’t a scenario where “why” is a question that has an answer.    

Post # 26
Member
505 posts
Busy bee

So, I have been shady AF with my phone recently (usually I am super open with it), because I’m planning a huge surprise party for my husband’s 40th bday, and I’m texting my sister, and his brother about it, and messaging vendors. 

So sure, it could be something not terrible. But you know the phrase, “when you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras”? Yeah. Cheating is the horse. 

.

 

Post # 29
Member
1608 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Pretty sure him calling you annoying is gaslighting. If my husband said that to me, I’d make him immediately regret it. 

 

Anyways, that’s a significant change in behavior and it sounds like he’s hiding something. 

Post # 30
Member
217 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Im with the other posters who’ve said to forget your phone next time you go out!! Then you’ll know…

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