(Closed) DH being sketchy or am I paranoid??

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
Post # 31
3073 posts
Sugar bee

Something’s going on. Like PP’s mentioned, it could be totally innocent. But it really doesn’t sound like it. If I’m being sneaky about a surprise, I might say “hey, no peeking! I’m looking for your birthday gift” or something light-hearted so Fiance doesn’t think it’s anything to worry about. So sorry, bee.

Post # 32
1941 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

something could be going on, or he no longer enjoys someone breathing down his neck everytime he pulls out his phone. It could have been a funny game to you, everytime he would pull his phone out to want to see everything he was up to, but after awhile maybe he got sick of it. 

D.H. and I dont casually snoop through each others phones, ever. 

if your that suspect, just straight up ask or confront him..

Post # 33
7518 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I didn’t get the impression OP was “breathing down his neck” until he started getting cagey about his phone. It sounds like both were casual and open with their phones, and then one day her husband put his on lockdown and she’s simply responding to the change in behavior.


Post # 34
208 posts
Helper bee

Why don’t you just ask to see his phone?

Post # 35
1531 posts
Bumble bee

I think the worrying part is the change. I have lock on my phone which I havent shared with my partner. I also might tilt my phone away. I’d rather he didn’t know all the random weddingbee, reddit, quora topics that I’m reading. He does the same. The difference is that we have done this for the past 6+ years. We just like our privacty. Him suddenly changing is slightly alarming.

I’m not sure cheating is necessarily the reason. But it is sketchy.

Post # 36
2842 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

View original reply
libellules :  That’s a pretty far stretch. Calling a grown adult out on an annoying habit, which let’s face it, contastantly tapping IS pretty annoying, is not the same as gaslighting. Being a male does not automatically make every little critique he blurts out manipulative. 

View original reply
stonealaroll :  Ultimately op, you need to just talk to the guy. It’s pretty ridiculous to assume that he is automatically cheating just because he finds it irritating for someone to constantly snoop on what he is doing. You have now said multiple times that the change wasn’t really drastic, you’re just picking up on some slight changes. Be an adult and have a conversation.

Post # 38
271 posts
Helper bee

Something’s up. Any change in behavior is suspicious and nowadays, cheating, whether physical or emotional, starts on their phone. 

Trust your instinct. 

Post # 39
2624 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
stonealaroll :  It’s all such little things that I feel silly getting worked up and thinking my husband might be sneaking around but then I feel silly if I just brush it off.”

That’s why you need to suss out a bit better whether it’s deliberate or not. If he is hiding something and you ask him directly about it right now he’s definitely going to lie and you’re definitely going to believe him because you’re already doubting yourself. I’m still not saying that he’s 100% up to something, but if you want to really get to the bottom of it and/or reassure yourself, you need something a bit more concrete. Don’t ignore your gut feelings, but don’t jump to conclusions either. Both will drive you nuts. 

Post # 40
11259 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
stonealaroll :  

Oh, darling.  Cheating has nothing to do with whether you are a newlywed or you’ve been together for 40 years.  Cheating is about the cheater, it’s his psychological makeup driving the behavior 

And don’t take for granted that he’s never out of your sight long enough to be having an affair. Cheaters can be absolute geniuses when it comes to time management.  They can be quite resourceful when they need to be.

Your husband’s behavior is sketch as hell.  People don’t suddenly go from being quite cavalier about their phones and spouses using them, to protecting them like they had the Hope Diamond.

You really only have one option for getting to the truth.  You have to ask your husband to let you go through his phone.  He may well have deleted anything incriminating, but his reaction will tell you a lot.


Post # 41
399 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
libellules :  PLEASE do not just put all males being nasty at some point into ‘gaslighting’

Gaslighting is a VERY serious very traumatising experience to go through. 

It’s intentional to make you feel crazy, worthless and accept bad behaviour from someone who you trust but is leading you astray.


Being an ass and being abusive & manipulative enough to Gaslight ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. This is NOT okay to compare the two.



i’m sorry OP I don’t have much to help you with. I would be honest, keep and eye out and see how he react when you talk to him, when someone shows you who they are believe them.

Post # 42
1250 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

He may not be cheating, but it sounds like there’s something he wants to hide. Maybe a gambling problem or something to do with the long hours at work. I liked the script a PP suggested – let him know you’ve noticed that he’s acting differently and ask if you should be worried.

Post # 43
2332 posts
Buzzing bee

Do you KNOW he works 10-12 hours a day? And do you KNOW that when he “works the 12-hour days”, he’s not actually working a 10-hour day and spending the other 2… taking care of personal business?

Cheaters get away with cheating all the time because their spouses think “they are always either at work or with me,” which is just really not the case.

I work a M-F 9-5, but my hours are flexible. Do you know how EASY it would be for me to have an affair, and Dh would never have an inkling? I could be having an affair with a coworker who lives nearby (taking long lunches together) or I could be literally going out on dates near where I work on the days I tell Dh I’m “working late.”

I’m NOT cheating on him, but it would be incredibly easy to if I wanted to. 

In your shoes, I would snoop. I would be very calm and collected about it – take my time and use my peripheral vision to get the pattern. And in the meantime, watch his behavior. And if things became really bad, and I wasn’t able to figure out the pattern, I’d pull the “forgot my phone” trick and straight up ask for his phone to make a call.

Then I would unashamedly take it with me to the ladies room or somewhere else he couldn’t go and take my time going trough it. 

I see NO reason for phone protecting behaviors in a serious relationship. 

Post # 44
516 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

That it is such a drastic change in behavior is concerning, but it could be that it really is just annoying. I can’t stand it when someone looks over my shoulder, and I have absolutely nothing to hide.

BUT, I get the feeling you don’t totally trust him anyway, thus the constant need to see his phone. And often our instincts are correct. It at the very least warrants a conversation. If he isn’t forthcoming with his phone in order to put your feelings at ease, then you have a bigger problem.

He may not be physically cheating, or just not yet.

Post # 45
6393 posts
Bee Keeper

The only thing I can think of that’s not cheating is you embarrassed him for what he plays on his phone so he doesn’t want you looking at his phone and making fun of him.  If that’s not the case then he’s planning a surprise.

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