(Closed) DH being sketchy or am I paranoid??

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 46
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

Something is definitely up! Girl I would get to work cracking that code on his phone. Or otherwise snoop. Get to the bottom of this.

Post # 47
5038 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2016

View original reply
impatient1 :  Not sure if the security clearance thing is a joke, but you can’t have classified on your personal phone, so def not that.

I’d also be really suspicious.  I’m not a fan of my D.H. reading over my shoulder and have my phone password protected, but he knows the password and I don’t have any problem with him using my phone. I’d probably snoop too :/

Post # 48
458 posts
Helper bee

So what’s happened OP? I’m with everyone else, the sudden change in behavior would scream suspicious to me. Have you been able to talk to him about it, have a look in his phone or at the phone bills? Or forget your phone while you’re out?? 

Post # 49
1011 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

View original reply
missinthecity :  Yes, it was meant to display how absurd of a thing would have to be true for this to be innocent. Just texting classified documents all day because you just got clearance, meanwhile your wife thinks you sell insurance. 

Post # 50
116 posts
Blushing bee

If you’re sensing something is going on, it probably is. I agree with PP – he will not give you his phone willingly if this is his behavior, so I would try to figure out the passcode and get to snooping. That’s the only way to know the truth and not whatever bullshit he will tell you if you ask. Be prepared for the worst, and also be prepared for the “violation of trust” shpeel as well. Finding out for yourself is more productive than asking 100 times if something is going on, only to waste your valuable time on someone who was cheating the whole time.

Post # 51
1492 posts
Bumble bee

Id probably figure out his password and snoop while he was in the shower. But if you can’t do that it isn’t a bad idea to leave your phone at home by “accident” while you two are at dinner and ask his phone to text your mother. If he really doesn’t want to let you use his phone than you can straight up be like, ok whats going on. You never cared before if I used your phone. What is going on. 

Post # 53
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2007 - City, State

View original reply

3 fucking weeks!? I’m sorry, is that how grown adults handle problems? You realize he failed to communicate with you about what was going on, hid it from you, you noticed a change in behavior and called him out on it, he turns it around on you and makes it your fault all of this happened, and then left for 3 weeks? 

He literally failed to communicate with you whatsoever and is making you feel like total shit for things you didn’t even know you were doing “wrong”…and wanting your spouse’s attention after not seeing them all day is normal. Wanting to spend time together after not seeing eachother all day is NORMAL. So now you are suppressing your needs in order to “give him space”. What the actual fuck.

Post # 54
3491 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Bee, what happened here is not your fault. I can’t believe that he is completely turning this around all onto you. You had every right to question his shady behaviour. His response to this situation seriously makes me wonder if he is telling the truth about his “online forum”… he has created a perfect situation for himself where he can do anything he wants, act very secretive without question, and if you express any of your own opinions or needs he gets to blame you for being “clingy” and “crazy”.

Post # 55
2593 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Yeah. I don’t think your “couple’s counseling” is working as it seems to be all about him & what he wants. What about his moving out for 3 weeks because he got upset with you? Have your addressed how immature & unhealthy that is? What’s your counselor say? 

Post # 57
148 posts
Blushing bee

I personally don’t see anything wrong with your husband’s behavior when he left for three weeks. It sounds like he is going through some really rough things mentally, we don’t know exactly what, and he needed time away to heal. That’s completely normal for someone who needs mental help, they just need space to clear their head. I see a counselor for my depression and anxiety and there are days when I feel I have no time for myself. I begin to feel like my life is out of my control every minute of the day resulting in hiding away from my friends, family and even my husband. I just tell them I need space and they (now) accept it. I once spent my birthday alone which was exactly how I wanted to spend it and even skipped out on Christmas all together one year. My family at first didn’t understand and told me how rude it was of me to choose being alone (aka my mental health) over spending time with them, and that in itself required more counseling for my depression and anxiety. 

This was never my personality before as I used to be really social. Fortunately, my depression and anxiety are beginning to pass and I have been becoming my normal, social self again slowly after a few years. 

Give him time. And don’t shame him for wanting to be alone. Especially since he is already willingly seeking help. 

Post # 58
148 posts
Blushing bee

I also want to add you did nothing wrong by asking him why he is being secretative. You did the right thing, and still are. Communicating and adjusting to each other’s boundaries is everything in a relationship and I believe you are doing just that. I just disagree with the Bees saying he was wrong for leaving for three weeks.

I hope you two work this out and get passed it. 

Post # 59
2610 posts
Sugar bee

I don’t think you were wrong to point out his change in behaviour, but there’s a big difference between asking someone what’s going on and accusing them of something. It likely wouldn’t have been such a big confrontation if you’d A) Had better proof of his secrecy and B) Used that as a segue to a conversation about it.

And it’s mind boggling to me that he wouldn’t just tell you he needs a bit of time to decompress after work. That’s really common and not personal at all. Telling you that would be FAR easier than waiting until he felt so suffocated he felt he needed online counselling and then bailed for 3 weeks.

It’s good you guys are going to counselling though. Hopefully it helps both of you to be a bit more open with each other. It’s a lot better to get to the bottom of things directly rather than letting yourself stew on an issue until it explodes. 

Post # 60
7896 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

He has a HUGE issue with no communication. He couldn’t SAY to you that he felt really squeezed from all sides and needed a little breathing room when he got home? Why not? And him complaining about you calling him out on being secretive when he was being secretive is ridiculous. This is when couples need to TALK. He has a wife who likes his company and he needs mental health help because of that? 

Realistically, he left for THREE WEEKS. That’s absurd. There’s much more to this than just what he’s telling you, IMO. 

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