(Closed) DH bought us a dog, and now it's ruining our marriage.

posted 7 years ago in Pets
Post # 107
Member
3668 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@mountainrunner333:  I know this was probably an over whelming post but I would really love an update! Were you able to talk to your hubby about his anger? Did you find a new home for the pup or are you keeping the lil guy around? 

Post # 108
Member
907 posts
Busy bee

@mountainrunner333:  My cousin’s boyfriend was like this to her dog….

He freaked out when it peed in the house or nipped at him and threw it down on the ground..

My cousin would yell at her boyfriend to not hurt the dog or treat it like that….

Then the most terrible thing happened….he was drunk one night and the dog nipped at him, he took the dog and threw it off the couch onto the floor as hard as he could

she told me the dog, about 8 pound terrier, tried to stand up and couldn’t….he had literally broken the dogs spine in half by throwing it to the ground

and the dog died later that night at the emergency clinic.  She said the vet said their was nothing they could do, that the dog had to die 

🙁 I am about to cry even telling you this story, bc my cousin loves the guy so much she is still with him and I can never personally forgive him for what he did to their dog and he has no idea I know….

Get that dog outta there or tell him this story, before he ends up accidently killing the dog, dogs are very fragile…. and he will never ever forgive himself for killing an animal, it will haunt him forever

Post # 109
Member
4605 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

The husband is the problem. Not the dog. And quite frankly, I think your husband is a dick. 

I also hope you aren’t leaving the dog alone with your husband.

My dog once kicked FH in the nuts and he kicked the dog. FH is an animal person, has had animals all of his life. But I went the fuck off on him for doing that. If I didn’t know that it was just an instant reaction and how much he really did love animals (I’ve seen him with his family pets), that relationship would have been over right then and there. We’d been together 2 years and it would have been over. No second thought. I will not tolerate animal cruelty. The fact that you won’t mention what’s happened suggests that he’s absusing the dog and has been for a while. I wouldn’t allow that to happen to any animal, so you need to find the dog a safe place away from your husband. 

His anger towards the dog only makes me wonder how long it will take before he starts taking his anger out on you, or any kids you may have… 

 

Post # 110
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee

I am so so so so so sorry you found this out after you got married to him….

Here’s my advice: Don’t rehome the dog. REHOME the husband! You sound like such a sweetheart and genuinely caring person. You do not deserve this. 

I have always judged people by how they treat creatures they deem below them. I could never ever stay married to a man like your Husband… This is gateway abuse in my opinion. Someday, he will move onto abusing you or your children – And once you have children, it will be a heck of a lot harder to leave him. Sure, you can say “It’s a dog! He would never hit me!” But there’s a million stories from women out there who had that exact same thought. 

If he can abuse a defenseless puppy, who wouldn’t he abuse?

Post # 111
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
@Westwood:  “We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals.” +1000. Love that quote. I have always felt that if a man cannot show respect to creatures considered beneath him, he isn’t a man. 

Post # 112
Member
1065 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@mountainrunner333:  “I can’t imagine if he would react like this to a baby or not. I don’t know what to do.” 

YOUR MOTHER POINTED OUT HIS “ATTITUDE” (I.E. ANGER) ISSUES. DANGER, WILL ROBINSON. DANGER. If I knew nothing else, that would make me extremely suspicious. Good mamas see the shit we are too blind to see and you need to open your eyes.

I was at first inclined to give your H the benefit of the doubt. My SO’s family have a dog that is now old. They love it very much but it is an extremely neurotic dog because they fight a lot in front of it and they do not know how to correct animals (they *scream* confusing commands at the dog rather than speak in a low, commanding voice). However, they love the dog very much, it is taken care of and happy, if somewhat dysfunctional.

But it doesn’t sound like your H is just unfamiliar with dogs. Someone who was just unfamiliar would be willing to learn and they wouldn’t dump all their probems on the dog.

It sounds like he is EXTREMELY SELFISH. Selfish in that he is projecting all his life problems onto outside influences (i.e. a fucking puppy) and strongly resents his routine being interrupted. He wants an animal tto behave exactly the way he wants on his schedule.

If that’s him, that is the kind of man that will get on his knees and scream in the face of a toddler. He doesn’t like the dog resting his head on the sofa? What happens when your kids vomits on the sofa? Or spills paint on it? Or runs screeching through the house when daddy has a headache?

I realize we don’t know him, and maybe we’re all jumping the gun, but if that sounds like him, he may be someone who should not have children. 

 

Post # 113
Member
1065 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@mountainrunner333:  “everyone thinks we are the model couple” No such thing. Let go of that idea right now. As you can see. I mean, by lashing out, has he slapped the dog in the face? Or grabbed its neck and yelled in his face? It seems like there is hatred behind his rage. And you could only hate something as innocent as a puppy if you are veeeery immature.

Post # 114
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

View original reply
@BrideToBe14:  I had to hug my dog after reading that. It brought tears. God, I can’t imagine. I don’t understand what makes a person come to that point.

Post # 115
Member
475 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Find the dog another home. I would even do so without telling him. If you tell him, he might convince you to keep the dog, in which he might then hold more resentment towards the dog.

Do this for the dog. This isnt about you right now. Do you have family that could take the puppy?

This poor dog, please do what is right.

Post # 116
Member
537 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

+100000000 to everyone saying that OP should rehome the husband immediately.

OP- without a doubt, your husband needs immediate counseling and anger management, whether you stay with him or not. If you’re sitting there and watching him abuse this poor animal, you need counseling yourself as well.

The thing is, no sane person thinks that abusing an animal is acceptable, so this whole “he’s never had a dog, he doesn’t know how to raise one, blah blah” is total bullshit. It’s a puppy for f*cks sake. For me, no amount of counseling could make me trust a man who could naturally show such aggression to an innocent, helpless creature.

Your husband is dangerous. You have a responsibility to this animal and to yourself to find safety. Do it. You also have a responsibility to your future children to bring them into a safe and loving environment- I don’t believe you’ll ever find that with this man. Act quickly, OP.

Post # 117
Member
472 posts
Helper bee

I don’t want to go into detail about what he’s done.” 

It makes me blood boil when I hear about people who harm animals. They are defenseless and it’s your responsibility to protect him. Get him the hell out of your home. 

Growing up we always had tons of animals, right now my mom has 6 dogs. I have two and I absolutely love animals. My fiance didn’t grow up with animals, and his family had the same attitude as your SO’s family. We got a puppy a few months ago who isn’t the most well behaved, but he’s sweet. My fiance has never once acted aggressive towards him, so growing up in a house without animals is no excuse.

You said you got married very quickly and that your mom saw a red flag in his behavior. To me that’s a sign that something was off about him right from the get go. Your husband is the problem, not your dog.

That is how an abusive relationship starts. Trust me, I’ve been there. Friends first see the red flags, then family, then the passive agressive behavior, controlling behavior, and finally active aggression.

Post # 118
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

no response then OP?

[content moderated for personal attack]

 

An update to let us know the poor pup is safe would be considerate

 

 

 

Post # 119
Member
7976 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

I would like to hear back from OP…

I didn’t want to say this before, but seeing as everyone else got there before me, I see no reason to beat around the bush. A few resources for you:

  • 71% of pet-owning women entering women’s shelters reported that their batterer had injured, maimed, killed or threatened family pets for revenge or to psychologically control victims; 32% reported their children had hurt or killed animals. 
  • 68% of battered women reported violence towards their animals. 87% of these incidents occurred in the presence of the women, and 75% in the presence of the children, to psychologically control and coerce them. 
  • 13% of intentional animal abuse cases involve domestic violence.
  • Between 25% and 40% of battered women are unable to escape abusive situations because they worry about what will happen to their pets or livestock should they leave. 
  • Pets may suffer unexplained injuries, health problems, permanent disabilities at the hands of abusers, or disappear from home. 
  • Abusers kill, harm, or threaten children’s pets to coerce them into sexual abuse or to force them to remain silent about abuse. Disturbed children kill or harm animals to emulate their parents’ conduct, to prevent the abuser from killing the pet, or to take out their aggressions on another victim. 
  • In one study, 70% of animal abusers also had records for other crimes. Domestic violence victims whose animals were abused saw the animal cruelty as one more violent episode in a long history of indiscriminate violence aimed at them and their vulnerability. 
  • Investigation of animal abuse is often the first point of social services intervention for a family in trouble. 
  • For many battered women, pets are sources of comfort providing strong emotional support: 98% of Americans consider pets to be companions or members of the family. 
  • Animal cruelty problems are people problems. When animals are abused, people are at risk.

Source: http://www.americanhumane.org/interaction/support-the-bond/fact-sheets/animal-abuse-domestic-violence.html

“Researchers have recognized and documented that violence towards animals can be both a component and a symptom of child, spousal and elder abuse1,2,3. For example, in a landmark 1983 study, Deviney et al2 studied 53 families who met the legal criteria for child abuse and neglect. 60% of these families abused or neglected companion animals. In 88% of the families where there was physical abuse of the children, there was animal abuse. In a Canadian study, 56% of pet-owning women seeking refuge in women’s shelters reported that their abuser had threatened or had harmed their pet. Of those women with children and pets, 65% believed the children were aware of the abuse, and impacted by it. This study, and others from the domestic violence field, consistently show that women delay leaving abusive situations because of fears for a pet’s safety. Many women’s shelters have arrangements with local animal shelters or veterinary hospitals to provide temporary housingfor their pets.

Violence towards family pets is one way that abusers exert power and control over their other victims, who may be children, spouse, or elders.

  • Threatening or hurting the pet may be used as a warning. “Next time it could be you.”
  • Threats may be used as leverage. Fear for the pet keeps family members (spouse, child or elder) from disclosing the abuse and exposing the abuser.
  • Forcing the victim to witness cruelty to their pet is emotional abuse.
  • Children who hurt animals may be acting out of their own experience, ie: what they observe, or what they undergo themselves, at home.”

Source: http://www.canadianveterinarians.net/programs/link-between-animal-child-domestic-abuse.aspx#.UsvUv7Rln0c

Abusers of animals are five times as likely to harm humans. Nearly half of the victims who stay in violent households do so because they are afraid for their animals. Countless more never leave the home for this very reason…. After a violent episode, whether physical, emotional, or sexual, tension builds to a breaking point. The abuser blames the victim and minimizes the violence, then woos the victim back in a honeymoon phase, and the victim hopes the cycle is over. But the cycle repeats itself, almost without fail.

Many victims hope the violence will end or believe they can protect animals in the home. The truth is that a person who harms animals will likely harm humans–and a person who harms humans will almost certainly harm animals. Staying with an abuser puts every human and nonhuman in the home at risk.

Children in violent households, who have likely been abused themselves, represent one-fifth of domestic animal cruelty cases. When a child harms animals it can indicate that serious abuse has been inflicted on the child; consequently, animals are abused in nearly all households in which children have been abused. Furthermore, children who witness animal abuse are at greater risk of becoming abusers. Many violent offenders committed childhood acts of animal abuse.

According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), domestic violence comes in many forms, including physical, sexual, and emotional violence, and threats. Killing, harming, or threatening to harm animals are weapons used by abusers to manipulate victims into silence and to destroy the comfort animals provide. Abuse is not a problem with anger management, but rather a way to establish and maintain control over victims.

Protecting victims of domestic violence will help protect animals too. Experts agree that statistics about abuse, while disturbing, probably downplay the true magnitude of domestic violence. To fight the silence that hides domestic violence, the 1994 Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) helped establish the National Domestic Violence Hotline and exponentially increased the reporting of domestic violence. In February, 2013 Congress passed reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act.  Without better laws, domestic abusers–who have up to an 80% rate of recidivism–will almost certainly repeat their crimes.

Animal abuse is often the first visible sign a family is in trouble.

  • Many victims entering shelters report that their abuser has hurt, killed, or threatened family animals. About a third report their children have harmed animals.
  • Victims often admit an animal is being abused before they admit their own suffering.
  • Animal cruelty investigations frequently unravel chronic domestic abuse.”

Source: http://aldf.org/resources/when-your-companion-animal-has-been-harmed/animal-cruelty-and-domestic-violence/

I also recommend reading this study: http://www.incasa.org/PDF/2011/animal_human_violence.pdf

I am not as critical of OP as some posters, because I see a woman who is being controlled and manipulated by a man who could well turn violent towards her. No wonder she is afraid. This is the final straw which has started to open her eyes. I’ll be honest and say I am more afraid for her than the dog. I think this would be the final straw for me. I would make plans to leave. I also have a feeling there are quite a few red flags in this relationship that OP is not telling us.

I’m not one of these women who goes “leave that *******!” whenever topics come up on the boards, but in this case I would be removing myself and my animal to a place of safety. If he wants you both back, he can enter counselling and show that he has changed before you return. That will show just how serious you are about this issue.

Post # 120
Member
7976 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

And PS… physical violence often begins when the woman is pregnant. Just because he hasn’t hit you doesn’t mean he won’t do in the future… especially if you get pregnant. This is a warning sign you cannot ignore.

Post # 121
Member
472 posts
Helper bee

I don’t want to put her info out on here, but let me just say it’s easy to find her. 

If anyone is serious about their concern for her well-being or for the dog’s well-being, it’s not hard to find her info, or to get in contact with her to make sure she’s okay. I’m just saying…

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