Post # 1
We have lived together 4 years and just got married. In fact we are at the end of our honeymoon as I write this. I’m so sick of him calling me b*t*h, C**t, child etc. Even in the privacy of our home I could get over it, but if we fight when out at the mall etc, he doesn’t control his volume or body language so people can hear him and also see how upset he is which I find embarassing. He also sometimes pushes me a bit and has occasionally hurt me a little bit, maybe grabbing my wrist too hard or something.
I know most women would not take this at all. But…
It is partly my fault. I am a very difficult person everyone I know says so. I know I am part of it because I cause some of the fights (eg I get particular about how my photo is taken when on holiday and ask him to take A LOT because it’s hard for him to take it the way I encisioned). Apart from adjusting my own behaciour when I remember, and talking to him about it, and suggssting counselling or self help I don’t know what to do. He apologizes after the event and them the next day does it again 🙁
EDIT.. please note when I said hurt me I mean like it’s nothing serious. More like if two siblings were squabbling.
Post # 2
- Wedding: May 2019 - City, State
No no no bee. Don’t justify his behavior. Don’t tell yourself it’s partly your fault, because it’s not. No matter how many fights you start or how nitpicky you get, this is a HIM issue. Nothing you do besides becoming physically abusive justifies his behavior.
Your husband is a textbook abuser. He isn’t sorry, he’s just saying he is to keep you from leaving. He’s not going to stop. Things will just get worse. Either he gets his ass to therapy, or you get yourself a lawyer. Better yet, get his ass to therapy and get yourself a lawyer anyway.
Post # 3
- Wedding: July 2018 - Mount Princeton hot springs
My husband takes as many photos of me as I want and laughs, at the most I get an eye roll. It is not your fault he calls you those names, it is his fault and you should be blaming him I know it’s easier said than done but he must be held accountable for his behavior and the way he’s treating you and YOU have to do that. I’m so sorry to hear that you are in this position and going through this.
Post # 4
No, it is NEVER your fault that your husband curses at you or puts his hands on you in anger. NEVER. He is abusive. Please understand that the abuse will get worse over time, especially now that you’re married and he has you more under his control (in his mind).
I have been married to an abusive man in the past, many years ago. That marriage almost destroyed me in every way, mind-body-soul. I’m lucky to be alive.
Please reach out to someone in your real life; a friend, a family member, a counselor, a person from your church, anyone (or call a domestic abuse hotline), and also learn about the Cycle of Abuse.
You are an innocent victim and what he is doing to you is very, very wrong. There is nothing you could do to ever justify his abusing you.
Post # 5
shadows9x : I’ve said this on other similar threads, get a divorce before this escalates and he really hurts you, more than he already is.
Post # 6
shadows9x : this is not your fault! Even if you are super annoying in wanting your photo taken he shouldn’t be abusive, he just needs to say “no” and walk away.
Post # 7
Please leave him. This is abuse and it’s never okay or justified. Please call the domestic violence hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
Post # 8
This is not at all okay. None of this is your fault. Please find somewhere safe to go and find help immediately.
Post # 9
I could be the bitchiest bitch on the face of this planet and my fiance would not call me those words. This is not your fault, bee. This is abuse, and you need to get away.
Post # 10
- Wedding: November 2019 - City, State
Oh bee… Normal men roll their eyes or scoff when you’re being ridiculous. They dont name call, push you, grab you or injure you. My Fiance has been pretty upset with me… never once has he done any of these things. You need to decide if you’re OK to live like this or not.
Your options are:
- put up with it and likely it’s escalation
- get him into anger management
This is a HIM problem, you are not causing him to treat you this way. Chances are, this is just who he is and will always be, regardless of counselling or anger management. But if you’re not ready to walk away, you could try that first although I’ve seen bees seriously reccomend against couples counselling with an abuser, so maybe individual counselling would be a better idea.
Post # 11
This is not ok bee. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Pushing and swearing should be deal breakers for you. The language he uses is vile, that would be enough for me to walk. Calling someone a B or C is disgusting. It’s not how you talk to someone you love and respect – would you say those words to your mum? Your sister? Your best friend? Or anyone really? Of course not, that’s not how you talk to anyone you love and respect. It’s aggressive and violent, as is the pushing and grabbing. Please be safe and get yourself out, you’ve only been married a very very short time, just leave.he clearly thinks it’s ok to treat you this way, it’s not going to get better.
Post # 12
He’s abusive and it is not your fault! Nothing you do makes it okay for him to verbally or physically abuse you. It doesn’t matter if he’s not seriously injuring you, he put his hands on you and hurt you. And it will escalate.
Do not get counseling. It is not safe to do counseling with an abuser as they typically abuse their partner for what is said/revealed in counseling.
Please reach out to family or trusted friends for help. You don’t need to be alone in this.
Contact a lawyer.
Post # 13
- Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse
shadows9x : Bee this is emotional and physical abuse. I don’t care what you do, there is no reason for him to call you those names. You don’t disrespect the person you love like that.
Post # 14
Your husband verbally and physically abuses you, and your biggest concern is public embarrassment? Dude…
Post # 15
No, no, no. It’s not your fault. You are not bringing it on yourself. The things you are doing are NORMAL. The way he reacts is ABUSIVE. Someone who loves you doesn’t degrade you. Look up abuse, it’s not just physical. Leave him. It will only get worse. It will become more physical. You need to get out. I sincerely hope you do.
Talk to you local domestic abuse services, even just to prove us wrong or to know your options. They can help you.