(Closed) DH decided to come clean about more lies and I'm numb….

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee

@texasbee:  Perhaaps try to do other things with him. Also he needs another group of friends who are in the same place in their lives. He can still be friends with his other group but married men who have responsibilities should become his main group.

Perhaps you join a club for women who you like and introduce him the their spouses. My father golfs and goes to dave and busters with a group of guys. They bond over their similar lives and actually help each other maintain their marriages through hard times. All the wives feel comfortable because they know everyone in the group is supportive and understands what it means to be married.

Post # 4
Member
2106 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Having him go out to prove that he won’t cheat is not a way to build trust. Yuck.

My husband used to have mostly single friends.  They were all getting obliterated 24/7, booze, pot… just being generally worthless from 5 pm on every day and all weekend.  Since it was all that he was seeing, he wanted to be a part of it.  I made it clear to him that they were doing that to cope with their empty lives. Our solution was to see those people less and more when they were being more socially aware (at bars vs house parties) and start hanging out with more couples.  Naturally, over time, more people paired off and wanted to party but not blackout every night. 

If my husband had sex with a prostitute and lied about it to me, I would see that as grounds for divorce.  Paying for sex is a dealbreaker for me personally.  You better believe he would never be going back to land of legal prostitution without me in tow. 

Post # 6
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee

@texasbee:  Then take him to dinner and afterwards surprise him by going out. Make sure he has fun too! Also, next time he gets an invite both of you go. Chat up the ladies his friends bring over and become a wing woman. Show his friends you being there can only help thier odds with the ladies!

Post # 8
Member
996 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

First off the friends your husband hangs out with sound like total immature partiers..They are caught up in the “single” life and are trying to drag your very much married husband with them. I understand that it happened before the two of you were together but it is very concerning that he kept this lie hidden, played innocent, and kept up the lie for 3 years. How are you supposed to trust that there isn’t anything else that he is keeping?! He destroyed the trust in the marriage and that isn’t anyones fault but his. Don’t feel guilty for “snooping” because while a lot of people say “ignorance is bliss”, I find that it’s better to know the truth so it can be real bliss.

If this were my situation personally, I would tell him I need a few weeks alone. Some time to process whether or not you as a person will be able to trust in him again after harboring such a lie for SO long. In that time I would really dig down and see where my heart was and if I had the strength to truly forgive for what has happened.

I really believe you should sit down with your husband and let him know how much this hurts you and that you feel betrayed, heartbroken, and unworthy since he couldn’t be honest with his own wife.

I know this must be incredibly hard for you so hang in there and don’t for one second doubt yourself as a person. Hang in there.

Post # 9
Member
335 posts
Helper bee

I would say to let him go clubbing, or whatever, with his buddies, but a trip to Amsterdam would be totally out of the question without me going along.  I mean, if they want to go to the red light district, they don’t have to worry about you messing up their chances.

 

Post # 10
Member
3693 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

He needs to grow the fuck up.  DH and I don’t have kids yet, and we don’t go out clubbing.  We’re sure as hell not jealous of our friends who do because we have so many other things we can do together.  

Him wanting to go to Amsterdam to prove he won’t cheat?  That’s the stupidest damn thing I’ve ever heard.  How’s he going to prove it?  Make a 24/7 video diary of the whole trip?  “Look, honey, here’s me on camera, not cheating!”  He cares more about his friends’ feelings about him than yours or your feelings of security in your marriage.

He’s being a lousy husband to you, and it doesn’t sound like he has any interest in being a good one.  You have to decide if this is how you want to live your life.  Because he won’t change after kids, I guarantee it.  He’s only going to resent you (and them) because he’ll be expected not to go out and party any more.  Also, a guy who pays for sex just isn’t a good person.  That’s someone with shitty morals.

Post # 12
Member
996 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@texasbee:  WOW that is just beyond ridiculous..how the hell do you put up with a father in law like that…jesus how does your husband even tolerate the kind of stuff he says about you?!

Post # 14
Member
543 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@texasbee:  it kind of seems like you guys are at different places… his friends should understand he is married, and he should understand he is married!

 

it is nice to have time apart and let him do his own thing with his friends,but until he can earn your trust again he should not put himself in tempting situations.

Post # 15
Member
2106 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@texasbee:  Oh, I realize that was before you were with him. For me, I would feel like I was tricked into marrying someone who had seen a hooker ever. For me, it wouldn’t matter if it was 5, 10, or 50 years before he met me.

I’m noticing a trend- your husband has a lot of influences in his life that are disrespectful of his marriage and disrespectful of your relationship. I have changed my opinion- I don’t think finding married couples who club are enough at this point. I think that he has low self esteem if he is letting his friends and family affect him so much and he is at risk for resenting you. I think couples counseling would help get to the root of why he values their opinions over yours and why all the lies. 

Post # 16
Member
335 posts
Helper bee

His dad sounds like my SO’s.  – .- His dad tried to tempt him with other girls, and talked about how he doesn’t want him to “throw his life away.”  Just because his dad picked a two-faced conwoman (bless her heart and rest her soul), and wasn’t ready for it because he hadn’t got all of his “single” years out of him, yet, doesn’t mean that my SO’s cut from the same cloth.

Maybe you should try hooking up his single friends?  Set them up on blind dates, or blind double-dates? Maybe they’ll take a hint?

That said, I agree that he needs more mature friends.  Also, you can always tell him that if he wants to act like he’s single, he could always go for broke and try being single, again.  It’s not a matter of being “pussywhipped” it’s a matter of being a man, as opposed to a boy who has yet to mature.

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