(Closed) DH didn't come home last night…again

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
2715 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

Definitely therapy.  You’re not overreacting – your two rules are very clear, simple and completely understandable (and not unrealistic in the slightest).  I have no objection to fun, but being out all night without telling you a) that he’s not coming home and b) not letting you know where he is, so you don’t worry, is ridiculous.  I’d be completely furious with my husband if he did that, not to mention worried out of my mind about him.

Post # 3
Member
549 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I think you’re communicating just fine. It sounds like your husband has a drinking and driving problem, he’s ignoring your feelings, he’s being an asshole. You aren’t nagging or crazy. This is unacceptable behavior. If he gets like this when he drinks, then he shouldn’t drink. Alcohol is no excuse for this behavior. He makes the decision to drink, knowing full well how he handles being drunk. 

My ex did things like this. He’s my ex for a reason. I needed someone who respected me, and who would operate as a family and whose actions were always made with my best interests at heart. I have that now. 

I am sorry this is happening. It was devastating being home while he was out doing all sorts of things that bothered me, including cheating. Even knowing that it took me too long to break up with him. I’m not saying that you should divorce, but if he can’t stop this behavior then you need to think long and hard about what kind of future the two of you will have ahead. He should think about getting drinking help. Someone doesn’t need to drink everyday to be an alcoholic. 

Post # 5
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee

No you are definitely not overreacting. If I were you, I wouldn’t just be worried but very angry too.

I don’t need a play by play of his day but I would definitely need to know if he’s planning to stay out late and approximately the time he aims to come out. I would also like to know who he’s out with and what bar/restaurant/place he’s at.

I know it sounds nosy and a little too much information for some people… but this is how my fiance and I operate. We both share all the details when we’re out. It’s mainly a safety issue, should anything happen to him, I would have some information to go on, as oppose to, “I have no idea… my fiance just said he went out.”

 

Although the situation is not similar, my friend has been through something similar to this. Her husband drinks “socially” as well and when he does, he’ll hit on and text girls and flirt with them. When they went through therapy, the therapist attributed all to his drinking problem. So to save his marriage, he basically had to stop drinking. And they learned that once he stopped drinking, his behaviour with other girls stopped too. Of course, this is a very simplified version…

I think you looking to see a therapist is a great first step. And I would predict that his drinking might be turning him into another person. It’s crazy what alcohol does to some people! I would also think about if your relationship has been rocky since you got married? Has he only been recently doing this or if he’s been like this the past 3 years you guys were together?

Post # 6
Member
1730 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I would not be ok with this at all. I also would probably leave him. Definitely therapy. He has a drinking problem and one he clearly has no intention of fixing. 

Post # 8
Member
2146 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

how do you know he read your messages?

that really throws me because their is no way to know if someone read a text its not like a facebook message where it registers as seen

 

I dont really have any advice but if it was my fiance he would be in serious shit when I got my hands on him

Post # 10
Member
2166 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Alcoholics come in all shapes and forms. My husband is in recovery and he was a binge drinker. It was very hard on our marriage, he got to some really shitty low points before he sought help. 

As a woman that has had to deal with this, don’t point at him and say you have a problem, especially if you want to work things through. You can only tell him what his actions make you feel if you really want him to see and hear your concerns, anything else and he will feel attacked and shy away. Alcoholics or people with drinking problems usually will not listen when someone starts in with accusatory remarks, they’ll just stop listening. 

Even if he won’t seek help with you, please go on your own. I didn’t and I regretted not getting myself help sooner because as much as this is his battle, it’s yours too because you are his partner. 

Post # 11
Member
3049 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

btob17 :  iPhones have the function to see that but it can be turned off for privacy. But if it’s turned off then it just doesn’t show the time stamp or that it was read.

Post # 12
Member
59 posts
Worker bee

He doesn’t respect you.  Ask him how he would feel if you did the same to him?  I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

Post # 13
Member
3049 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Don’t want to scare you but my father was an alcoholic and this is pretty classic behavior. 

Going through what I did as a child…there wouldn’t be any other option for him other than giving up alcohol completely and doing so with professional guidance. However, I can’t tell you what to expect or do. I would definitely get in touch with a therapist and schedule something as soon as possible. I know it’s early but I’m going to say it anyways…if he is an alcoholic and if he does choose the alcohol, do not be the woman to stay and make excuses for him time and time again. Definitely do not consider children with him until an adequate time in which he has proven to be on the right track. Prepare for being told he will do better, prepare for him doing better, prepare for him going back into old habits, and prepare for repeating it all again. You really need to figure out what you’re in for now and you really need to figure out if your husband is going to be the type of person to actually change. My father never changed and my mother still goes through what you are. Wishing you the best.

Also, if you have any…and I mean any concern that he might be testing out other substances or his friends might get him to experiment…you need to get out of the house right now. I’m not going to further scare you by being detailed but, if he does go down the path that a lot of alcoholics have, you could be put in physical danger and he won’t be in the mindset to stop himself. 

Post # 14
Member
3541 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

Darling Husband can loose track of time, and there have been times when he tells me he’s going to be home around 10pm, and 10:30pm comes around and he’s not home and not answering his phone… finally to show up at 12am. I finally lost it on him about how disrespectful it is so he gets it now. He still gets distracted and caught up in what he’s doing sometimes, and when he gets home I’ll remind him and he will apologize and make a point to do better going forward. 

So no, I don’t think you are crazy for being pissed your husband read you texts, couldn’t be bothered to respond to them, and didn’t come home all night. It sound to me like he has a drinking problem and you guys need to get into therapy. 

Conversely, my husband would flip $hit if I didn’t come home until 5:30am and didn’t have a valid reason why. I’m sure some people have different rules in their relationships, but that is not acceptable in ours. 

Post # 15
Member
1295 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

You are definitely not over-reacting. I don’t take issue with a partner staying out late, or on occasion partying with friends, but communicating whereabouts and checking in via text/phone is absolutely mandatory.

Prior to marriage back when Darling Husband and I did go out drinking more often, if we knew it was going to be a “big” night we would text saying “going out with so-and-so, should be home before 2 but will message if staying out later”. That’s all that’s necessary. 

This part of your previous message is definitely a red-flag:

He drinks “socially”, but always seems to get drunk when he does. He very rarely only has a few drinks. 

Not demonstrating the ability to control the amount he drinks is an indication of there being an alcohol abuse problem. Unfortunately, you can’t force him to change, but I would urge you to reach out to a professional or a support group as you try to work things out with him. Hopefully he comes to recognize the problem and seeks help on his own, but in the mean time I’d be proactive in finding your own sources of help and support in dealing with this.

 

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