DH didn't come home last night…again

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
3169 posts
Sugar bee

Oh Hun, I’m sorry you’re going through this. My first serious boyfriend used to drink like this and it’s just not for me. I think therapy – for you, for him, jointly perhaps, and an action plan as to how/if he thinks alcohol can play a role in his life at all is necessary. 

You’re not overreacting AT ALL. I am very liberal, live in a country that has a binge drinking culture, and have lots of guy and girl friends. None of my mates would ignore their partners all night and rock up at 5.30 like your husband did. None. Sure, we all sometimes get carried away… say we’ll be home at 9, 9 rolls around and we’re at the pub saying “just one more” and have to call husband/wife to grovel and beg for more time. But I don’t know anyone who stays out anywhere near that late (early!) on a bender. If they did it once they certainly wouldn’t be game to do it again. Your communication seems fine, your request is reasonable. Do not question your position or feel shame xx

Post # 17
Member
3092 posts
Sugar bee

What did I just read? Seriously?  OMG…I would be LIVID. You’re not overreacting. In fact, I see you’re underreacting if anything.

Here is the issue though…things can only change when he sees he has a problem. No amount of therapy (for only you) will change things if he doesn’t want to change. Of course, therapy can get you through the anger and pain on your own but IF it were me, I would be separating until there is a change. This is entirely way too stressful and disrespectful to deal with, not to mention, I would feel as if my feelings are totally insignificant to him. I could not handle it.

Post # 18
Member
12099 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I know I couldn’t live with or tolerate this. Counseling for his drinking problem, motivation on his part to stop, and dedicated follow through, or the marriage would be over. 

Post # 19
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee

Shit, bee. You got some great advice. So all I’m going to say is I’m so sorry your going through this x

Post # 20
Member
1273 posts
Bumble bee

I would be furious if I were you, in fact, if I knew my SO were drinking and driving I would be turning his ass into the police. NOTHING excuses drunk driving and putting others lives in jeopardy for the sake of your “fun”. Then we would be discussing counseling and a severe change in HIS priorities, or else I’d be out of there so fast he wouldn’t know what hit him. You are not the bad guy, nor to be blamed, for your husband’s selfish and dismissive behavior. Nothing can justify it.

Post # 21
Member
3050 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

“He’s said some pretty awful things to me while drunk that he doesn’t remember saying but he’s shocked he says them. “

You should also reread that and really let it sink in. Not just the fact that he’s that far gone on the alcohol in the moment or what he says specifically…but the fact that he is shocked he did but hasn’t changed his habits. Do not forget that sentence you wrote and do not for a second question yourself on if you’re overreacting.

Post # 22
Member
836 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I have lived with this. Leave now, it only escalates. As for the phones, almost all new phones are equipped with this option, even the cheap throw away ones. I keep one for hiking. 

Post # 23
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee

You are definitely not overreacting. Just the opposite. Personally, I would just leave and would strongly suggest that to any family member of friend. Of course you can have a go at therapy. Therapy is a wonderfull thing that can help many people but its not MAGIC. This relationship is so crazily unhealthy that both of you would really have to commit and work so so hard to save it. 

Post # 25
Member
3332 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Ugh I’m sorry bee. That’s tough.

TBH I probably wouldn’t respond right away. Get your thoughts together before you text anything back so whatever you do say comes out clear and concise.

Post # 26
Member
5161 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

feelingalone901 :  His “I ruined everything” is playing victim here. He is not even truly remorseful, he is not seeing this as a wake up call. He is saying it so you rush to reassure him, to “forgive” him. It is part of the repetitive cycle and the unhealthy dynamic that now exists between the two of you.

What your husband is doing is not okay. He is drinking to excess when he drinks (binge drinking can be alcoholism too, and people can even be functional alcoholics). He is driving drunk. He is breaking established boundaries. It is not the staying out late I find the issue so much, it is the lack of respect for you and the relationship which in this case does make the staying out late an issue. I don’t buy someone who turns into asshole when drunk actually respects you when sober. Indeed he does not as he makes the choice to keep doing this.

Honestly, he has a drinking problem and a respect problem. I think YOU should go to therapy and help you deal with all of this. But…if I were you I would be going on my own. You can’t therapy someone to respect you, and he needs to deal with the drinking issue with someone specialized in that area, but he has to admit an issue first. While I think you can go to therapy for YOU, I think you need to seriously reconsider staying with him.

 

Post # 27
Member
5049 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

This is absolutely horrible and I would not stand for it.  Individual therapy, couples therapy and addressing his drinking problem is necessary if you want to save this marriage.

Post # 28
Member
3092 posts
Sugar bee

 

feelingalone901 :  I would simply say, ‘ Darling Husband, this is not working for me. I am unhappy and constantly filled with anxiety. I dont feel respected and loved in this relationship. You need to be open and willing to go to counseling now and work through this issue, else I will have to separate myself for my peace of mind.

Then I would stop talking and see what he says.  If he even hints at the victim mentality, I would leave (if at all possible, and it’s usually possible if you try hard enough).  He will not change if there aren’t consequences and the more you talk and stay, the more your words will mean NOTHING.  Love is not enough. Dont listen to his words, just watch his actions and it will tell you everything.

Post # 29
Member
5917 posts
Bee Keeper

((((hugs)))) I’ve dealt with this with loved ones and I would definitely say your husband has a drinking problem. If he’s a reasonable, rational, decent guy when he’s not drinking, please tell him that the two of you have to sit down and have a very serious talk, pick a time when you can both be undistracted and unhurried. I would bring up the following: 

Denial. He’s likely trying to convince himself he doesn’t have a drinking problem- and he may try and convince you that you’re over-reacting. (You’re not) He’ll rationalize it by saying he doesn’t drink every day &/ or that he holds down a job. He may even bargain that he’s not a bad guy, as in “I’d never cheat on you” or “I work hard, pay the bills”…..as in hey you don’t have it so bad, I’m better than many husbands  But this is not a reasonable argument and his drinking is far too serious a problem to overlook or to compensate for in other ways. 

It sounds like, when he does drink, he has a tendency to binge drink. Definitely a drinking problem- casual social drinkers can have 1 or 2 and then switch to coffee or something, they don’t have to drain the bottle and then go looking for more.. Binge drinking can bring out risky behaviours and aggression, both of what he seems to be exhibiting. Binge drinkers often don’t want to hear that they have a drinking problem, because they don’t want to have to stop drinking, so they promise themselves they’ll control it better next time.

He is aware that, when he drinks, he acts like an asshole and that his behaviour is out of control when he drinks. So you’re absolutely right in saying he can’t keep making the same mistakes. He’s making the CHOICE to drink, knowing how it will affect his behaviour, knowing how it will hurt and upset you and negatively affect your relationship. Since he has already PROVEN to you that he can’t seem to control this choice on his own, despite the consequences and despite his predictable pattern of post-binge remorse, then he needs to acknowledge three things:

1. He cannot be a social drinker. He has a drinking problem and people with drinking problems cannot be social drinkers. 

2. He needs ongoing professional help. 

3. You will be supportive of his efforts to overcome his drinking problem- but you will not tolerate a continuation of these choices and consequences and that his after-the-fact apologies and self-pity are meaningless if they’re not backed up with a sincere effort to change. 

Post # 30
Member
1273 posts
Bumble bee

feelingalone901 :  I feel so much for you right now, I wish I could give you a hug! You are not responsible for his actions (or those of his friends), so try not to worry about it right now, but if you see it happen in the future I would definately report it. People need to be held accountable, especially when their actions affect others’ safety and well being. Do not blame yourself!

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