Post # 46
This is what I told him (I’m shaking, but I sent it!)
You make terrible decisions when you drink that hurt me and our marriage, yet you continue to make the choice to drink to excess, knowing full well what could happen. You say you’re sorry, say you love me, I forgive you and it happens again. I am not being unreasonable to ask you to tell me your plans and not deliberately ignore me all night and not come home. That’s the second time this specifically has happened, and one of the many times I’ve felt hurt by decisions you made or words you’ve said while drunk. I don’t understand why you keep doing this, but I can only logically come to the conclusion that it’s because you don’t respect me or our marriage. And that’s not ok with me.
I’m sorry you are feeling terrible but you are not the victim in this situation.
The idea of being away from you makes me sick but living in different locations for a while might be the only way forward. Part of it is that I would worry you were drinking while I wasn’t there , or damaging or relationship further. I just don’t know what to do – I feel so worthless and spineless and helpless. I obviously haven’t communicated to you how completely gutted I am every time something like this happens, and I don’t know how else to say it other than with a trial separation. “
He said something along the lines of: “I’ve never felt worse in my life”, so I responded: “That is entirely and 100% the result of your own decisions and not my fault.”
he has now suggested that he stop drinking “just like dad did”, that he’d rather do that than lose me. The words are good, but I don’t trust him to follow through yet.
Post # 47
I apologize for the play by plays here but he called me – should I have answered? I did but maybe I shouldn’t have – and I couldn’t really understand the words through the hysterical sobbing. He said sorry, that he loved me, and hung up.
Maybe I’m being dramatic but I’m pretty shaken. It took everything in me not to also break down crying and tell him it was ok. That was tough to hear.
Post # 48
feelingalone901 : Well done, you are a strong woman and I applaud you for standing up for what you deserve. What you wrote is right on the money.
The ball is in his court to make changes.
I admire you so very much, and wish you all the best.
Post # 49
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
feelingalone901 : A couple things:
a) I know that it’s hard to wrap your head around him having a serious problem with drinking, since he doesn’t slam a case of beer every day. But his drinking patterns are leading to serious problems in his life and marriage, and could easily kill someone or hurt his career. So yes, it’s a drinking problem. Some people just do not know their limits. I actually used to be this way for a long time, and probably would still be in the right circumstances, so I avoid those circumstances (hard alcohol, having to be at a bar until 2 am [DH is a musician]) so as not to fuck up my life.
2) Don’t be afraid to confide in someone. You need someone to help support you. If you don’t want to talk to someone in real life, look into Al-Anon (support group for loved ones of alcoholics).
3) He knows he fucked up. Use this opportunity to tell him that you CANNOT live like this, that he has demonstrated that he cannot indulge in drinking in a responsible manner, and that you need him to stop drinking if he wants to save your marriage. Stick to your guns. He can choose what he values more, you and his marriage, or drinking.
4) Counseling – a third party to help you talk through these things is key. Individual counseling for him would also be beneficial.
ETA: The text you sent him is great. He needs to know how serious this is. Personally I’m not sure a separation would be necessary if it were me, but each to their own. I’d definitely take him up on the “stop drinking like dad did”. Something like telling him your marriage is “on trial” for 6 months and he needs to prove that he can commit to stopping these destructive behaviors and respecting you before you can really trust him again. I’m sure a marriage counseler could help you through this. Good luck!!!
Post # 50
mrscross1020 : I’m so glad you offered that advice. I’m new to these boards and wasn’t sure if that would be an acceptable thing to say. The kind of behavior her husband is displaying is clearly AA-certfied alcoholic.
Post # 51
feelingalone901 : Good for you bee! Proud of you for sending him that. Now you really need to follow through. You cannot let him appologize and go back to normal.
Post # 52
I agree with all the PP’s regarding disrespect, alcoholism, etc. He’s got some very serious problems and certainly doesn’t deserve your loyalty and respect after what he’s done. He needs to make some immediate and drastic changes.
What I’d like to add is how best to approach someone with a problem that requires therapy. This will be important. He’s not going to want to go to therapy if he thinks it’s because he’s “the problem”. No one likes being attacked, and it’s harder when someone knows they legitimately have an issue.
Using what I like to call the “velvet hammer” might work to get him to therapy without him feeling harrassed and resentful. Instead of “You’re an alcoholic, and I’m leaving you if you don’t get therapy!”, maybe try something more along the lines of “I love you and care about you, and I’m worried about our marriage. Will you please consider going to therapy with me so we can talk this out with a professional? I fee like it’s a good idea and we’ll both benefit.” It may work, and it may not, but ultimatums are not enjoyable for either party. I wouldn’t resort to giving one unless you have to.
When you’re finally in front of the therapist, THEN put it all out on the table. Obviously, do it kindly. You love this man and do seem to want to stay married to him. But sugar-coating the real issues with the therapist won’t serve to fix what’s going on here. Your husband will probably receive the recommendation to go into some kind of recovery program. That will be hard for him, and should he be willing to do it, your support will make it much easier.
I hope all works out for you, Bee. I work in mediation every day, and trust me… hard lines are not the best approach in 95% of cases. Put your foot down when you’ve finally had enough and you’re able to mean it when you say you’re leaving, but until then, working together will be the best method.
ETA: While I was typing, you were updating, and it looks like you sent him a very eloquent message about your feelings. Very well-written! Are you still considering therapy as a necessity?
Post # 53
feelingalone901 : Dang lady! I’m so proud of you!! That took major guts and is not an easy thing to do. Alcoholics Anonymous is a wonderful program and has helped so many of my friends and family. You can go to ‘open’ meetings together. I would definitely recommend you get to an Al-Anon meeting as soon as you can. The women you will meet there will be so supportive and give you the best advice you may get without paying a therapist. I’m sending prayers your way and hope that the both of you are able to work through this together. If you can you will have a rock solid foundation for your marriage.
Post # 54
What the hell? If you need some validation, I’ll be happy to give it: This is as upsetting as you feel. You’re not crazy or nagging in the slightest. I really hope the therapy can help you guys, and I’m sorry it’s like this 🙁
Post # 55
I think the part that makes me the most sad is that you feel crazy. That is not a normal feeling for a safe and respectful relationship. You are not crazy. Your feelings are valid. manipulating the situation so that he is not at fault and you are crazy is a form of emotional abuse. This is exactly what my ex would do to me. I thought I was going crazy. its a common and natural response.
Post # 56
Also stay strong in where you stand and what you want. People don’t generally change unless there is a shake up. He needs to change. He may be feeling miserable and of course you are going to hurt when he hurts. That’s love. But you need to be strong and allow him the opportunity to pick his butt up and get the help he needs.
I truely hope it works out for you both.
Post # 57
mrssoontobeedivorced : that’s the tough part. Because at the end of the day life keeps plodding forward. Handling the day to day minutes with this looming over us seems daunting – how do I stay strong without holding this over his head unfairly? I have to give him a chance to make the changes…right?
This is tough. I attribute so much of the confidence I’ve felt this morning to you, bees. Honestly. Thank you.
Post # 58
feelingalone901 : It’s a tough situation Bee ((((hugs)))) your updates show both strength and compassion, I hope he’ll get the help he needs. And I echo what other Bees who’ve mentioned a support system for you as well such as Al-Anon
theladymarie : “I work in mediation every day, and trust me… hard lines are not the best approach in 95% of cases”
I’m surprised to hear you say you work in mediation given your recent hissy fits in your own thread- and pm’ing me afterward (deleted unread) – which wouldn’t normally be relevant here, except that you present yourself in the light of a qualified advisor. This is concerning, because your penchant for treating your own partner with kid gloves and making every excuse in the book for him could be extremely detrimental for OP here, just when she’s on the right track. A hard line is very necessary here, her husband’s behaviour is not only unacceptable, it is life-threatening! Drinking while driving, binge drinking, & drunken aggression are behaviours which put his own life and others’ lives at risk. She needs to take a hard, hard line here because she loves him.
Post # 59
feelingalone901 : “without holding this over his head unfairly? I have to give him a chance to make the changes…right?”
You can tell him things like “I know you can do it” and “you’re stronger than you think you are right now” and when you see him seeking help &/ or making changes, you say things like “I’m so proud of you!”
Post # 60
thefuturechristinabrown : Second this. AA is a valuable resource. The people I’ve seen in AA always do better than the people I see not in AA.