(Closed) DH didn't come home last night…again

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 62
Member
2853 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I dont think that his promises are enough. He needs to seek help and admit his problem. Just stopping cold turkey is likely only a short term solution to a serious issue he needs to address. I think counseling is still a must, as well as Al-anon.

Post # 64
Member
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2021

This is a start. But you need to talk about scenarios together. What if he drinks behind your back? What if your not around? What are you going to do if he reverts back? What if he can’t give it up? What if he tries for two months and then falls off the wagon? What does he need to do when he feels like drinking? What are the triggers that make him want to drink? What what can he do instead of drinking?

this is real life so there are going to be hiccups. But don’t change your core beliefs, that’s what I meant about being strong. You don’t have to give up a part of yourself to have a relationship. The two of you are supposed to build each other up. 

Post # 65
Member
27 posts
Newbee

feelingalone901 :  Therapy is definitely warranted here.  Therapists can recommend good programs, help him develop coping strategies, and help you set healthy boundaries as he gets help.  There will be difficult moments where he might fall off the wagon once or twice, and your therapist will be able to help you evaluate his commitment to being better, too.

Post # 66
Member
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2021

Yes you need to do counselling. Tell him if he is serious about stopping and making this work then counselling is going to be necessary from the start. ***edited to add that by counselling I mean to include AA. 

Post # 67
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

feelingalone901 : First, let me say I am so sorry this happened.

 I am the child of an Alcoholic. My Dad was, and still is in complete denial that he is an alcoholic. He is a typical alcoholic, come home with a 24 pack of beer and drink it before bed. My childhood had many terrible times, me having to refuse to ever ride in the car with him because he pulled a beer out of the center console, him constantly falling asleep early in the evening, etc.

 

I am so happy that you two are working through this now, and not letting it get worse. He needs to prove to you that he can be sober. So if it were me, I would want to see a 90 days sober chip from AA before I would consider anything. That is the same task I gave my dad. I told him I would consider speaking to him if he could show me that he had been sober 90 days.

Post # 69
Member
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2021

If you bring them up now will you feel confident to discuss them again later when emotions arnt so high. I think people often give answers you want to hear rather than what will happen when they are in a stressful situation. 

Post # 70
Member
2180 posts
Buzzing bee

feelingalone901 :  I think it’s a start but words don’t mean dookie until there’s sustained action behind them. I agree with a PP that AA and marital counseling are still non-negotiable.

Please don’t feel guilty. You are not some wicked witch swooping in and demanding he doesn’t have fun anymore. You are reacting reasonably, making it clear what you are and are not willing to live with, and insisting that he take his actions seriously before his addiction has a body count. 

Post # 71
Member
5863 posts
Bee Keeper

feelingalone901 :  It’s a start, but it’s definitely not enough. He cares about you, he cares about the relationship so he’s willing to work on things BUT (sorry but this is a MAJOR red flag with problem drinkers) he’s wanting to leave the door open to the possibility of drinking in the future. He’s telling himself he’ll stop for a few months, he’s saying he’ll do it when the two of you decide together-  which means he’s thinking that, after he’s proven to you (in his mind) through two months of good behaviour, that he can control his drinking, that instead of abstinence (which is necessary for alcoholics), he can control his drinking and be a moderate social drinker. He’s not intentionally lying to you because he believes he can learn to control it, to drink in acceptable moderation, but he’s lying to himself because it’s what he wants to believe- because this belief will allow him to keep drinking. 

p.s. Just read your most recent update and see that he’s agreed to immediate therapy. Now THAT is a very welcome update! 

Post # 73
Member
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2021

RobbieAndJuliahaha :  I agree with this red flag. My ex would do this too. He is a functioning alcoholic. He could be sober for 3 months and fall back off the wagon for 8 months. He would always leave the door open for himself to drink again. He also started again by hiding it. He would accuse me of cheating because he would find empty beer bottles in places that he couldn’t remember putting because he had come home drunk, hidden them and then couldn’t remember doing it. I have never seen an alcoholic just have one drink and be satisfied. The problem is that even after 10 years being sober hey are still an alcoholic. It’s not something that you can flip a switch and be done. 

Post # 74
Member
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2021

i think you will also go through some emotional hardships with this so even if he doesn’t agree to counselling I think you should do some for you. It’s very easy to accept blame for this and tell yourself some lies to be able to get through it. Eg I’m too tough on him and don’t give him enough space. He should be allowed to go out with friends and have a good time (yes he should but this type of behaviour that he shows is unacceptable), not saying that this is what’s happening but it’s easy to blame yourself. It’s not your fault. His actions are his responsibility. 

Post # 75
Member
5863 posts
Bee Keeper

feelingalone901 :  Unfortunately I would say no, he has to accept that he can’t be a social drinker. It’s like a smoker saying ‘well I won’t quit, but I’ll cut down to 1 or 2 a day’. that still makes him a smoker and that still leaves the door open to a very slippery slope, he may very well be able to limit himself to 1 or 2 cigarettes a day for a week or month etc, but as soon as he gets stressed out or in a trigger-environment or situation, he’s reaching for that pack of cigarettes  and 1 or 2 becomes 10. 

p,s. you might want to share this with your husband:

http://www.step12.com/alcoholic-20-questions.html

if he answers these questions honestly, it may open his eyes to the seriousness of the problem. 

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