(Closed) DH does not trust me. I don't know what to do.

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
5480 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Vindictive me says to give him a taste of his own medicine.  Violate his privacy.  Harrass him throughout the day, checking up on him and questioning him.  Read his mail.  Hack his e-mail.  Make his life miserable.

Rational me says to confront this issue head-on.  Suggest he seek counseling or therapy of some sort, because it isn’t normal to bring up old stuff every chance he gets.  At some point he needs to decide which he will let go:  you or his jealousy/anger/whatever. 

I’m sorry you have to go through this.  He can either work on his issues with trust or he can continue to make your life hell. 

Post # 4
3555 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Ok, kissing your ex was bad, but that was 6 years ago. He found this out by violating your privacy three years ago. Now out of the blue he brings this back up and uses it as an excuse to continually violate your privacy. He has some serious trust issues, and it sounds like control issues as well. I don’t think it’s your fault that he is like this, if you moved past this in your relationship, then that is where it should be in the past. The way he is controling your behavior and demanding total accountability sounds like it is becoming abusive to me. I think he needs to see a therapist and figure out why he feels like he needs to/it is ok to control you.

Post # 5
4314 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

What… he can’t trust YOU?  Sounds like you can’t trust him.

Post # 6
1132 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Eckle:  +1

You had what I would consider a minor slip up with you were 19. He has now had several major slip ups by invading your privacy in a myriad of ways.

Post # 7
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

This is not your fault. You made a mistake at 19 and he needs to learn to work though his trust issues. What he’s doing is terrorizing you and he’s becomeing a controling asshole.

To me, what he’s doing is emotional abuse. He has you on constant watch and needs to know everything you do every minute of every day. It’s not healthy and he needs to seek professional help.

Stop allowing him to hold what you did at 19 over your head. When he forgave you and you moved on with your relationship, he agreed he would forgive you and move on. Constantly holding it over your head and using it against every you is not heathy  or ok.


Post # 8
9614 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@SadBee32947:   Oh, wow, I feel for you.  I can see both sides of this situation.  Here’s what might be going on with him:  Perhaps he suppressed a lot of his jealous feelings back when this incident happened because he loved you and didn’t want to lose you or ruin your relationship.

Now that you’re married and he feels emotionally and psychologically safer with you, the betrayal has come flooding back to haunt him.

You can help him overcome this; be patient with him and also patient with yourself.  I understand your side, you were young, you made a stupid mistake and deeply regret it.  But being overly defensive with him about it won’t help, it will only make things worse.

You betrayed him and were unfaithful to him.  Although you know it meant nothing and it was just one kiss one time, in the back of your husband’s mind he’s wondering if it meant more or if anything else happened that he doesn’t know about.  Hence his obsessive checking-up-on-you behavior.

Sit him down and tell him you know what you did, so long ago, was very wrong and deeply hurtful to him and that you betrayed his trust and admit it.  Also remind him that was many years ago, you’ve apologized countless times, and he has accepted your apology.  You have moved on from what happened and are now married. 

Tell him how much you need and value his trust and that you have nothing to hide.  Is keeping your Facebook password a secret so important to you?  If you give it to him it may make him feel more comfortable.  Let him check up on you, to a point.  But also point out to him that while you’ll be patient while he processes the emotions he’s going through right now (albeit very delayed), you also won’t live with this situation permanently. 

Let him know you understand how he feels, but he is being disrespectful to you and your marriage if he continues to obsess about one mistake you made years ago.  It may take couple’s counseling to help you two resolve this.  If he’s willing to go, that would be a good sign. 

Above all, don’t allow his behavior get to the abusive level, or you’re right, this will ruin your marriage.  He needs to get a grip and if you demonstrate to him, once again, how sorry you are and you need to work together to get beyond this.  Let him know the only way this is acceptable (his checking up on you) is if it is a temporary situation to help him earn back trust.  Then his need to check up on you should dissipate, since you have nothing to hide.

I wish you all the best!

Post # 10
945 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@deetroitwhat:  What do you mean she can’t trust him? He’s all up in her buisness all the time… Maybe you misunderstood what she is trying to say? 


Post # 11
162 posts
Blushing bee

COUNSELING COUNSELING COUNSELING. If you want to keep this marriage together there is a serious TRUST issue on his part and he’s using what you did at 19 to feul his own insecurities that probably have nothing to do with you.

A relationship without trust is like being in a prison. It’s not healthy or comfortable. Go to counseling together to work on his trust issues. I only say together so you can show your support, but HE really needs some counseling to figure out the REAL reason he has trust issues. You may find it has nothing to do with you.

Post # 12
1855 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@miss.wiggums:  I think she meant that OP can’t trust her DH to respect her privacy.

Post # 13
945 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@inspiredcreations:  Ah, okay. I wasn’t trying to be snarky.. I was just legitimately confused.

Post # 14
1855 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

OP, sorry you’re being subjected to his completely inappropriate behavior.  I agree with the rest; counseling is your best shot because if he doesn’t get this under control soon, I can only imagine that you’re going to be mentally/emotionally checking out of your marriage.  ((hugs))  What he’s doing is NOT okay.

Post # 15
181 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Reading this post got me so mad! This is NOT okay what he is doing, period. Like the others have said, you were 19 years old, a teenager!!! The amount a person changes/matures from 19 to 25, and then from 25-30 is astronomical. Besides that your relationship was in a totally different place and people make mistakes! AND he chose to forgive you, he can’t just bring it up years later when he feels like it, you should be very upset at him. This is BS! When you forgive someone, you forgive and let go, you can’t just decide to unforgive randomly later, doesnt work like that. You both said I DO, you’re married now and anything previously, especially 6 long years ago, come on! Something is fishy here. 

So I’m agreeing with detroitwhat….I’m not trying to instigate things, but I would really be wary about this sudden behavior. I honestly think something else is going on here.  Most of the time, when someone is doing something they shouldn’t be in a relationship, they start to think about how the other person could be doing the same thing or have done the same thing without them knowing sometime in the relationship and obsess over it and act out like this. Not saying he is cheating, but might be something to just be aware of.

And I am even on the other side of the fence here, I was the one who got cheated on when we were together previously at a younger stage (age 21) and are now back together at age 28. Our past is the past, period. I feel no need whatsoever to go through his email, facebook, phone records, voicemails, anything. I wouldn’t have gotten back with him if I was going to act like that. And lets not forget here, he read your diary! That is a huge invasion of trust/privacy right there, what he did was untrustworthy in itself and very wrong! Why does everyone only look at cheating as the one single bad thing people can do to break trust? There are many many others. 

I’d ask him, “Where is this coming from? Why did you even feel the need to open my diary?” Because him reading it just tells me he was looking for something that was already on his mind. So, some other issues are going on before this diary was even opened. 

This is not your fault, and what he is doing to you is wrong. You can’t live like this. I would seek some professional help or this is going to tear you apart. 

Good Luck. 



Post # 16
1542 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I can see both sides of the situation. If I found out SO kissed his ex 5 years ago, I would be furious. More furious about the fact he kept it secret! I think above all, it hurts him that you kept it a secret for so long and found out the way he did. Maybe you if told him right after it happened, things would have turned out differently. Although this happened when you were 19, you didn’t say anything for 2 years, and the reason you did is only because he found out on his own…..I’m sure that creates a huge trust concern for him. He probably thinks if you can keep that from him what else can you hide? (hense all the snooping)

I know most of the pp have said he’s doing everything wrong, so this may not be a popular view, but you need to take responsibility for what you did. Kiss someone and then hide it.

I agree with pp’s and would say counselling is your best bet.

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