(Closed) DH ex making me feel uncomfortable

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
3371 posts
Sugar bee

@Strawberry90:  It was a very long time ago and obviously they both realized that they weren’t a good fit. It doesn’t seem like you have anything to worry about. It seems like they really do think of you guys as family. And if Jane has grown up into a responsible adult, one more great female role model for your daughter is wonderful. I get where you’re coming from and it is a very odd circumstance. If you don’t want your daughter to be Jane’s flower girl (which is perfectly within your right) you better speak up sooner rather than later.

Post # 4
51 posts
Worker bee

I suggest you stop seeing her as and calling her DH’s ex. She is no longer DH’s ex. It’s been YEARS. They were children. They are now family friends. Let it go. Don’t cause any unnecessary drama, or you’ll be seen as the crazy jealous wife that can’t get over the past.

Post # 5
7736 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Strawberry90:  If you’ve only met Jane once, why does your Dirty Delete love her so much?

Post # 6
339 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Me and Fiance (a female) live with my ex-husband. Just because we didn’t work out as husband and wife, doesn’t mean we aren’t great friends. Fiance has been around since my youngest daughter was one, so she doesn’t know any different and my oldest was 4, so more than half of her life. It’s weird, but his family considers Fiance family and both mine and her’s feel the same way about ex-husband. 

Post # 7
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@paula1248:  I’m curious about that, too. How can your daughter idolize her if you’ve only met her once and she’s rarely around?

Either way, I would have never been comfortable with this whole situation to begin with. It’s a little too late though. You’re all practically family. 


Post # 10
7736 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Strawberry90:  Kids get these weird attractions. It will pass.

As for the situation, I agree with you that’s it’s a little weird. My husband is also close to the parents of one of his exes (sort of parent figures to him), though we don’t see them much now; and I’ve only met the ex once. We’ve got no reason to meet the ex at the same time. The parents are our friends, the ex (nice girl that she seems to be) is not.

I think you should talk about your feelings to your Darling Husband and explain you’re not comfortable visiting when the ex is there. It doesn’t matter if he think it’s all ok. Your feelings come ahead of his friendship with his ex.

EDIT: And I think it’s fine to decline the flower girl plans. That’s a sure fire way for your daughter to become more attached to Jane. It’s a tension you guys don’t need. And if Jane’s upset that she can’t have her prefered flower girl, well that’s not your problem.

Post # 11
855 posts
Busy bee

I know it’s just a TV show, but what about HIMYM and ‘Aunt Robyn’.

Yes they were engaged – when they were kids. She’s hardly ever around… and she’s marrying someone else. Why is it making you uncomfortable??

Post # 13
8438 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@Strawberry90:  So your H actually likes nd respects his ex? Shouldn’t this give you comfort that he is a good guy and that she is a good person since he likes and respects her?

Would you rather a H that talks smack and disrespects the women from his past?

They are friends, close friends. As teenagers they probably confused friendship for relationship beause society told them that was the appropriate thing.

Let it go.

And kids love people who don’t fall all over them.

Post # 14
987 posts
Busy bee

+1 to all of the above.

I think it’s lovely to have an extended family like that! I understand why you’re uncomfortable, but kids love new people and then forget about them soon after. I doubt she will ever be as close or your daughter will love her so much as you’re afraid of so I wouldn’t worry too much about it. 

Post # 15
530 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

To be honest I would feel uncomfortable in your position too.  I could understand how your daughter calling this woman auntie would be upsetting.  Sometimes I think my own sister gets ‘jealous’ of how close my Niece and I are though she knows how much I love both of them .  I was in a similar situation w my exes parents.  i recently fkind out his father would frequently talk about me to his son, even in front of his gf now wife and would occadsiobally call her by my name.  His mom on the other hand is not my biggest fan since I was ome who ended the relationship.  My ex and I dated like 10 years ago and are now close friends but live 6 hours away so mostly communicate via phone.  I am also friends w his wife.  

My mil still communicates w my husbands exes and sometimes I get jealous.  She has pics if them on her fridge as well as their kids pics so I’ve just learned to deal.  Her friendship w them has nothing to do w DH’s feelings for them . TBH, I just try not to think about it . 

Post # 16
1348 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

We had a similar dynamic to FI’s ex’s parents. Lovely people who were very welcoming and actually protective of me- I remember his ex’s mum yelling at ex’s friend (who I’d never even met) for saying I was a slut, or some such nonsense.. FI’s ex and I tolerated each other at first, until she started spreading rumours about me, and he pretty much hated her (she cheated on him with his brother, and then was rude to me so..). The whole dynamic may have been a little weird, BUT they were like his parents for a long time and were really great people. It sounds like it’s the same situation (except the ex in my story was a cow and we eventually lost touch with her family, except one sister whom I still talk to).

I don’t think the dynamic is really anything to be worried about. I can guarantee that if Fiance and I (god forbid) broke up, he’d still be friends with mum. She’s friends with both my sisters ex’s, who they dated for a few months, and Fiance and I have been together for nearly 6 years. Mum has also said he’s her best friend. I think that it’s normal to stay in touch with an ex’s parents if you were close with them, and especially so if they were around a lot while you were growing up.

As for your kid calling her ‘Auntie Jane’, I definitely see why that bothers you. How old is your daughter? Is it possible she’s overheard someone else call her ‘Auntie Jane’ and is copying them? Kids pretty much like anyone who is nice to them, I would try not to worry about it too much, I’m sure it’ll pass in time.

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