(Closed) DH going on a cruise, without me. Can't help but feel a little hurt..

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 61
Member
9541 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Glad to hear that you seems to be at a better place about this, now. I think having some “you” time is a great way to look at this. A nice bubble bath. Wine. Chick flicks. Ice-cream for dinner…

Personally, I think that the spirit of an anniversary is far more important than the actual date, so I would have no problem celebrating when he returns. Make sure he knows what you expect of him regarding the anniversary – do you want him to plan something? Do you want to exchange gifts? Etc.

I also think that a good discussion about financial goals is in order. It seems that you guys have different financial priorities, which isn’t unusual, at all, but should be discussed. You’ve mentioned that you need things around the house – does he think you need things around the house? I suspect that a new sofa or stove or whatever, may be a higher priority for you than it is for him, which may be why he hasn’t pursued overtime s aggressively for those things. You guys don’t have to have the same priorities, but you do need to understand the other’s priorities so that you can map out a plan that can address both of your priorities.

It also sounds like you guys might benefit from a bit of a redistribution of household responsibilities… Especially given all that you’re doing for your mother.

At the end of the day, it is clear that this is important to him, so I’m glad that he’s going. Especially since he doesn’t get to see his family much, I can completely understand why he would really want to go on this trip with them. But it seems that you may need to be a bit more vocal about what is important to you, so that you guys can work towards those goals as well. If you can do this proactively, then you cane have agreements about how you’re handling money so that you don’t have to come to these sorts of reactive conflicts in the future.

Have fun with your “me” time!

Post # 62
Member
13224 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I’d be tempted to tell him that he’s on his own for meals when he gets home.   You know that grocery money you’ve been scrimping and budgeting for all this time, so the two of you can, you know, EAT?    If his hard earned money can go to him and him  alone, then yours can too. 

Post # 63
Member
219 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

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Supersleuth:  I totally get where you’re coming from but maybe the OP likes it this way? I work longer hours than my fiance, but when we worked the same hours, I did most if not all of the cooking, cleaning, & grocery shopping b/c I liked doing those things! Plus, it wasn’t thankless, my SO is always appreciative & he is always ready to jump in and help 🙂 I switched careers and now own & operate 2 stores so I work a LOOOTTTT lol!! My SO does pretty much EVERYTHING around the house now. He doesn’t mind it, and I’m just as appreciative of what he’s doing, but he doesn’t actually enjoy doing that stuff all the time aside from knowing it’s done & I’ll be able to hang out & relax when I get home! And I still DO like to do that stuff & wish I had the time to do it!! I always jump at the chance to make a big dinner & love to dedicate a day off to cleaning the crap out of the place hahaha but I probably wouldn’t be too keen on it if my SO wasn’t willing to jump in and do whatever needs to be done and thought that I should be doing everything regardless of our schedules. I think it boils down to whether or not the OP’s husband is supporting her and is willing to help or if he is just leaving her to do everything without regard for her schedule and the other stuff she has going on with her mom. I wouldn’t feel right going on this cruise if I were OP’s husband & I don’t think my SO would either. With all the stuff they have going on, it doesn’t seem fair to OP.

Post # 64
Member
910 posts
Busy bee

This site is so frustrating for reading about women who put up with such shitty relationships. I need to look away. 

Post # 65
Member
1263 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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mallorey:  Glad you feel better about it, but dang. When he gets back, you all should have a discussion about distribution of duties. Vast majority of house work, plus cooking, plus job, plus taking care of your mother? If anyone should go on a cruise, it’s you! Your husband is not pulling his weight. Yardwork is a much less frequent thing than any of what you have, plus you’re doing it now anyhow. He is definitely sitting pretty with essentially just having his job to worry about.

Post # 66
Member
19 posts
Newbee

This just makes me really mad. My fiancé would never do this to me! I’m really sorry you’re in this situation. You should tell him how you feel because it’s not an appropriate time for him to go on vacation and leave you behind. Why not save those $1500 on a vacation for the both of you alone??

Post # 67
Member
3208 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Hm, I guess I see things differently than almost all the bees who have commented. I don’t think the OP’s husband is doing anything wrong.

Is he the breadwinner? My guy works more hours than I do, and makes 3x as much, so I handle almost all the household chores, scheduling, and budgeting to give him a break. I don’t consider this an unequal division of labour because he works longer hours than I do, but it’s about equal when chores are added to my work hours. My Fiance has also taken three separate weeks of vacation this year, to three different fun locales, but I’ve only joined him for one of those weeks since I can only take time off during August. Since his job is so much more stressful (and lucrative!) than my job, he needs a break to recharge.

I don’t support a separation of finances, and my Fiance has been supporting my butt for almost 9 years now. Shared finances don’t erase the fact is that if we made equal amounts of money, his standard of living would be higher, and his financial stress would be lower. If maintaining his good spirits until I can find a higher paying job means he takes more vacations than me and gets to dip into our fun money more often than I do, I’m cool with that. 

The OP’s husband handles all the “big expenses,” which I assume means paying the mortgage and car related expenses. The OP handles smaller expenses like utilitie and groceries. The OP’s husband also works double shifts, and has been doing so to pay for this much needed vacation. The circumstances aren’t ideal, but a weeklong cruise with his family may be exactly what he needs to relax, recharge, and return to the daily grind. 

Post # 69
Member
13224 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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mallorey:  Your story goes from bad to worse. I don’t know why you stand for it, frankly. 

Post # 70
Member
3025 posts
Sugar bee

Doesn’t he spend any of ‘his’ fun money on you? Doesn’t he notice how tired you are? What does he do to show his appreciation?

I earn about twice as much as my husband (before tax).  This wasn’t always the case.  Every penny (cent) I earn is for us and non is just for me.

Post # 71
Member
4766 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

you have a roomate not a husband.

Post # 72
Member
910 posts
Busy bee

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mallorey:  wow. Just wow. Marriage is a partnership. You don’t sit back and just let the other person suffer.

So he has watched you scrape by and then worked over time to send HIMSELF on a holiday? Whilst allowing you to pick up the slack at home because of his extra overtime. Winning at life he is. 

You don’t deserve this. A family holiday is also not a family holiday if you aren’t there. You are his family. The most important person in his family. The needs of your family as a unit should always come first. 

Post # 73
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

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mallorey:  Going to be honest. this would not fly in my relationship. My dh earns a lot more than I do but he pays a lot more of the bills. I do all the cooking (although he kindly cooked yesterday, was a complete surprise) but he helps with the washing of dishes and feeding and looking after the dog etc. He also works way longer hours than I do. There are times when he doesn’t help around the house and I get frustrated but he realises it and starts helping out. He plays cricket once a week which costs us money but he also allows me to buy my magazines and take our dog to training etc without complaint. If i like something, usually he will tell me to buy it but I know we cant afford it so I dont but he generally isn’t spending excess money on himself either…

It is not unreasonable to expect him to be supportive and help around the house. I would be seriously considering the money situation and working on a savings account of my own…

Post # 74
Member
718 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I’m just so surprised that there is such a division of finances in your relationship, to the point where you can barely afford to take yourself out for a pedicure. (Just using that as an example because that’s “my thing”) 

Why don’t you have all the money in one place? My Fiance makes 4x what I make, but he sees it as both of our money. We share a bank account, and I deposit my check every week, and he pays all the bills out of it. After the bills, rent, and groceries are paid, the money leftover is for both of us to use at free will. 

I really think there needs to be a new discussion about finances in your relationship, because cruise or not, this isn’t a fair money situation. 

Post # 75
Member
3277 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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morningcoffee:  

We all have our own tolerance levels. Perhaps there are some things that you put up with which other Bees would find unacceptable. 

That said, I agree with your statement when it comes to this particular thread. My husband wouldn’t DARE pull this kind of foolishness with me and I wouldn’t put my family before him on our anniversary. I also would not take a vacation without him but I realize that is a personal preference. 

The topic ‘DH going on a cruise, without me. Can't help but feel a little hurt..’ is closed to new replies.

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