(Closed) DH is a dishes avoiding douche… -_-

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1925 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Argh how frustrating!  We have a rule in our house: Whoever cooks, doesn’t do the dishes.  That’s the other person’s job.  I think that’s the fair way to do it 🙂

Also, right now, my Fiance is out of town… and I’m currently on the Weddingbee to avoid doing dishes!  Lol

Post # 4
Member
3639 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@MrsDPal811:  It’s ok to be upset. But remember that you are just upset over some dirty dishes, this is not the end of the world.

Now yes, it would have been nice for him to wash them, just like it would be nice if you washed his car secretly in the middle of the night, or sent pizza to his office or any of the hundreds of things a couple can do for each other each day, but doesn’t. There will be times when he will and times when he won’t think about it. 

How long have you been living together? Do you have a system worked out for dishes etc? When my Boyfriend or Best Friend cooks, the deal is that he cooks, but I do the dishes (or vice versa). However, I know that other people think that if you made it dirty, you should clean it. Both of these systems can certainly work, but it doesn’t work if one person is on one system and the other person is using the other system.

Put this aside for tonight and tomorrow have a calm discussion about how you want to split up dish duty. 

Post # 5
Member
1659 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Darling Husband never does dishes. I tested him once by not touching the dishes for four days and he just kept piling stuff in the sink. We got into a huge fight. I’m over it now, so I just keep the kitchen clean, but ya…I feel you. It’s not a huge issue for us – he does enough around the house that I refuse to do, so I can do the dishes.

Post # 7
Member
480 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

@Ms.GoodEarth:  I think this is the best solution too.

OR, no dishwashing = no sex Tongue Out

Feeling your frustration OP! Fiance also don’t use his initiative when it comes to doing dishes and cleaning! Grrr! 

Post # 8
Member
10714 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

I make my Darling Husband do the dishes but I think he hates them as much as I do so he only does them if I ask him to. 

We use a lot of paper plates and plastic forks in this house. lol.

Post # 10
Member
2450 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Darling Husband doesn’t do dishes. He finds it gross.

I do all the dishes and he puts them away. He also takes out the garbage.

If I asked him to because I was sick or something, he would do them though. Did you ask him? 

If he lived with room-mates at a point in his adult life, he might just be stuck in that pattern of “you wash your own dishes” and since you dirtied them… they are your dishes.

Post # 11
Member
1992 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

lol oh you poor thing…

I can understand your frustration and definitely cannot see how your Darling Husband would blame the dirty dishes on YOU because you cooked in them to feed them both… its laughable! 

Well at least he did them eventually!

I would have a nice calm talk (maybe tmrw or when you go to bed tonight) about a balance and how a marriage is a life of shared duties and you’re a team.

I like the “one person cooks – the other cleans” idea but that might be too much for him… maybe if you both cooked and both cleaned that would be better as I feel like the cooking is the fun part and the cleaning is the NOT fun part. lol

Post # 12
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2004

We have a rule who ever wants a clean plate to eat off cleans.. LOL jokes..

i just usually do it cause its easier and less frustrating for me to do it.. hubby does other chores.. but i always think a kitchen looks cleaner if the dishes are done and if i had to wait for him it would do my head in.. Off on a different track, hubby always leaves an empty toilet roll thinggy in the bathroom even when he changes the roll. i decided to leave them there and wait and see how long it took him to pick them up.. it got up to TEN!!! i had a winge to my mum about it and she said my dad does it too and it takes more effort to winge about it than it does to just pick it up off the floor and visualise hitting him in the head with it.. lol! but honestly boys really just dont get some things.. perhaphs you should do a job he normally does like mowing and only do one strip of grass thhat you walk on.. and then put it back..  🙂 ha ha anyways boys are dumb sometimes.. but useful too.. sometimes.. lol

Post # 13
Member
9075 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I can’t expect my husband to do dishes because he deploys often, so the dishes, the cooking, the laundry and the cleaning is all on me 100% of the time.

I hate doing dishes as much as the nexr person, but sometimes it’s just easier to sigh and do it yourself, or do it the next morning.

Post # 14
Member
3248 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@MrsDPal811:  This may be a stupid/unhelpful question– but do you have a dishwasher machine? My SO and I used to have problems about dishes because when I cook I make far more dirty dishes than he does, and we didn’t have a dishwasher for the first 1.5 years of us living together. Then we bought a dishwasher, and although we still are messy sometimes, that thing REALLY helps. I definitely suggest getting one if you don’t have one already. We put pots and pans in ours all the time.

That said, this sounds more like a problem of respect, and one person’s work being valued more than the other’s. It sounds to me like he values his job more highly than your job– it just happens that your job is to take care of the home and the children, and his is going out in the world and getting money somehow. They’re equally challenging and tiring, just in different ways, and the rewards are different. I think that @KimmySumShuga: had it right when she suggested having a calm talk about balance and respect in your marriage. I also think that it might be good to outline how each of you can contribute to the home equitably. My SO makes most of the money, and it’s been that way from the beginning until now, and will be for a while because I’m a graduate student, so our agreement is that I do more to take care of the home when I’m here, because he pays for more stuff. For example, I’m the one who cleans the bathroom and the rest of the house most of the time, but we split the dishes. We also split the housecleaning evenly if we are having guests. So– it might really help you guys to discuss how you can split things up, and make sure he knows that you do work hard at home all day.

Post # 15
Member
3357 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

why don’t you just ask? I mean yeah, if he refuses with the lame excuse he gave you in this case, then complain! 😛

Post # 16
Member
2907 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I am totally your Darling Husband when it comes to dishes – and honestly, most other cleaning-related chores. It’s part laziness and procrastination, but also partly because I have different standards for cleanliness than my fiance. Sometimes it’s like I literally just don’t think of cleaning or picking something up. It’s not something to be proud of, but it is the way my brain works.

In our premarital counseling, we talked about this a lot and now that I realize how important it is to Fiance that I am proactive about washing the dishes or not leaving my socks on the floor or cleaning the bathroom sink, I make a real effort to do those things. On his end, he’s learned that it’s okay to ask me to do those things. Before, he would just get mad that I hadn’t loaded the dishwasher in a week, do it himself and then huff about it. Now, he just says, “Honey, can you load the dishes tonight?” and I say, “You got it!” and do it. After I heard him out, it finally clicked for me that doing housework is a way to make him feel loved and cared for, and it clicked for him that I wasn’t just expecting him to do it all or just being straight up lazy, but that I didn’t see dishes in the sink as being a problem in the way that he does – and I got impatient when he complained or acted like a martyr about it instead of just *asking* me for what he needed. We’re still not perfect on this issue, but a serious talk really improved things for both of us. 

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