Post # 1
We are currently “casually” looking at houses. Our plan is to buy by next summer (june 2013) and then once we are settled we would start TTC. This might seem like we are rushing things but I am 35, will turn 36 in March and Darling Husband has concerns about postponing have the bambino’s, ideally we’d like to have 2. (reading between the lines, he thinks my clock is ticking).
The issue is that where we live and where we want to buy in order to make my commute doable the cost of a home is somewhat high. Now we can afford a LOT more house then we are looking at. We do not want to be house poor. We want to maintain a certain lifestyle, if you will. And of course we need to be able to afford the kiddo’s.
I thought things were going good and that we were on the same page, we have scheduled to look at 6 houses this Saturday…but then today my Darling Husband starts FREAKING OUT via email to me all day and starts sending me different houses (that weren’t even on our radar) b/c they are dirt cheap!! I’m talking shacks here people, shacks!!!
I tried to calm him down and then he started sending houses that would add an hour each day to my commute. I told him he was freaking out and that I was scared he wasn’t considering my commute to which he said “I wasn’t freaking out enough”.
He’s got it in his head that we can’t afford a house and kids. Without divulging too much info let me just say that we both have good jobs, we both make a good living, we are saving for retirement via 401k’s and IRA’s…. I mean other people do this ALL THE TIME.
How do I get Darling Husband to calm down!?!? Him stressing out is causing me to stress out… HELP
Post # 3
- Wedding: September 2011 - Boy #1 12/2015, boy #2 02/2018
@sn2bmrsmntgmry: Since you still have some time, my suggestion would be to not mention about the house for a while. Let him calm down and wait to see what he says. By reading your comment, seems like you guys have so much going on, house and TTC, which is all good. Is your Darling Husband more interested in having kids than a house? I didn’t quite got that from what you wrote. If that’s the case, maybe he is more concerned about not being able to handle both things house and kids about the same time. If you feel rushed to have babies, have you considered having one then getting the house?
I know, this might not sound like a very good advice. Talk to him and try to understand his concerns. Hope all turns out well for you.
Post # 4
I would start tracking your expenses, figure out how much you need for kids, write it down on paper so he can see it.
Don’t forget that often the cheaper houses need more repairs, not just paint but electric, plumbing, etc.
Post # 5
Thanks for responding!
@candy11: we won’t be TTC until middle to late next year, the issue seems to be that he is now thinking it’s got to be one OR the other, house OR kids. And I’m not willing to give up either one. I don’t really think he is either, he is just freaking out about all the expenses we will be incurring by moving forward with buying a house and then having kids. And I totally understand where he’s coming from b/c it WILL obviously be a huge life change.. no more shopping on amazon or etsy for me! LOL My feeling is that “everyone else does it, so we should be able to too”….
@kerensa: great idea! and we actually started doing this last month with our financial planner. I believe the “issue” with this is that Darling Husband has a LOT of expendable income but he doesn’t necessarily want to give it all up…. and neither do I, hence why we are looking for a house that is “lesser” than what we technically can afford.
Post # 6
Once he starts looking he’ll probably start feeling different. Also talking to a lender might help so you have an idea of payments. Maybe set up a budget that you would have if you bought at the price you’re thinking so he can see you’ll be ok. But you can tell him my husband is freaking out enough for everyone on this board buying a house. I swear it’s exhausting and makes me feel stressed. I think he wishes I would stress more, but one of us has to be sane. And we’ve already got a contract on a house we’re building.
Post # 7
When we first started looking, Darling Husband was back and forth about how much money we should spend/how much house we should get. He also freaked out a little bit about how we were going to afford it (even though like in your case, there was really no reason to worry).
I agree with the PP who said write it all out–make a monthly budget and see how a house payment would fit in. It’s a good idea to talk to a lender about what you can afford and what you’d pay per month with current interest rates. It was important to us that we could theoretically afford the payment on just one income in the case that either of us ever lost our jobs.
We ended up spending about $25,000 more than we initially thought (still way below our preapproval) but with current interest rates, our monthly payment will be the same as our friends who bought a house $25,000 less expensive a few years back–it is a good time to buy! That said, buying a house is one of the biggest expenses/debts you’ll ever take on and it’s normal to freak out a bit, but hopefully once he sees it laid out on paper it will be more clear that you may not have to drastically change your lifestyles to buy a house.
Post # 8
@MrsConnick: I’m sooo thankful that I am not the only one dealing with this situation… good luck with your house/contract!!
@MM423: we are in the same boat as you, we want to assure that if either one of us lost our job we’d still be able to afford it. as far as talking to a lender.. well that’s when all of this started, my Darling Husband works for a lender and he was talking to one of his friends at work who was telling Darling Husband about ALL the expenses that go into buying a house and other things (I’m not 100% what) but anyway this is what made him freak out.
I honestly think maybe just taking a step back for a few days will help the situation. Hopefully! Thanks so much for the advice, I feel 100 times better knowing it’s not just me who this has happened to. 😉
Post # 9
@sn2bmrsmntgmry: We bought a house well below our means, and it was a good decision. Its so nice to know that if something happens (like basement flooding, etc) we can afford to just fix it.
Post # 10
Is he a numbers guy? I’m a numbers girl. I needed to see our income, projected cost of living raises, debt payments, average daycare costs for the area, taxes, insurance, other bills, and THEN the ranges for the mortgage payments on homes in areas we would consider, and then compare THAT to the cost of renting, and the average rental price increase over the next 10 years or so factored in.
Maybe he just needs some hard facts instead of a “people do this all the time, it’ll be fine”. I know telling me everything will be ok without providing any evidence to that fact just pisses me off.
Post # 11
My Darling Husband has done this too. We talked around a budget, looked at some houses, upped the budget, looked at a few more (casually), then he’ll freak out about costs and suggest moving to Kansas where my brother is buying a 3 bed/3 bath home for 161K. Then a few days later he suggests something out of our budget range. He too thinks we can’t afford kids+a house sometimes. Crunching the numbers defintely will help. And try not to stress if he’s freaking out (but really does agree to a budget). And – maybe you need to figure out how to have a lower budget, such as by having a smaller house you can put an addition onto later (when he feels more finally secure). It’s tough! It’s a biiig purchase. Also, perhaps remind him that it’s a purchase yes, but also an investment – he can sell it later and move into a smaller house in retirement.