(Closed) DH is on his way to an emotional affair…again.

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
1230 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@sofialovesmikey:  You should not have to go through this once, let alone 3 times. It is so easy for us here to say that you should just leave him. But it is also hard to watch people make the same mistakes. I personally don’t think he will change 🙁 If it were me, I would be gone. I love my Fiance so much but I would have to let him go and see what happens. Good luck… wishing you the best.

Post # 18
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I wouldn’t say anything until I found all the cell bills and had copies made in hand.  I’d also want to double check banking records.  Once I had the cell bill (does it keep track of txts?) I’d confront him with the hard facts, the bills, and the way he has been treating you.  

I would then get an appointment for you for individual counseling. Someone that specializes in this sort of thing.  E/A’s are AFFAIRS.  He’s cheated on you in the past and he’s doing it again. What would your steps be if the relationships were not just emotional but physical?   

I’d gather up all the information you need now, before he destroys it.  

Post # 19
Member
522 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

First, I think you need to tell him that you know he’s been talking to this ex and hiding it from you; you know he wants to go visit his parents this weekend because she’s going to be there; you know he’s been lying when he says he’s talking to a “buddy” and he’s really talking to her; and you’re very hurt and upset that he took advantage of your trust.

Second, you need to see a counselor.  Marriage counseling with both of you together would be ideal, but if he won’t go with you, you need to go alone.  I’m not going to say, “You must leave him immediately!” BUT a therapist will help you sort through your feelings — why did you end up trusting this man again, why are you committed to making your marriage work, what behavior are you willing to tolerate in a marriage, what are your expectations for the future of your relationship, what are you willing to make it work, what do you expect of a partner, etc.  There is a LOT that you can work out on your own without your husband present.

Third, if he refuses counseling, tries to say this is all in your head and nothing was going on, or otherwise minimizes or ignores the situation, you should seriously consider separation.  Sometimes people need distance from a situation to get perspective.

You’d get no judgment from me if you decided to get a divorce.  This situation more than warrants it, in my opinion.  But if you want to try to save your marriage, I think you’re going to need professional help, asap.  Good luck.

Post # 20
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Just for the sake that I don’t think you’ll divorce this guy, how about an alternative.

Tell him that you’re not comfortable with him being FB friends or internet buddies with her anymore and that you’d like him to respect you and delete her from his “friends” list.  Is there any real reason for him to be friends with her?  And don’t let him turn it back around on you.  You obviously know what he’s been up to, but I wouldn’t bring that to light right away because he’ll only get more sneaky in his ways.

Post # 21
Member
1603 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

The biggest red flag to me (out of many) is that, despite knowing that he has a problem with this sort of behaviour and whatever emotions still might be at play, he picked his ex. I could be convinced that this was innocent, or at least could be worked on, if it was a new person–a coworker, a new friend, etc–but the fact that he’s taking the risk with his ex is unbelievable.

I’m sorry, OP. I just don’t see this getting better.

Post # 22
Member
7105 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I don’t see this king of behavior as something that will ever change. Personally, it would not be a relationship I would continue. I would confront him, let him know you know everything he’s been up to, and then I’d be seeking a divorce. Three strikes, you’re out. I would not be interested in pursuing a counseling scenerio, becuase I would honestly have no faith that he would change – I would forever be looking over my shoulder and snooping. That is not a life to live!

Post # 23
Member
38 posts
Newbee

i don’t see why, if he’s betraying trust like he is, you don’t feel like it’s right to tell him that you looked at his messages.  Actions have consequences.  You knew something was up, so you checked up.  He’s giving his intimacy away and wrecking trust. 

I’m perplexed as to why you didn’t have a discussion with him the first time you knew he was talking with his ex instead of letting it go on and on.  It happened before.  It’s not like you have to break the ice to the conversation.

Post # 24
Member
2188 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2024

@Bribaby119:  Wow I don’t see his behavior changing and I think you need to ask him to leave. He is cheating on you, even if it’s not physical. I was involved in something like this with my SO awhile ago and I flat out told him he is to have no contact with this woman, he deleted her from facebook, deleted her phone number and doesn’t talk to her ever and that his behavior was crossing a line and I wouldn’t tolerate it. I told him if it happened again I’d leave him. I’m not proud of it but I do sneak peeks at his phone when it goes off and he looks at it and I haven’t in over a year seen anything bad so I think that me saying I would leave was the wakeup call he needed and we are in a much better place now.

I don’t see your husband changing and I think he loves you, but he loves the chase/flirting more and you deserve better.

 

Post # 25
Member
3941 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Tough love:  You shouldn’t have married this guy.  He was a deceitful, lying jack ass before you married him and I’m not surprised that hasn’t changed.

You don’t trust him and you shouldn’t trust him.  Without trust, you have nothing.

Please get out of this and not think about it twice.  You’re better than this.

Post # 26
Member
84 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I’m sorry this is happening, but I would have run for the hills after the second incident. That old saying, “fool me one, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me”. Sadly, at this point you need to confront him about it. And let him know that if it continues, divorce is definitely an option.

Post # 27
Member
199 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@Bazinga:  I think you meant that toward the OP. Totally agree though. He likes the chase more.

Post # 28
Member
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

@sailor_girl: Re – Reply # 18

100% THIS

You have done nothing wrong (NO Flaming from me) … you came across his activity accidently after your very WISE Womanly Intuition kicked in based on his past history under similar circumstances:

So, here we are 3 months after our wedding.  We should be in married bliss.  He has recently been acting somewhat distant and doesn’t seem to have any input or interests in our conversations.  When using our laptop I saw I had a facebook message.  When I clicked, I realized Darling Husband was actually logged in, and the message was from his Ex who he has always been hung up on.  This piqued my interest and frankly, terrified me because we’re married now.  And so, (here comes the flaming) for the last month I’ve been randomly checking his messages.  She is in a failing marriage and hates her husband.  She and Darling Husband speak daily and she sends photos of her kids to him.  Nothing in appropriate, but I know how crazy he has always been about her and how he had ended up before.  He also will delete the conversation history multiple times a day, so there’s no proof of it.  He has never deleted a message before, and his facebook message history goes back to 2008. 

YES… these on-line hook ups are Emotional Cheating / Affairs, especially so when he is so tapped out from them that they effect the Relationship / Marriage that the two of you share…

And don’t even get me started on the Selfies (more so the soft porn ones).

NONE of this belongs in a Healthy Relationship / Marriage.

Your guy KNOWS this… and hence WHY he is ashamed / hiding his behavior / covering his tracks.

Would Counselling help ???

Hard to know… it is an Addiction, he’d have to be committed to change.  And well, having been married to an Addict previously (Alcohol), I can tell you that it isn’t possible for all Addicts to change.

You’ve been more than kind… giving him 3 chances.  And in my book 3 IS ENOUGH… he’s struck out now.

Give him any more, and you are literally ENABLING this behaviour.

Leaving an Addict is hard, especially when all you wish in the world is for them to WAKE UP & CHANGE… cause you LOVE them so

But in truth, they love their addiction more than they love you.  A hard thing to come to terms with.  (sorry)

You will never be happy with him, as long as he is an addict.  He has to WANT to change for himself.

No matter what happens, I suggest that YOU START BY GETTING SOME COUNSELLING FOR YOU…

You need to understand that you are an AMAZING WOMAN… his Addiction (even be it chatting with other women)… has NOTHING to do with you… IT IS NOT A JUDGEMENT ON YOU…  that you are NOT ENOUGH, UNWORTHY, or any other bad thoughts that might be drifting into your head (I say this cause I know how this all works… when we cannot FIX THEM… we turn to self blame)

Hope this helps somewhat  ((( HUGS )))


Post # 29
Member
3860 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

@sofialovesmikey:  I’m so sorry OP, but i think you need to discuss this ASAP! you need to decide what behavior you are willing to tolerate and tell him that. If he can’t behave like the husband you need him to be, he has no place being your husband. If you’re not ready to throw in the towel just yet, try marriage counselling, but honestly if it was me I’d have his bags packed by the time he got home. This happened with me and Fiance years ago, I found out, said I wouldnt tolerate that. He ended it but it still took a really long time for me to trust him again. If he was to do it a second time I would have left, no questions asked. I’m sorry you dont feel like you deserve better than you’re getting, but you DO! Please know that you are allowed to ask your husband to be the man you need him to be, and you are allowed to expect him to step up and do it.

Post # 31
Member
11744 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@sofialovesmikey:  He’s never going to change. I’d leave because honestly, you never should have married him in the first place.  It’s not bad judgement on his part, it’s complete disregard and lack of respect for you. That’s not how someone that loves you behaves.

Subtle hints is not a mature way to go about this. 

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