(Closed) DH is on his way to an emotional affair…again.

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
9681 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@sofialovesmikey:  Being married to someone doesn’t mean you are sentenced for life if the relationship is entirely one sided. I wouldn’t have forgiven him the first or second time let alone the third time. People will do what you let them get away with. 

He can be as hot as “insert name of whoever people obsess over” but that doesn’t make him innocent. He needs to remove himself from situations like that and shut them down. Even being a passive participant is not okay. 

The rest of your life is a long time and only you know what you can deal with. If you want to be with a man you can never trust, a man who privileges what he and others want over you, and a man who’s cell phone messages cause you to feel sick, then that’s your choice. No one can tell you otherwise. 

I hope you demand better for yourself and confront him, leave him, or do something.

Post # 33
2188 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2024

@Bribaby119:i did mean it for the OP ! Sorry I accidentally put your name!

Post # 34
231 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Lubeznik Center for the Arts

I would confront him about it and assess his desire or ability to change. Is he willing to do counseling? Is he willing to work with you on this issue, possibly even giving up his cell phone for awhile or giving up the computer? If he is unwilling to stop this behavior or seek counseling, you may have to leave; I would move out for a couple weeks, then try to come back and talk one more time. Then I would probably start divorce proceedings; but that’s just ME. 

Post # 35
1603 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@sofialovesmikey:  I’m really, really sorry you’re going through this. 

I guess how I feel is summed up in this cliche but true saying:

Fool me once, shame on you.. Fool me twice.. You know the rest. 

Post # 36
1896 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@sofialovesmikey:  He obviously feels that with you ‘on the side’ always forgiving him that it’s alright.  He gets to have his fun and all he has to do is say a few ‘I’m sorry’. I seriously doubt his behavior is going to change esp. with you always around to forgive him.  You deserve way better than this!

Post # 37
340 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@sofialovesmikey:  So sorry you are hurting right now OP

Thing is,while you have been thinking that you worked through this before….he has not worked through anything,even with therapy. Once is bad enough,twice is just downright disgusting of him.But now number three just months after you got married?Wow he really is a POS

But at what point do you say to yourself ‘enough is enough’? I truly hope you have the wisdom to realise that he is not going to change.

I would normally advise therapy but he’s already done that and clearly he did not change,well maybe for a short time but marriage is for the long haul,not short periods of controlling himself.  Being ‘sorry’ was clearly only momentarily also.

You said you cant leave and that you are married for a reason.I should imagine one reason you married him is because you figured he wasnt going to do this again.He has though

Please at least take a few days away from him with friends or family and get some space and perspective on this

He is not changing so what you need to really think about is whether you can handle a lifetime like this because in reality i think thats what you are facing

sorry OP

Post # 38
486 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@sofialovesmikey:  I’m so sorry 🙁


Is there anything he can say that would be good enough, though? When you two have this conversation, is there a single thing he can say or do that would make it better between you two?

Post # 40
892 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Ahhh…I am sorry you are going through this.

I agree with most of the PP though. It doesn’t appear that he has it in him to change. I would, as hard and painful as it is going to be, get out of this relationship before it becomes more complicated. It’s much easier to sign divorce papers than try and win a custody battle.

Personally, after the second time I would have been gone. The first time is always confusing and you don’t know what to do but after the second time it’s just done. Now he is doing it while you are married? That crosses a biiiig long line.

You do need to tell him that you know he has been talking to his ex. I don’t know why it’s such a taboo to not go through your SO’s emails and whatnot. My Fiance and I do it all the time because we aren’t hiding anything. Fiance gets bored with his facebook so he goes on mine and sometimes I check his texts just because I’m curious who he is texting. It’s no big deal for us. It appears that it is for you two, but in your case, you have a huge reason to go through his stuff – he has done done it to you in the past and is still doing it! He may try to blame you but this is in no way, shape, or form your fault! You had every right to go through his messages. He can’t be trusted!

*hugs* be strong. That’s all you can do right now is be strong. (and if before that you need to cry all night into a bottle of wine, 3 bags of M&M’s, and a horrible 90’s rom-com – then so be it! Let the hive know…we will watch it with you <3)

Post # 42
1105 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@sofialovesmikey:  First, let me say how sorry I am that you’re going through this. It’s an awful situation to be in. When it comes down to it, you probably shouldnt have been with someone so emotionally attached to their ex, that right there is a red flag. No matter what, there is no good excuse to not leave him at this point. Hell, tell him to get out of your house (if you can afford it, and it works best for you). In my honest opinion, he is NEVER going to stop. I dated a guy similar to this, he would do dumb shit like spell the girls name backwards like I was some kind of dumbass. I only found out when she messaged him and the trusty iphone popped up with the message. Ever since that day he locked his phone, and everything else. When that happens, you cant trust a guy. Thats exactly what he’s doing to you (deleting messaging history). You deserve better than this. This guy didnt even deserve to marry you. 

Post # 43
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@mchitt329:  A thousand times Yes.

I am sorry OP. This is just terrible. I know you wrote this long story about what has been happening, but if you would just read this tout loud to yourself and highlight everything wrong with this man I think that is enough to throw in the towel and find yourself a new happier life. How much longer do you need to “sneek” through his messages, wonder what he is doing 24/7? You must be exhausted!

Imagine this was your future child writing this sad tale. What would you tell her and what advise would you give? You are worth more than this I promise!

Post # 44
323 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@sofialovesmikey:  I’m sorry for your pain, but I’m having a hard time understanding why you’ve been putting up with this for three years. He’s not going to change, honey. 

Post # 45
1228 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

You haven’t done anything wrong by checking his facebook messages.  Privacy is for people you can trust.  This is so hard- if you tell him you’ve seen the messages, is he going to beg for your forgiveness and go back to counselling and delete his facebook profile and switch his cell phone for a landline? Even if he does everything he possibly can, will it be enough? Everybody here agrees he’s done a terrible thing, but only you know if enough is enough…

Post # 46
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@sofialovesmikey:  Oh honey…ugh…this breaks my heart. Okay I am not going to preach to you about how you let it go to three times to be fed up and “the signs” and everything else. I can’t, because I was in your exact shoes. You love this man, and when you love someone and they repeatedly apologize like that…they have an answer for everything…it’s just so hard to just cut ties and walk away. You WANT to believe them, and they make it easy to be blinded. I get that. In my situation, too, I had terrible self esteem and it was difficult for me to believe that someone could love me and connect with me again like he did.


I will only tell you what I had to learn the hard way: you have to know your worth, and accept what you cannot change. You are a wonderful woman. This situation alone shows me that your ability to love, forgive, and dedicate yourself to another person makes you deserving of a wonderful, wonderful man. He does not see your worth, he does not respect you, and you are the only one fighting for this relationship.


Stop fighting, just let go, and know that someone greater than you has better things in store for you. Had I know God had my husband planned for me, my ex would have had his ass kicked to the curb 6 months into our 4 1/2 year relationship ;). Hang in there sweetheart.


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