(Closed) DH is on his way to an emotional affair…again.

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 47
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

It sounds to me like he’s more committed to his ex at this point than he is to you. If it were me, I’d pack up his bags while he’s on this visit to his “parents” and have them sitting by the curb when he got back with the divorce papers on top. I’d change the locks and never look back. Get out now before you have children with him to make things even more complicated. Otherwise, you’re going to continue to accept his apologies, try to move on, and have this happen again and again. I’m really sorry. That’s a tough situation to be in and its easy for others to sit back and give advice. You’ve got a hard decision to make. 

What advice would you give a friend in this same situation? Would you encourage her to stay knowing that chances are she’s going to continually be hurt by the man who is supposed to love her and cherish her?

Post # 48
Member
83 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

He has shown you his character. This behavior will continue.

Post # 49
Member
6524 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

@sofialovesmikey:  I am sorry but I don’t know why you married him in the first place. I am a firm believer in “once a cheater, always a cheater”…its not something i can forgive. 

I think emotional chesting is worse than sexual because sex csn be just sex. But when there are emotions involved, there is that special connection. A connection he should only have with you.

I am not sure what your thoughts are, are you planning on going to therapy? I mean it seems as though he cant give this up. I know its hard for you to hear, but I would leave. I couldnt go on loving someone who thinks of me as second best

Post # 50
Hostess
7553 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

I’m sorry you’re going through this. You’ve worked for your relationship and given it a shot by going to therapy. Still, he hasn’t changed. I would leave him. 

Post # 51
Member
2783 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Why are you with this guy? You never once say you love him (not that i would at this point), just that you stayed because it was basically easier than leaving. You don’t trust him. Neither of you is respecting the other (especially him), or your marriage. At this point what you have is essentially the shell of a marriage, and he has shown he isn’t interested in doing the work, or making the sacrifices required to fix things. You deserve more than to have to spend the rest of your life rifling through his stuff. Leave.

Post # 52
Member
2598 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@sofialovesmikey:  Sweetie, you won’t get any flames from me for reading his messages. Given your history with this man, I dont blame you one bit. 

 

You say you won’t leave, so then, what is it you want? I’m going to be blunt, your husband is an untrustworthy, selfish liar who is absolutely emotionally cheating on you for the third time three months into your marriage.   In my opinion, it’s only a matter of time until he physically cheats as well. Even if this is all he ever does, it’s still a violation of your marriage and trust. 

 

Understand that if you choose not to leave, you choose to accept this behavior from him. Sure, you all can fight and talk and get professional help but if he has no intention of stopping this behavior – and it appears he doesn’t – why bother? 

 

You dont deserve to have to worry what he’s up too every time he looks at his phone. If he can pull this shit with you when you should still be on your honeymoon, what do you think he’ll do when life gets rough years in? Do you plan on having kids? What do you think will happen when you need to focus all your time and attention elsewhere? How will you feel if you spend years with him pulling this only to have him dump you for his sideline girlfriend of the moment?

 

I don’t know your husband but I don’t believe for one second he didnt know what he was doing the first time. Don’t  let him sell you that crock is shit about “just friends” again. He absolutely knows what he’s doing this time.

 

Ask yourself this – is your husband a man of good character? I dont mean is he nice or polite or charming. I mean, does he do the right thing when no one is looking? Does he lie or cheat to get what he wants if he thinks he can get away with it? Is he selfish? Does he put others first? Or does he spent a lot of time rationalizing how he’s not really doing anything wrong? Be brutally honest – in your gut you know the answer. If he’s not a man of good character, then know he will only ever be a good husband to you when it benefits him. The moment it doesn’t, the moment you need him to sacrifice for you he will let you down, hard. 

 

Honestly, I think you should pack your bags, wait for him to get home from work, tell him you know everything and that you’re done with his sorry, cheating, pathetic, lying ass and go.  

 

I’m very sorry you’re going through this. 

 

Post # 53
Member
7369 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@blushpinkbride:  are you really surprised he’s doing it again? Either decide to accept it or get a divorce, but give up the charade.

+100 OP made excuses to not leave before she married him. You can’t change another person, you’re only in control of how you choose to react. First time you can claim victim status, but after repeat offender has shown they aren’t changing, you a full on participant.

Post # 54
Member
4430 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

He won’t change.  Being with someone shouldn’t be this hard.  Sorry to say but id rather put my energy in moving and a divorce than “fixing” it at this point. 

Post # 55
Member
11115 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

@BellaDee:  

Exactly.  Relationships shouldn’t be this hard.

I’d be outta there.  And I agree with the suggestion that you get counseling for yourself.  It’s important for you to find out why you would subject yourself to all of this.

This guy is a full time job for you.  What percentage of your mental energy gets used up thinking about HIM?

Post # 57
Member
662 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

This guy is abusing your trust and your love. Do you really want to spend your life with an abusive man?

Post # 58
Member
51 posts
Worker bee

First, I’m sorry you are going through this. The part that struck me was, “we married for a reason.” it sounds to me like YOU married for a reason, but he went along with it. He is not in love with you. You need to divorce before you waste more precious time on this man and get further entangled. You deserve better!

Post # 59
Member
537 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Tough love coming your way: you only have two options: divorce him or accept that you’re going to be constantly cheated on. Simple as that.

This is not an issue with you or your marriage, and no amount of counseling is going to fix this. This man is completely screwed up, and he’s shown you this repeatedly. This man does not love you or respect you, and for the life of me, I can’t understand why you’d keep fighting for a relationship that he clearly does not want to be in.

Sorry, but it was too much “work” to leave him? Do you really value yourself so little that you’d rather stay in a dysfunctional, degrading relationship than hire movers..? Obviously things only got more complicated since you actually married him, but hopefully you’ve learned a lesson and will leave before it gets even more complicated with kids, mortgage, etc.

Good luck OP, you deserve so, so much better than this.

Post # 60
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

He sounds EXACTLY like not one, but TWO of my exes. The problem that I came to realize was them for being cheating jackasses but also ME for choosing a partner who it’s obvious can’t be trusted. One of them I married, after he got a skank coworker of mine pregnant. Guess what? He continued to cheat and when our little boy was less than 2 years old, he had another skank pregnant. I was outta there but boy did it take a lot!

I guess I didn’t feel like I was worth anything or worthy of someone treating me right. I put up with a lot, for a long time and it seemed every partner I chose was wrong in one way or another until I finally grew up and realized that my choices led to the issues. You cannot paint a horse with stripes and call it a zebra, and you can’t be with a known cheater and call him a good husband.

My heart aches for you. My advice is to get out, and do YOU. Figure out how amazing you are and how much you deserve someone amazing then don’t choose another loser. It sounds simple, it’s not. But you can do it!

Big huge hugs!

Post # 61
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I agree with @sara_tiara– I was waiting for you to say why you didn’t want to leave him, how you love him so much, etc, and it never came. The other ladies are suggesting divorce, and I disagree– I’d talk to a lawyer ASAP and see if an annulment is possible. 

 

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