(Closed) DH is on his way to an emotional affair…again.

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 62
Member
3025 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

He’s an addict. Sadly, no matter what he says and promises, his actions are about himself, and will continue to be about himself. You are a distant second to his addiction and always will be.

I am sorry to say that I don’t see much hope here. Three times is definitely more than enough evidence. Cut your losses and leave.

Post # 63
Member
1065 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@sofialovesmikey:  Why the hell are you with this guy? He sounds like an immature asshole who takes no responsibility for the pain he causes others. He was online dating people while dating you and jerking off to their photos. Now he’s talking to an ex who is going through a break up!! What will happen if he leaves you for her?? Kick that motherfucker to the curb. Being alone and struggling is a 1000X better than what’s happening to you now!

EDIT: “That his lack of conversation with me feels a lot like maybe he is talking to someone else frequently and at the end of the day, doesn’t have anything left to say to me.” HE IS YOUR HUSBAND. The POINT of having a husband is to have someone to talk to and support you at the end of the day. Right now you are his ROOMMATE, not his wife.

And to PPs, he is NOT an addict. Cheating on your wife because she keeps taking you back is not an addiction. Notice he started this behavior once he wasn’t under the microscope anymore!

Post # 64
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@sofialovesmikey:  I didn’t read all of this, bc 1) after the “…again” on the title, 2) reading about the suicide girl and craY girl…

he clearly is looking for more… And no matter how much you give him, he seems like he will always never be satisfied! It’s time to leave. How do you honestly know that this is all just “emotional” Cheating? I’m sorry OP but he’s gotta go!

Post # 65
Member
1326 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@KateByDesign:  Yes, I agree 100%. You made a big mistake marrying this guy. He showed you who he was long before you were married. You didn’t like who he was then, yet you married him anyway. The sooner you recognize your part in allowing someone like that in your life, the sooner you’ll reach peace with the situation. Been there! Easier said than done, I know. HUGE HUGS.

You will continue to beat your head against the wall trying to make him the husband you want him to be or you can start focusing on yourself and what you can control to make yourself happy. 

I would begin by stopping all the sleuthing and collecting information. You know who he is, you know what he is capable of and you know what he is doing. He knows you are doing it, too. It sounds like he gets some sort of satisfaction out of knowing you do this, like you’ll drive yourself crazy to keep him. EFF THAT. Do NOT give that to him. You have all the information you need to make some choices for yourself to live your best life. You are only going to hurt yourself more if you continue to spy, sleuth and let him have such power over you. Just stop. Today. It will be very hard, but make that commitment to yourself, please.

You cannot control another person’s actions, no matter what. He is presumably a marginally intelligent person, right? He knows what he is doing hurts you. You tell him so, too. He does it anyway. There are no other details you need to know. This is coming from someone who is not opposed to checking up on a partner if you feel the need, so keep this in mind!

I agree with the others that have said to begin seeing a counselor alone immediately. It is intensely difficult to put perspective on situations in which you are deeply involved. 

 

Post # 66
Member
4697 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I don’t think relationships can thrive without trust, once trust is broken its impossible to get back (in my opinion). 

I think you need to evaluate why you’re putting yourself through this.. over and over again. You can’t change people and you shouldn’t be sacrificing your well being to try. 

 

Post # 67
Member
522 posts
Busy bee

@solidarity:  +1

I would leave if it were me. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life wondering about whether he is straying?

Everytime he pulls away from you and begins to act distant you know what your first thought will be. Is it worth that for the rest of your life? I can’t imagine any man who would be worth that turmoil.

Post # 68
Member
7430 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

I don’t see how your relationship could possibly survive long term if you’re only 3 months in and he’s already behaving this way. It shouldn’t be shocking considering he behaved like this before you got married. Time to go.

Post # 69
Member
3229 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I think it’s time you considered a divorce.

Post # 70
Member
517 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

If I were you I would walk away, even if it’s only for a few days or weeks. Make a statement by SHOWING him that you will NOT stand for disrespect, he is trying to find ways to see this woman right in front of your face practically and talking to her all day. He is highly disrespectful. I would pack some of my things and personally I wouldn’t even say anything,

 

I’d just let him figure out and observe his reaction to me leaving. You can spend a few nights in a local hotel, and if he shows true concern then I would begin to start letting him know that I mean serious business and willing to walk away permantely if he continues. This should not be a constant issue, he already knows how you feel, he knows he’s married and he knows how to have proper decorum in a relationship. At this point he’s just taking you for granted, some men just don’t get it until they actually think they’re seriously going to lose you.

Personally I’d not only leave as I stated, I’d be signing those divorce papers. If he shows hurt over it, even better. I do not stand for blatantly callous disrespect.

 

Post # 71
Member
11268 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@sofialovesmikey:  i’m so sorry.  honestly, there is nothing you can do to change him so you either live with it or leave him.  it’s not going to be easy either way but at least if you leave him, you know that there will be a finish line.  if you stay, you put up with his behaviour forever.

he went to therapy but if he is still doing this, he obviously does not want to give it up.  he needs to take hard steps to show you that he is done.  shut down all media sites, block phone numbers, etc. 

keep in mind, you nor anyone else cannot be the one to tell him this.  he has to be the one to recognize that he is hurting you and he needs to take the efforts to change it.

good luck with your decision.

Post # 72
Member
581 posts
Busy bee

 

I’m sorry OP, this really sucks.

As I see it you have three options.

1) Accept that you married a cheating SOB and live with it.

2) Accept that you married a cheating SOB. (Or perhaps a man who is incapable or unwilling to be monogamous despite marrying you.) You could discuss the merits of opening your relationship with him and see what he says.

Or my personal favourite, #3

3) Accept that you married a cheating SOB and divorce his ass.

You are not getting the love and respect that you deserve.

@sofialovesmikey:  

Post # 73
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

This  just breaks my heart. I write this with sympathy but this is not a marriage. This man does not respect you, and it’s not your fault. He is the one in the wrong. I hope you are able to find some confort from friends and family. You do whatever you need to do, but if it were me… I would just accept that this was not a marriage nto begin with and walk away. 🙁

Post # 74
Member
9134 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@sofialovesmikey:  He doesn’t see anything wrong with what he’s doing so he’s not going to stop. You can choose to put up with it until he goes too far and physically cheats on you or you can take control of the situation and leave his cheating A$$. I know leaving is a tough decision to make but he’s not going to change something he doesn’t thing is a problem. And it is definitely a problem if he is with holding love, attention, or sex from you because he is being fulfilled by this emotional affair.

Post # 75
Member
560 posts
Busy bee

If this was the first time, I could see working through it…but THREE times? Every time promising to change and showing you such disrespect and doing it again.

The girl he “loved” is in a failing marriage? So what happens when she is divorced and they can be together? Sounds to me like you will get thrown to the curb and at that point you will have a lot more invested.

I hate to hear of girls being taken advantage of, and I too have been that girl before. Trust me-telling the guy off once and for all and not letting him come back into your life is the most amazing feeling. Take control and find a man who loves YOU, not talking to any other woman who gives him the time of day!

Post # 76
Member
208 posts
Helper bee

@sofialovesmikey:  You need to explicity say to him “I know you are talking to other women again and you need to stop or I am leaving you.”

I say this as someone who was in an emotional affair.  That said, we never sent pictures or spoke in a sexual manner with each other AT ALL, but we were relatively emotionally dependant on each other for a few months.

My SO said “You need to stop talking to him or I will leave you.”

I never got involved with anyone like that again.

It was just “good fun” and I never felt like I was in love with the other man I was talking to, just fun.  But I realized that I needed to take alllllll of that extra time and energy I was wasting on him, and use it to strengthen my relationship with my partner.

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