(Closed) DH is on his way to an emotional affair…again.

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 77
Member
2863 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Update?

Post # 78
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Okay, please don’t hate me.We all tend to jump to crisis mode. I think there is another option here.

 

If I were your husband, I wouldn’t want to tell you I was talking to an ex either. He knows you are gonig to jump off the deep end, even if he isn’t emotionally involved beyond a friendship. You have had HUGE reactions in the past so he can’t trust you to be ‘normal’ either. Trust was lost in both directions and you are also still not acting in a way that he should trust you either. All I’m saying is that you are being trustworthy either adn that he has a valid reason to keep this from you.You indicate that you haven’t seen anything inappropriate. Trust that! He’s allowed to have friends and should have friends without it being an issue.

 

What is concerning for me is that he is seeming to neglect you. I’d focus on that, regardless of who else he speaks with. The issue is not that he is doing it, but that he is keeping it a secret. Have you set some values for you rrelationship? Start with that and a conversation about what type of marriage he wants.

 

I actually thing you are over reacting here and that the messages are going to make this more charged than it needs to me. What he did in the past was wrong. But you don’t know that he is doign that now. What we do know is that you are snooping, which is only hurting you.

Post # 79
Member
3061 posts
Sugar bee

@sofialovesmikey:  There is nothing I can say that has not already been said. We can all say what we would do if it was us…but we are not you, and our SO’s are not yours. Our relationships are not the same. We will never fully understand what you feel and the reasons you want to make this marriage work. Only you can.

We can offer our sincerest apologies and support for whatever you choose. That being said, I think you are right when you said he didn’t do any of this to hurt you…the first time.

The fact that this is the 3rd time tells me he will never stop. He doesn’t do it to disrepect you, but he also doesn’t NOT do it to respect you. He knows what he is doing is wrong and he IS CHOOSING HER OVER YOU. I can’t imagine what that feels like – i am so sorry!

My advice is to tell him you know what has been going on and leave for the weekend on that note. (please not the weekend she is going to his hometown though!) Take some time for yourself and don’t contact him. Think about what you really want and suggest he do the same. Talk things out after that and see where your heart and head stand. But Bee, please be smart.

waiting on an update!

Post # 80
Member
281 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

He’s still doing it because he can. You’ve allowed it and the past and you still are. By marrying him, that made it all ok in his mind. He doesn’t sound rational and I don’t know why you’d want to be with him. 

I can’t even muster up any sympathy. You knew what you were getting into.

Post # 81
Member
2167 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I think the OP might be afraid to come back.

Post # 83
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

Hi, OP.

You say several things that make me think that your husband might have narcissistic personality disorder or borderline personality disorder. You mention his ability to charm; an insatiable desire for sexual attention and heavy doses of insincerity (“I love you! I won’t do it anymore!”). Those are just a few off the top of my head, but  more than anything, those traits often point to another: an inability to treat people as people. 

In effect, you become an ATM – he walks up, pushes buttons to get his desired result, boom, done. When he’s done using the interface to get what he needs, he thinks little more of it. It’s a means to an end, a machine solely for his own fulfillment; he’s not stopping to think about what it needs, what it might feel, etc. That seems very plain to me in his piss-poor excuse of, “There’s nothing wrong with it. *I* wasn’t doing anything, they just started sending me that stuff.” 

Most people wouldn’t utter that excuse because they know it sounds like complete and utter bullshit. In this case, your husband sounds so delusional, so completely oblivious to other peoplpes’ feelings and needs, that to him, it sounds entirely justified and believable.

You have a man who is chronically looking back at past relationships or out at others. It’s a matter of time before this relationship with his ex becomes physical, especially if he’s trying to be in the same area as her at the same time.

You get angry and you say “no more,” he says what you want to hear, but the cycle repeats over and over again.

Your response has to be different. You can’t get angry and warn him every time. As others have said, he’s had three strikes now. I’m begging you to start expanding your support network and think of a contingency plan. 

In 30 years, is this the type of marriage that you want? Someone who is never really going to be there for you? You deserve more than that. I hope you will leave him and divorce him. You can’t trust this man. He’s hidden his issues with THREE different women. My God.

Sometimes, getting married and being closer together shows us what was there all along – which is what you are now experiencing. Maybe to a degree he felt that once he “had” you, you wouldn’t bother to leave. 

Please show him otherwise, OP.

Post # 84
Member
3870 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I possibly could have forgiven this behavior once. Maybe. It would have taken my SO moving Heaven and Hell to convince me to stay and work on our relationship. He would have had to break things off with the lady in question completely, but still, every time his phone buzzed or I saw him on Facebook, I would question him. Honestly, no, I would probably have whooped his ass to death. I do not tolerate anything like this and if we got through it once just for him to put me through it again? Oh my goodness, it makes my blood boil to even think about. I would be rabid. Not a good situation for anyone to be in, let alone in a marriage.

As hard as it may seem, I couldn’t be with a man like him. He is incredibly disrespectful. Incredibly. He shows a total disregard for you, his wife, and only seems interested in these other relationships. This doesn’t seem like it’s going to change and I would certainly not stick around to see what two or three years down the road is like. I would pack a bag and take a breather from him. Possibly seek couple’s therapy. There is an underlying reason as to why he can’t keep himself from engaging in these other women, but it is not acceptable. 

If you want to work through this and stay married to him, something has to change, because this behavior is unacceptable. You deserve better, OP. Really, you deserve so much better than this POS. You owe it to yourself to ditch him and find someone who isn’t going to treat you like crap.

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