(Closed) DH is resentful that I'm a SAHM. What can I do?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 136
Member
434 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I don’t understand…so it’s OK for you to be “stuck with the baby” while he works, but if you want to work, he can’t be stuck with the kid for a few hours? That’s weird. Regardless, it sounds like if you want your marriage to work, you are going to have to figure out a way to work outside the home and bring in some money. Obviously you guys aren’t hurting, if you have a country club membership, but he clearly feels that you would be more comfortable (and he could retire earlier) if you had a job. 

Post # 137
Member
446 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

 

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stayathomebee:  “For example, he does not want me to get a teaching job at night because he doesn’t want to be “stuck with the baby”. — EXACTLY. He’s contradicting himself. He tells you that your lifestyle is too easy, yet it’s a job that he obviously isn’t up for.

I think your husband is being a baby. He should feel grateful that he makes enough so that you can stay home and be a full-time mom. He should feel grateful that you are able to take your child to the park. It doesn’t sound like he’s thinking what might be best for the child– he’s thinking what’s best for HIM. And I also think that his lack of wanting to see a counseler is because he’s afraid he’s going to be told something that he’s just not up for hearing right now.

Post # 138
Member
31 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m kind of appalled reading some of these responses.  The OP came here for support and advise and all that anybody can tell her is, “She needs to get a job.”  Since when is it ok to start bashing SAHM’s?  I currently don’t have kids but my husband and I are currently ttc and I plan on being  Stay-At-Home Mom and my husband is 100% on board.  I also have two college degrees but for our family we feel it’s important that I stay home if we are able to.  I understand not everybody has the opportunity to stay home and some may not want to but why bash other people’s choices?  Why do we have to have the debate once again that working mom’s are better than Stay-At-Home Mom mom’s or vice versa? 

I am also annoyed that some people comment and it is clear they have not read the OP’s thread clearly, and/or has not read her updates.  If I hear one more time that it’s especially not fair for her husband to pay her debt I’m going to scream!  It’s $8000 TOTAL!! AND he agreed from the beginning that it wasn’t a big deal.  She is able to pay the enire $8000 dollars off but he told her not to.  Another thing, why is it her debt, his debt, they are marriend, it’s their debt now.  He works to provide financially and she stays home, takes care of the house, meals, bills, errands and raises their child!  I said THEIR child!  Isn’t that kind of an important task, raising a child? 

People are commenting on why she got a degree but isn’t doing anything with it.  The OP clearly stated that she was planning on working 4-5 years using her degree before thay started a family.  Did people miss that part??  She was planning on using her degree.  Things didn’t work out that way.  They ended up getting pregnant sooner than later and plans changed.  So tell me how her degree is a waste.  Education is never a waste, if your a Stay-At-Home Mom or a working mom in my opinion. 

I just feel like everyone is being extremely critical of the OP but the husband gets a pass for his part.  He AGREED to her being a Stay-At-Home Mom, he is the one who does not respect his wife, he is the one who is whining because he can’t get a brand new car, or take expensive vacations.  How do we know what kind of vacations he wants to take.  Her husband has had things handed to him since he was young, now he is working for a living (over 6 figures) and is resentful because his wife isn’t working.  One, he agreed to it, and two she is raising his child.  Instead everyone is jumping all over the OP because she needs to consider his feelings.  How about he consider her feelings!  The OP stated that she is a saver and her husband is a spender, she doesn’t want to take expensive vacations.  Maybe the husband needs to realize that once you start a family sometimes sacrifices need to be made for the well being of your family.

 

 

Post # 139
Member
2511 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

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Misswhowedding:  +1,000,000,000,000

^ EVERYTHING she said.

Let me tell you, I know most people have more respect for working Moms, but I give MAJOR PROPS to SAHMs!!!!!

I have a 5 month old. I was fortunate enought to get an extended maternity leave (if you call 10 weeks, instead of 6 “extended”) but while I was blessed to spend those early weeks with my son, I was EXCEEDINGLY excited to return to work. Taking care of a baby is HARD. I was chomping at the bit to go back to work. My son is in daycare & my workdays are my “me” time. Sad huh? 

Even now, I still get overwhelmed. I can totally relate when you said you didn’t enjoy the first year of your son’s life. The first year SUCKS as I’m continually discovering. It’s not that I don’t love my son, I would throw myself in front of a train for him, but at the same time I don’t think I could handle being home all day every day right now. It would probably be MUCH easier in another year or 2, but not right now.

Kudos to YOU, OP, for being a Stay-At-Home Mom. I wish the tables were turned & your husband could have been the one taking care of a brand new baby by himself, all day in & out. Then he would see, especially in that first year, just how much of a JOB it is. It’s NOT eating bonbons & watching talk shows all day. It’s HARD. I understand him being financially stressed, but like the above poster mentioned, once you add in the cost of daycare (we pay almost $800 a month on that alone), plus gas, food, extra diapers, formula, etc for the care he gets while AT daycare, it starts to add up.

I hope you all can resolve things & find a compromise. Hang in there lady.

Post # 140
Member
446 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

 

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trulyblessed:  That’s great that your husband does that! Unfortunately, for most mothers I know anyway, that isn’t the case. However, when my Fiance and I have kids, it will be the same way as it is with you and your DH. 🙂

There’s definitely not right or wrong answer here. I just hope the OP and her DH are able to work it out to where neither one of them end up resentful in the end.

Post # 141
Member
2942 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

 

stayathomebee:  The more I read of your posts, the more I don’t think your husband understands what you do all day.  He stayed with DS alone one afternoon, and then you “saved him.”  He didn’t deal with any of the actual consequenses of taking care of DS and the house all day.  It doesn’t sound like he picked up after DS, or that he made dinner, or take DS anywhere. 

I am a little offended by the Bees that state that saving your marriage will take doing what your husband says, period, end of story.  Feminism is allowing each woman to make her own life choices, and afferming those choices.  If the choice is that you want to stay with your kids, and circumstances allow it, other women should stand up for that choice.  This bugs me as much as my Future In-Laws making snide comments about my FSIL’s husband quiting school because he wanted to spend time with his kids.  He was communiting to school, and spending 9-10 hours a day there, only seeing his kids when they woke up, and putting them to bed at night.  Just because someone’s ambition is their family instead of their career, our society is treating them like they are bad people.  Why are we only valuing people by what they earn? 

Marriage is compromise, and it doesn’t sound like he is willing to meet you half way on this issue.  He has pretty much axed any jobs that would allow both of you to get what you want, such as teaching nights, or running a daycare.  Not saying that he has to meet you at Stay-At-Home Mom, but if he wants you to have a career, he has to allow you some flexablity in what you are going to do. 

Also, for the record, I’m a career woman, and I don’t have any plans to be a Stay-At-Home Mom, but I totally support OP’s wish to be a Stay-At-Home Mom.  It’s her choice, and all the wonderful women who worked for feminism allowed her to get to this point.  Invalidating her choice because her husband is doing so is not what feminism about. 

Post # 142
Member
446 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

 

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Kim4995:  +1,000,000,000,000,000

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for catching all things that I too caught. It’s THEIR debt, it’s THEIR child, and it’s THEIR home.

Post # 143
Member
2239 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

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okqueenbee:  +1 EXACTLY on point.

Some of these responses make me so sad! But I’d just like to add that despite the sentiment in this thread, NOT all SAHMs are privileged. My cousin, who had a baby at 20, became a Stay-At-Home Mom by default because her income as a waitress (she doesn’t have a college education) wouldn’t have even covered the cost of childcare. She and her daughter’s father struggled and continue to struggle financially, and yet, she remains a Stay-At-Home Mom, and likely will until her daughter is old enough to go to school. They live off one income – the father is a bartender, so again, they are NOT privileged whatsoever. The ignorance and mom-bashing in this thread is unreal!

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by  annb9.
Post # 144
Member
434 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

But why should the burden of making all the money for the family fall on the husband? I think both parents need to be 100% on board with one parent staying home, so that resentment doesn’t start to creep in. Which it clearly has, in this case. Clearly raising kids is not easy, I don’t think anyone is saying that, but plenty of families have parents who work outside the home. Most families, I would think. And their kids get raised just fine. Either look at getting a part time job or talk about a timeline when you would go back to work. 

Post # 145
Member
9541 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

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stayathomebee:  From you rmost recent update it sounds like you guys are making progress with talking this through, which is the most important thing. Honestly, I don’t think either one of you is “right” in this situation. I can understand him being stressed at being the sole financial provider and wanting to be able to take vacations. But I can also understand you wanting to stay home with your kids. I see both of those things (vacations/gadgets/etc and being a SAHM) as luxuries so I don’t think one is more valuable than the other. So I think compromise is in order. Unfortunatley, it sounds like he’s being pretty stubborn and inflexible, which will need to change. I think there is some middle ground in there – you working part time to bring in money so you can do some vacations and things like that but still getting to spend some time as a Stay-At-Home Mom. Or you going back to school when your kid starts kindergarden. Whatever, but something that’s in between full time Stay-At-Home Mom forever and full time working mom forever. But the thing about compromise is that neither party usually gets all that they want. That’s how marraiges work. And it sounds like you’re willing to try to find a solution, so I’d encourage him to try to compromise and find something you can both be happy with. Also it will be important for him to realize that if you take up working (part time or full time) he’ll have more responsibilities with the kid and around the house. I can understand his resentment. I really can. But I think he needs to think outside his narrow visioned solution of you immediately working full time outside the home.

Post # 146
Member
3751 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I can understand one spouse being resentful of another spouse that is staying at home. BUT he’s taking it a bit far, he’s acting like a spoiled baby. So you get a job, sounds like you’d have to do something that doesn’t bring in much money and will likely not cover the cost of daycare. I think it’s time to do your research on daycare and provide him some real numbers.

Post # 147
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

The more I read, the more it sounds like money is at the root of this issue. You have different ideas about how to spend money, how to save money, and what constitutes a comfortable income.<br />Do you have a budget, and do you have a 5, 10, 50 year financial plan?  If you can hammer out a financial plan that satisfies you both, it will bring order and peace of mind.  

Every family/mother has to make their own decision, but I personally would prioritise family time over money where possible.  It sounds like you both come from comfortable backgrounds, and you may be used to living a certain way. But you seem like a fairly young couple and there will be plenty of time in the future to drive nice cars and take nice vacations.  There will be plenty of time to golf and go to the gym when you’re both retired, but you only have a few short years to spend with your son before he attends school.  He’s going to grow up fast and if you work, evenings that could have been family time might now be cooking/cleaning/shopping time.  Nobody wishes on their deathbed they had logged more office hours.       

 

Post # 148
Member
3339 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

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stayathomebee:  Honestly, I think it was really irresponsible of you to get a Master’s degree “just for fun” and then saddle your DH with the debt. I’d be surprised if he wasn’t resentful! Who does that?? I mean really. If you paid for your education outright, then fine. But you didn’t. You took out loans and then expect someone else to pay them off because you want to stay home and not work. Guess what? NO ONE wants to work! It’s something we have to do to survive in this world. I think your DH’s feelings are completely understandable.

I’m not trying to be mean. I also understand your side that you both agreed you would stay home and being a Stay-At-Home Mom is a lot of work. Raising a child isn’t a picnic. But I think your DH agreed to something without fully thinking it through or just without realizing what it would really be like. People grow and change throughout life. When you’re married, the key is to grow together and make compromises when you can’t.

You want to stay home. But your financial needs and the emotional needs of your husband require you to work. So work. You don’t have to do it forever (hopefully/if you’re lucky). But even if you do, that’s just part of life. It was your decision to take out loans and get a Master’s degree with no thought as to how you would pay it off. I think you should have to live with the repercussions of that decision, not your DH, especially since you decided this before y’all met. Take responsibility.

Post # 149
Member
2899 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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stayathomebee:  It sounds like you both need to be a little more flexible and willing to re-evaluate how this is working. (And from your most recent update, it sounds like you are being flexible – offering to get a teaching job at night, giving piano lessons, etc.) 

I can really see it from both sides. It sounds like he wasn’t really 100% on board with you being a Stay-At-Home Mom and now that it’s reality, he can’t handle it as well as he maybe thought he could. Supporting a family on one salary is one thing in theory, but another thing in reality. So even though he agreed to do things that way, I think it’s totally fair for him to say, “I’m sorry, I’m just not as okay with this as I thought I’d be, we need to re-evaluate.” 

On the other hand, if he wants you to bring in an income, he needs to be flexible about how that happens. The things you suggested sound like a pretty reasonable compromise for now, especially if you’re willing to get back into the workforce with a full time job after your child is in school full-time. There’s a difference between “We need to make this limited income work for the next two or three years, and then Mom will get a full time job and we can take vacations and buy new cars” and “I don’t plan to work full time again for the rest of my life.” 

Post # 150
Member
796 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

 

I would be pissed that he wants you to get a job but it has to be at a convienient time for him so he isn’t “stuck with the baby.”  That sounds pretty selfish to me.  He wants you to contribute but is outlining specific parameters for your job, a job that would be hard to find in your field.  Also, I don’t like how he has been holding in his resentment over this for so long. 

I can totally understand your husbands frustration but after your update it sounds like he’s a bit spoiled and short-sighted.  I’d let him learn the hard way… go ahead and find yourself a job during the day, rack up some day-care bills, gas bills, cleaning lady bills, etc. and see how much he likes having to fix himself dinner because you were working too late to fix it for him.

And really I gotta ask… does he do ANYTHING around the house at all?  Or is working the only thing he contributes to the household?  Because if you went back to work he’d have to put more effort into your home and child.  You mention that when he gets home from work you’re still “on” as a mom and don’t just hand your son off to him.  He’d have to step up and be willing to turn “on” more as a dad.  If he complains about being tired from work what will his excuse be then, your job isn’t as good/make as much as his job so you still have to do more at home?  This man needs a slap from reality.

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