(Closed) DH is resentful that I'm a SAHM. What can I do?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 151
Member
2814 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Just read this entire thread, all the responses, and your most recent update (this will be long!)

First of all, it also made me really sad to see how SAHM’s are viewed by so many people. I can’t say I am shocked, since we are all so programmed to think money = success, but it is disappointing nonetheless. Contributions to a family are more than just $$$.

I have had the advantage of being a Stay-At-Home Mom for my DD’s first year, and then returning to work full time after that (I SO desperately wanted to be a Stay-At-Home Mom or work part time but with my own student loan debt, our life goals, and my workplace, it wouldn’t work). From my POV, we could have done it (I don’t have many wants either), but from DH’s, it wasn’t going to fly..so I went back to work.

I gotta say, each has it’s own challenges. Niether was any easier or more difficult for me. At home, I never had a “break” from Dear Daughter. God knows I love her to bits, but it would be so very challenging to get a lot of things done once she started walking. I personally loved being home to raise her, and also keep a clean and functioning home for my Darling Husband. Meals were always ready, but in the few instances that I didn’t have it on the table right as he walked through the door, he didn’t lose his mind over it.

Returning to work had it’s own challenges and benefits. I loved that Dear Daughter was getting great social time at her daycare (she has learned SOOOOO much since starting!), and that I also had some time with adults, or could skip out on my lunch breaks to run a few errands without baby in tow. However, she still wasn’t sleeping through the night so I was exhausted. It was also really hard to come home & cook supper, get Dear Daughter ready for bed, pack her daycare bag, do other chores. I didn’t request too much additional help from Darling Husband on these things, but I think maybe I should have.

From your most recent update, I hate to take sides, but I do think your Darling Husband is a bit…spoiled. When you return to work, will he help pick up some slack at home as well? I truly believe that if both partners are working, then both need to help out at home and with baby as well. No pouting or complaining.

He might have to cook for himself…do a load of laundry, and god forbid “be stuck with the child” (that comment from him really bothers me…). He may work all day long, but does he not want to build a relationship with your son? Just because one works all day, does not mean parenting when you get home ends, and I think that needs to be for Father’s too, not just mothers.

In regards to your student loans, that has been a bone of contention in our relationship as well. I owe nearly $30,000 and that was part of the issue I went back to work after having Dear Daughter. Darling Husband and I both agree that we’re married, and a “unit” so whats mine is his, good and bad. If you guys are living as confortably as you say, $8000 should not be as big of a deal as it has become. The biggest issue of this whole dilemma is that he didn’t come directly to you and express this to begin with.

Sorry to be so long winded… Marriage is about compromise and communication. you both need to give and take..and it sounds like maybe both of you are stuck in reaching something that works for both of you.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by  urchin.
Post # 152
Member
1462 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

housebee:  Just wanted to say, I agree with you. I grew up with a Stay-At-Home Mom and I was still raised to work very hard and pay my own way with a man. I think it’s more about the environment and less about whether having a Stay-At-Home Mom doesn’t set as good an example.

stayathomebee: I agree with PPs that money differences may be the root of the issue. We make over $200k combined in a high cost of living area. My FI’s parents bought him his Nissan (not BMW) – the car is 10 yrs old and he still plans on keeping it for longer. He doesn’t prioritize taking vacations, I’m actually the one used to spending money on travel, but he’s agreed that we’re long overdue and he made it one of his goals for us to go on a nice trip this year (hey, I work too!). Your husband sounds a little spoiled to me. I don’t agree with taking away from the 401k (that’s necessary to support both of you in the future) but he could make some compromises and decrease spending in other areas. Like forgo a new car for a vacation.

Post # 153
Member
3451 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Even though I’m on OPs side, I understand how her husband feels. He probably doesn’t feel like this all the time, but being the only breadwinner is stressful and it can really get a person down sometimes. A person can feel crushed under the weight of the knowledge that “I am essentially a layoff away from us both being homeless” (because let’s face it, savings are finite). And I know first-hand the feeling of getting up every day to bust your hump at work erstwhile feeling like you carry all the load when your spouse has all this flexibility and free time that you don’t have. This is the case even though I actually signed up for this. I had no idea how it would affect me emotionally, and I’m sure OP’s husband is in the same boat. Do you live a privileged life? Absolutely. Only children and SAHSs are able to go through life everyday and worry nothing at all about having to earn money. But your husband lives a privileged life also. Most working people don’t have the luxury of focusing only on their professional work and coming home to a clean house and cooked food. It’s a trade-off. If you both were working and he had to either help cook or order Chinese 2x a week, would he be happier? Add to that the child care expenses, oh please. He would be longing for the days when you stayed home and took care of everything. 

Your student debt, though? That’s your responsibility and you should pay it off since you have the means to do so. I wouldn’t even consider repaying my husband’s loans, especially not ones he took because he wanted to prove something to himself. I likewise do not pay his child support. I provide for our family expenses, not expenses he brought upon himself before we met based on his own choices. 

Post # 154
Member
3208 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

For six months, while my Fiance was between contracts and setting up his own business, I was the sole income provider for our home. We had a large cushion of savings and I brought home a more than comfortable income. We still went out for dinners, went on a nice vacation, and upgraded our bedroom furniture. I still got my weekly manicures and he still bought his expensive daily coffees. Our registered savings plans were maxed out that year as planned, so really, we lived well. 

But you know what? Being the sole income provider was the most stressful thing I’ve ever done. We had enough savings to pay living expenses for a year, but I still felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells, knowing that if I were to mess up on a project or get laid off, it wouldn’t just affect me but also my Fiance.

Your husband’s stress level is trifold! He has not only himself to think about, but also you and the baby. Everyone on this thread is talking about how hard it is to be a mother, and I’m sure it is. I surely don’t envy having to be “on” all the time or 4am feedings, but seriously – having the financial well being of your family on your back is an immense pressure. You’re a saver, but do you realize that your husband has to save for your child’s college, and retirement savings for TWO people on his own? If you like to have lunch with friends and a gym membership to unwind, why is a home upgrade or a new car out of bounds for him? If he feels like he needs a vacation every year to rest, why are you keeping that from him? 

I cannot imagine seeing your partner struggle with that and think YOU’RE getting the short end of the stick here. 

Post # 155
Member
3451 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

flowercrowns:  I agree with you so much, I can’t stand it! People say that the husband needs to appreciate what OP goes through. But I think she could benefit from contemplating what he goes through as well. Being a sole provider is no fun at all (even if you’re not broke).

Post # 156
Member
446 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

 

Christy42213:  You clearly need to go back and read her most recent posts, and if you’ve done that already, you need to re-read them. She’s paid back most of the loans herself and only $8k is remaining. Also, they put 25% down on their big, nice home in an affluent neighborhood, and they did so with the majority of her inheritance money. You may also note that she struggled in school and was also constantly compared to her brother and sister..hence why she felt the need to prove it to herself. She also planned on using her degree for 4-5 years before getting pregnant, but obviously things did not work out as planned- and it takes two to tango.

“You want to stay home. But your financial needs and the emotional needs of your husband require you to work. So work.”– REALLY?! She needs to give in to what her husband wants, even though it’s not what she wants? I thought  marriage was about compromise?

Again, I urge you to go back and re-read. Her Darling Husband has also mentioned he won’t let her hold an evening job because he doesn’t want to be “stuck with the baby”– completely contradicting what he has accused of her “easy lifestyle”.

Post # 157
Member
3208 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Obviously he will not want to come home from his stressful job to take care of a baby while she brings home a small fraction of what he would. Why is everyone jumping on him being spoiled because of that? Just because he wants her to pull her weight financial does not mean he (or she!) has to give up their leisure time. Unless the OP is going to be matching his income with her evening teach job, saddling him with being the main provider and domestic duties are only going to add to his stress load.

Why the heck is daycare twice a week during the day while both mom and dad are at work so unreasonable? Working opposite shifts is only going to create a larger divide in this marriage.

Post # 158
Member
2455 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

stayathomebee:  Maybe you already answered this or implied it, but I need it clearly stated.  Why do you want to be a SAHM?  There’s nothing wrong with being a Stay-At-Home Mom, don’t get me wrong.  But what are your reasons for this?

Post # 159
Member
3339 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

mdcmod:  I’ll admit I only read her first post (I hate this new site format that makes it harder to find and read updates), but honestly my opinion is still the same.  Whether or not she got pregnant fast doesn’t change the fact that people change.  I think it is a compromise to go back to work for a little while, and I still think it’s 100% her responsiblity to earn the $8K left she has to pay.  If she has money sitting around in an inheritance account, it makes absolutely no financial sense to let it sit there and then keep paying interest on her student loans.  She would have to be earning more interest on the inheritance money than is being accrued on the student loan for that to make any kind of sense, and even then, it’s still money down the drain IMO when you pay interest.

Post # 160
Member
1470 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Christy42213:  But the problem isn’t that he sat her down and kindly said “Honey, I’m feeling pretty stressed about our income and we need to talk about whether the lifestyle we could live if you worked would outweigh some of the benefits we get from you staying at home with our son.” He was derisive and dismissive of her, both to her face AND to friends (who should have NEVER been spoken to like that). His attitude is the biggest problem, not his desire not to be the sole provider. Also, her HUSBAND is the one not wanting to pay off the student loan debt with HER inheritance money, which they also used to buy the house they BOTH live in.

Post # 161
Member
1006 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I have been waiting to comment but the attitude on this board makes me ill. Thankfully some understanding people have posted recently and said things way better than I could. I think your husband is being an ass in the wat he has handled this and he sounds very selfish. I am going to be a Stay-At-Home Mom and we BOTH agree that for us, having one of us raise our kids full time is much  more important than vacations and a new car. 

Advice, if you go with teaching piano. i would suggest hiring a teen or pre-teen to watch you son during lessons. I did this for a woman. She paid less than average and gave me free lessons but then I had work experience when I went to watch kids on my own. If you don’t have someone watching uou son, he will constantly interrupt you and from your posts, it doesn’t sound like Darling Husband would be much of a help if he was home. 

Post # 162
Member
3339 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

Jess1483:  I don’t know how much help she’s really going to get from this board.  No one is going to have a magic answer that will fix her situation and turn them both into a loving, happily married couple.  They need to work on their communication, and they may need a therapist to help.  I agree that he shouldn’t have talked to their friends about their marital problems/disagreements.  But at this point, it’s water under the bridge.  He’s already done it.  So they need to find a way to move forward and come up with a solution that they’re both happy with and can both agree to.  This board isn’t going to give them that answer.  (And as for the inheritance money thing, it’s still a poor financial decision to pay interest that you don’t have to, regardless of who is wanting or not wanting to pay off the debt).

Post # 163
Member
1470 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Christy42213:  I agree it’s a poor financial decision, but you’re right that it’s their marriage, and therefore THEIR decision. And I never said she was going to get the answer from us, what I was discussing was the DISGUSTING attitude so many have on this thread that she should just do what he wants because he’s a jackass. And I think she HAS gotten some good advice, most of it about improved communication and maybe seeing a counselor. His attitude scares me and I wouldn’t be married to someone who didn’t think raising our son was important work (in whatever form that took).

Post # 164
Member
446 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

 

flowercrowns:  Sooo…he’s not going to want to come home to be…a father?? That’s the problem. If everything OP says is true, it sounds like even if she does work, he’s STILL not going to want to come home to do parental duties. He’s mentioned not wanting to be “stuck with the baby” while she’s away.

Also, why work once or twice a week to send the child to day care? At that point, she’s still not truly helping out financially. In fact, they’re losing money. Why go work a 2 day a week job to spend a ton on childcare, when you’re perfectly fit to stay at home and do the job a daycare would do yourself.

She may not be making any money, but she damn sure is providing. She’s spending time, teaching, loving, playing with, giving direction, etc etc as a mother. Investing in a family is much more than providing $$$.

Post # 165
Member
3339 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

Jess1483:  I apologize if my attitude was interpreted as “disgusting.”  I certainly don’t think she should just do what her husband wants.  I gave advice based off what I would do in her situation.  I would work to make my husband happy, and I would expect him to work to make me happy.  I simply expressed my opinion that she has been irresponsible.

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