Well I too am surprised and disappointed at all the Stay-At-Home Mom on these boards. I was hoping for a little more support but I guess I’m in the wrong here. I didn’t want to get so personal so I will explain our situation a bit further.
When I said I wanted to get my master’s to prove it to myself, it was because when I was a child I was constantly compared to my older brother and sister who got straight A’s in school while I struggled. My parents thought I wasn’t trying hard enough but it turned out I had dyslexia and once that was discovered, things were still a struggle but at least I knew why. Neither my brother or sister has a master’s degree so maybe I did it to prove it to my parents too. But as I have seen on this board and others, there are plenty of women who are SAHMs that have their degrees so I don’t really understand why I am picked on for having a degree I’m not using.
I am going to just pay off my student loans so that I can never have that thrown in my face again. The cost was $350 a month.
A poster asked what kind of debt we have. Our mortgage (including property taxes rolled in) is about $2,000 a month. We have a $300 monthly payment for my minivan. DH’s car (a BMW that his parents gave him) is paid in full. We live in the suburbs of an expensive city so while we are definitely comfortable we’re not as wealthy as say, our parents. I should point out that when we bought the house we’re in, we put 25% down using a big chunk of my inheritance money. This area’s real estate never really saw a downturn because it’s a very sought after suburb to raise a family so I know we overpaid for the house, but when DH saw it he immediately wanted it because of the proximity to his work.
We had decided to put a lot in DH’s 401K because as he puts it, he doesn’t want to work forever.
So we had a long discussion last night and while I’m not sure we resolved anything at least things are out in the open.
You all were right, DH was never 100% on board with me staying home, which really pissed me off to hear that. Well, he was in agreement at first, but when the reality hit, he was much more bothered by shouldering the entire load than he thought he would be.
Our son was a very tough baby and I was completely overwhelmed and that whole year tramatized DH and me. I think a lot of my issues were from sleep deprivation. I had taken the baby to several doctors trying to find something wrong with him, when they all told me the same thing, that he was just a fussy, difficult baby. DH did admit that I seem much happier now (which I am) and he was just afraid that one park incident would turn into a daily thing. I got him to admit that he felt like his needs were not being met. A poster asked if he saw me “sleeping in” while he was getting ready for work, and no, the baby is an early riser so I was up making breakfast for us, not sleeping in. DH doesn’t like leftovers so he usually goes out for lunch. I think the problem was I took care of him (like making breakfast) before the baby came so at least that first year, it was a shock to him to see I couldn’t do it all.
I personally think DH is a bit spoiled. Yes, he has a stressful job (this day and age, who doesn’t?) but he has his fun time too. We agreed that he could splurge on a membership to a country club for his expensive golf hobby (and that’s where we both work out so it’s included in the membership). He loves spending money on technology and gadgets; always has to have a new phone when it comes out.
So we talked about his resentment and bottom line he wants me to get a job, however, he’s not being very flexible. For example, he does not want me to get a teaching job at night because he doesn’t want to be “stuck with the baby”. Whatever “job” I get he wants it to be during the week while he’s at work. He does NOT want a day care at our house. He feels like I need to contribute financially. I am really bummed about this but it is what it is.
I haven’t had the time to look for anything yet, but I mentioned the possibility of me teaching piano lessons (I used to before we had the baby). Even though it would be at night or after school, and it’s not a lot of money, I think something like that could work for now.
DH is going to put a bit less into the 401K so he brings home a bit more.
I mentioned seeing a counselor and while he didn’t agree to that at this time (he thinks we can work this out without one) I said I don’t want his resentment to get any worse. He agreed to be more open with his feelings.
I guess it’s a start.