(Closed) DH is resentful that I'm a SAHM. What can I do?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 121
Member
330 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Maybe you two should switch roles for a couple of days – him as a SAHH and you bring the sole income provider.  Both is tough.  He needs to understand that you are not just staying home to play with the baby.  You are maintaining the house and it is tiresome.  However you need to understand that with the stress and pressure at work it would be awesome to just get away for weeks and go somewhere FAR from it.

I have nothing against Stay-At-Home Mom, I just can see from your husband’s perspective more clearly.  When my fiancé and I was buying our house we budgeted and tracked our living expenses to determine what our finanical situation would be like once we have kids.  Although we were still able to live comfortably I felt the burden I would place on my fiancé if I became a Stay-At-Home Mom.  Not only would he be sole provider we would also needed to make sure we had enough money that we can live off for a couple months if something ever happened to him or his job.  It’s not a career – it is job that both him and I would love to get away and just take a nice long long break from once in a while.  

So before you fight and defend your position as Stay-At-Home Mom maybe you should look more into his situation of being the sole provider first.  Even 6 figures isn’t a lot – especially if you can’t pay off 8K of student loan right away.  Would you be able to carry the financial burden if something was to happen to him?  If not then isn’t it kind of unfair that you are expecting that he should?

Post # 122
Member
9773 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

That’s a tough spot to be in. Ultimately I think something is going to have to change, regardless of previously agreed on plans.

Use the inheritance to pay off the student loan.

Contact daycares in your area and price out exactly how much it would cost to send your child there, both part time and full time.

Write out your weekly expenses and see if there is anything you can cut. Lunches out, brand name clothes for the baby, etc.

Make a timeline for when you would plan on returning to work. Part time during preschool for example.

I know you said you can live without a new car or vacations, but maybe your husband cannot. I’m sure he feels that since he’s working full time, he deserves to spend some of his hard earned money on himself/car/house. I think that’s totally reasonable IMO. If you cannot afford for BOTH of you to live comfortably, then you can’t afford to be a Stay-At-Home Mom in my opinion.

Post # 123
Member
354 posts
Helper bee

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housebee:  well, if you think about it, back in the old days it’s harder for women to have education. My mom doesn’t even have a high school degree, so she stays at home while my father works.

But also back in the old days living standards were a lot cheaper so it was made sense for my father to work while my mom stays home and takes care of the kids. But what if something happens to my dad when we’re little? Then our family would be screwed.

Nowadays it’s almost preferrable to have both parents work because of the cost of living is on the rise. Even with 2 paychecks, you can still live paycheck to paycheck. it’s pretty sad to think about it.  

 

And I don’t think she meant “teaching”, more like setting an example 🙂

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by  Barely_Blush.
Post # 124
Member
637 posts
Busy bee

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housebee:  I had a Stay-At-Home Mom, and while I loved her, I thought it plain odd that someone would work hard in school, work hard in college and for what? I do believe in education for education’s sake (and I don’t think OP’s loans are that big of a deal) but it was weird to have my mom tell me to work hard in school when my only role model was someone that wasn’t using their education. 

Post # 125
Member
2843 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

 

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housebee:  I just think working sets a better example for my kids.  I prefer it.  Everyone is different.

Post # 126
Member
219 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

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canadajane:  It’s more about the fact that it seems OP wants to stay home JUST so that she doesn’t have to work and things are easier for her, with no regard for what is best for the family, especially her husband. She is being very selfish. I can go around telling my SO that when we have children I intend to stay home, and we could very well do that, but if at the end of the day I feel that my SO would be happier with me at work and our lives would be a little bit easier as opposed to HIS life being crazy stressful and MY life being exactly how I would like it, then I would 100% look into going back to work! She has already been home for almost 2 years, it’s not like her husband was irritated and demanded she go back to work after a month! I’m also of the mindset that if my husband is working and I’m staying home, the responsibilities of the home fall to me. I cook, I clean, I run errands, I play with and teach baby, and when my husband gets home we are BOTH on. Yeah, you do the stuff around the house and of course your husband shouldn’t be coming home throwing down on the sofa and making you serve him while you continue to care for the baby, but he should be able to sit down, have a meal with his wife, and the BOTH of you help in getting the kiddos ready for bed. It’s just hard for me to NOT take the husbands side on this one. I have great respect for the SAHM’s, my mom stayed home with me for 2 years and we struggled, but she and my dad wanted it that way, and she was a pharmacy tech not making much money at the time. She also watched another baby, same age as me, who had a working mom! So she was bringing in some income, saving the other mom some money, and believe me my mom kept the house immaculate and anything that needed doing that she was unable to do was communicated to my dad who then did it and did it without resentment bc my mom worked her ass off! I also have a ton of respect for working moms. I do not have respect for people who whine about how THEY shouldn’t have to deal with anything they don’t WANT to. From her post OP wants to get into a routine of going to the gym, cooking, going to the park, and hopefully getting stuff done at the house if there is time. On the same hand she wants her husband to work, make over 6 figures, support the lifestyle she wants, and doesn’t understand why he wants to do things such as, fix up the house, take a vaca once a YEAR, and look at getting a new car after 7 years?? And she feels disrespected?? Just no.

Post # 127
Member
446 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

 

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trulyblessed:  I don’t disagree with you at all. A lot of my comment was stemming from PP’s who were breathing fire at the OP and SAHM’s in general for their “priveleged” and “easy” lifestyle. I knew my comment would generate some backfire :). It’s not fun being accused of an “easy” lifstyle on the other side of the fence, either, is it? I personally don’t feel like we should be pointing fingers at who has an easy lifestyle and who has it worse off than the other. It’s all relative, and we all have our own experiences. As I said in one of my more recent comments, my mom was/is a working mom, and she is the most incredible woman I’ve ever known. Upmost respect for her.

One interesting thing to note is that a lot of the working moms comment how they have to go to work, and then come home and basically do all the housework/baby work. I think this is an issue with a lot of working moms, especially friends that are in the same situation. When a mom comes home and does all of these things, she’s just being a mom. WHen dad comes home and does them, or possibly for a few hours on his own over the weekend, he’s “baby sitting”.

Post # 128
Member
351 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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stayathomebee:  Just wanted to correct you – you say that it’s relatively new that mothers have careers outside the home, but this isn’t correct — the “stay at home mom” ideal was basically invented by the Victorian middle class and functioned as a status symbol. And even back then, just as now, most people could not afford to have one parent not working. The only time it was truly possible for many Americans was during a very brief period in the 1950s and 1960s, and that has a lot to do with the peculiar economic boom that was happening during that time.

Post # 129
Member
1718 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I tried to read all the posts and your updates but it’s tough keeping up!   All relationships are dynamic.  Things change and people change.  While your DH thought that having you be a Stay-At-Home Mom was hunky dory in the beginning, it’s begining to take a toll on him.  I would discuss options and what you’re willing to compromise.  Don’t do the blame game right now.  None of the “well, you agreed to this” talk.  

As for being a Stay-At-Home Mom with an education, I think that is absolutely your prerogative.  Your degree doesn’t make any money as a Stay-At-Home Mom but your insight and knowledge helps you in different ways when it comes to raising your children.

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by  mnp.
Post # 131
Member
8437 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

my only role model was someone that wasn’t using their education. 

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princesslettuce14:  I’m confused, who supported you guys?  Was your father not around or do you not think of him as a role model?

<br />Barely_Blush:  I was speaking of SAHMs that have the option to work.  Obviously in the past women were very limited to their employment/education options, so having a “back-up” probably wasn’t feasible.  However, nowadays, I don’t see a reason to not have a back-up plan as a Stay-At-Home Mom.  I agree with you about the cost of living/expenses being on the rise, which is why I say having the option of being a Stay-At-Home Mom is a priveledge.  However, I’m not sure that I would want to set the example for my children that the only “valid” form of work is something that earns money (I don’t have an issue if other people want to do this though).

Post # 132
Member
637 posts
Busy bee

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housebee:  Yep, my father made a good income and he was my role model. But when you’re little, gender roles start becoming apparent and I saw my mom as very domestic (she was very happy with being home with us- she absolutely wanted it) and I didn’t quite understand why girls had different choices when it came to trying hard in school. Granted I was around 5 or 6. 

Post # 133
Member
1470 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

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stayathomebee:  Sounds like a constructive conversation. It sucks that he didn’t communicate with you more clearly from the beginning.

These all sound like constructive steps. And I had a HARD baby, too. He didn’t sleep through the night until about 14 months, and I was up every 2 hours until he was about 10 months. It definitely takes a toll and is really stressful. I’m sorry that he didn’t understand that.

His comment that he doesn’t want to be “stuck with the baby” are really disturbing to me. He’s happy to have you “stuck with the baby” in the lap of luxury, doing whatever you want, but if he’s the one with the opportunity to stay home while you work, it’s a huge burden. He does sound really spoiled.

Honestly, I’d probably require counseling at this point. I can’t imagine living with someone who devalued me so much AND was unwilling to communicate about it.

Good luck, OP. I hope you guys can make some progress. 

Post # 134
Member
872 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

 

mdcmod:  totally agree with you 🙂 … That’s why I was saying that there are no right or wrong answers here…. Shoot — who are we to judge, all situations are different. Raising a child is hard work — whether you work inside the home or outside. You are a mom and dad 24/7, lol…. I am definitely blessed in that my husband and I share the responsibilities. No “babysitting” here, lol… we know what needs to be done so we tag team it…. I will be giving our son a bath and he will get his bag ready for daycare, etc… Or, I would be cooking and he will feed him dinner, etc… We always say the work has to be done — lets just do it and maybe we can get some alone time once the baby falls asleep, lol…

BUT, we have a newly turned 1 year old AND a baby due early August — should be interesting :-/ lol

Post # 135
Member
3219 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

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canadajane:  I don’t think anyone is saying that SAHMs are bad people.  I certainly think it is noble of stay at home parents to do what they do to be a stable loving influence for their kids… But, I also don’t believe it is smart to stick stubbornly to a ‘plan’ that isn’t working for the whole family anymore just because her husband agreed to it in theory before there were kids, and because he is a man he should be happy to be the Provider. 

The way this relationship is going, there are probably going to be a lot of fights. Her husband seems to be comparing his wife to all the Facebook-perfect lives of working moms he knows and she is coming up short in glamour or something.

i honestly think that they need to both be better communicators and compromisers to make this relationship work… And if OP doesn’t want to get stuck at a Starbucks job she has said she will hate when her marriage deteriorates, she is going to have to do some listening to her husband’s priorities and let some of them happen.

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