(Closed) DH just told me he's met someone else

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
3242 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

His behaviour says it all. I could not cope with Darling Husband betraying me like that. We have had explicit conversations about transparency and appropriate versus inappropriate contact. I don’t know why you are not more angry at him. He seems to have worn you down in such a way that your first instinct isn’t rage but helplessness. You need to get in touch with your anger. 

If I were you I would tell him to get the fuck out and come back when he’s ready to grovel. In no way would I be prepared to reason with such awful, inexcusable behaviour. Also, you should not have to talk a man into staying. If he is saying he wants to go, let him. Don’t erode your self esteem by begging and pleading. Lady, you deserve so much more. There are plenty of men who have only fucked one woman. All vaginas are the same. It’s bullshit. And its emotionally abusive to make you feel like you are not good enough because you are boring, familiar and not exotic and new. Marriages are built on foreverness. So what if my Darling Husband has slept with more than just me. Ultimately I will become samey to him because he will be having sex with me for sixty years. It’s no excuse. It’s bullshit.

I am so sorry he is being such a bastard. But please, get furious. Get him out and take some time to think about what you REALLY want and DESERVE. Out with what’s expected. Out with what you thought marriage would be. Just honestly. And then make a list. And get powerful. And go to therapy by yourself. And realise that you did nothing to earn his disdain. It’s his pathetic, immature problem.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by  Yipeebee.
Post # 3
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee

Please don’t take this. You deserve SO much better!

Post # 4
Member
715 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

sadbee2015:  I am soooo sorry bee 🙁 *hugs* In my opinion I’m not even sure if counseling together is worth it. I couldn’t be with someone if they told me that. That’s just me though, you can certainly try that first if you think it could help or at least make you feel better about whatever you decide to do.

Actually my ex did tell me this. One day my ex told me that I just don’t “do anything for him anymore” and I wasn’t pretty. I was crushed. Not long after that I left him. Now 2 years later I’m married to a great guy. I would honestly cut ties now before it becomes worse and more emotionally painful, especially since he had questions before and after you got married, I’m not sure he will change his mind. Find someone who loves you for everything you are. It’ll be hard, but you can do it an you both need to be happy. Sounds like he just wasn’t ready for marriage and now he is realizing how serious marriage is.

Post # 5
Member
275 posts
Helper bee

Try Reading Fascinating Womanhood- some might say it is outdated but I know 3 women who were in similar situations and following this lady’s advice saved their marriages (According to them).

Post # 6
Member
1112 posts
Bumble bee

sadbee2015:  I think it’s normal to have a freak out before getting married. A marriage changes a lot of things and it’s okay to question it all. As long as you involve your parnter in that discussion, which is what sounds like you guys did. 

Now, he’s still questioning it and using this other woman as a scape goat to focus his energy. My opinion is that it has less to do with this other woman and more to do about his doubts about your marriage. I say go to councelling and talk it out. You may decide to dissolve the marriage, or this might bring you together. Just try and focus on his thoughts and emotions and less on this other woman. Really, she is insignificant.

Post # 7
Member
3307 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m sorry your husband is behaving this way. Why did you get married if you were having “a huge decline” of sex? That might have been a warning sign. Do you really want to save this marriage? It’s on life support now. It’s been a short time, perhaps you could get an annulment which is what I would choose.

Post # 8
Member
91 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2016 - Fairmont Mayakoba

First off, I’m sorry you are going through this. I cannot believe that he expressed how badly he wanted to sleep with this girl. As if saying he has lost interest in you isn’t more than enough to cause hurt. I think YOU should seek counseling. There is no reason to let some one treat you this way. If he has mentioned his doubts, and how he doesn’t want to be married, please just listen to him. I know it’s crushing but would you rather pretend to be in a happy marriage knowing he is just going with the flow. Or would you rather be with someone who is so completely into you, and will help you feel more secure, and confident. All marriages reach a “boring” point, there are peaks and valleys in any relationship… It is up to the BOTH of you to make it work. Have you ever considered maybe there isn’t anything wrong with you??? the grass Is greener comment, is pretty darn shitty to say!!! I would personally let him go on his merry way. give him his space, but also consider that he is being brutally honest and you deserve better!!!! Hugs. 

Post # 9
Member
1980 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m sorry this is happening to you. But I think he has been as honest as he can; he doesn’t seem to have actually cheated. And the fact that he came to you before you got married is a big thing. A lot of men try to keep it a secret to avoid all the feelings he’s having, until they’re caught and more damage is done. So honestly, as hard as it is, I don’t want to be too hard on him.

Getting experience with others while you’re young and finding what types of people are compatible with you is a big thing for your twenties. He missed out on that. That’s okay, you did too. You are okay with that. He is not.

It just sounds like your relationship may have run its course. Unfortunately, I think it would have been best to have called off the wedding and figured things out as a couple instead.

Beyond his wanting to be with another woman, how compatible are you? Do you have similar goals in life, do you motivate each other, do you make each other better people? Do you have fun together? Can you count on him to be your rock in tough times, to be your team mate through life? Instead of just calling out your lack of confidence, does he try to make you feel beautiful and sexy?

If the answers to all of those questions are yes, then I think there is hope. Because, no matter how many people someone has slept with, sometimes it can be intimidating to commit to one person for the rest of your life. But it’s a conscious decision, and it can be made. It’s a beautiful thing to decide that and be faithful.

But if you are just together because that’s all you have known, then you will likely not be able to survive this.

Post # 10
Member
2573 posts
Sugar bee

Oh my I am beyond sorry you are going through this. I would start going to therapy ASAP with or without him . I honestly don’t know what to say if this were me and my husband was so blatantly disrespectful I  would already consider this over. Could you possibly get this marriage annulled since you just got married?  Or do you want to try and work this out?

Post # 11
Member
9333 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

sadbee2015:  “we’ve been together over 10 years. he’s all ive ever known, and have always thought we would be together forever.”

I’m so sorry, Bee, but these are not reasons to stick with a guy who is clearly not respecting you or your relationship. He told you that he “wants to have sex with her so bad its ridiculous” for Christ’s sake. If your husband is truly committed to getting through this with you and rebuilding, then you two can try counseling, but if he’s not motivated to change, then I’m afraid it likely won’t help much/at all.

If it were me, I would start preparing myself mentally/emotionally/financially for a life without him.

Post # 12
Member
1324 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

i don’t care that you don’t want to hear bees speaking badly of him. your husband is being completely ridiculous and over the top and you definitely do not deserve this type of betrayal. i think you should get divorced. 

Post # 13
Member
665 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I really wanted to say I’m so sorry. This must be heartbreaking.

It sounds like this whole issue centers around sex though so maybe you should try seeing a sex therapist. They can really help with communication issues and stuff as well. Push push push for counselling but you have to keep in mind that counselling only works if both people are willing and open to working at it. Maybe try to help him see all of the other things he will be throwing away just for sex – your companionship, your shared history and experiences, etc. Try to remind him of all you’ve been through together and the bond that you have. It seems like he’s obsessing about the sexual issues and allowing it to cloud his judgement about the gravity and importance of your relationship.

Post # 14
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee

If this is the attitude he has 3 months in, just think how bad its going to be years from now if you decide to stick around- do you think its going to get easier and he is going to get more faithful? I can promise you if he is thinking about it now he will act on it at some point. I know its hard to leave but it is easier than waking up everyday and knowing you are allowing yourself to be mistreated. 

Post # 15
Member
1324 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Yipeebee:  couldn’t have said it better! 

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