Post # 1
Reg bee going anon. I need your help. I really want to get counseling, but im still trying to talk H into it.
We just got married in march. back in january he tells me hes not sure if marriage is right for him. he has a huge freak out full of crying(that never happens) and nit picking little issues we have, that everyone has. we are high school sweethearts & have only been intimate with each other. this has been an issue for him. we also have had a huge decline in frequency of sex in the last 3 years when we moved in together. so we decide to go on wiht the wedding.
now here we are, less than 3 months later, and hes freaking out again. telling me now hes not sexually attracted to me since ive lost my confidence and assertiveness. he doesnt know if marrying me was a mistake or not. he has a huge WHAT IF attitude. the grass is greener kind of thing, and he cant seem to shake it. hes confused and depressed to the point where he dry heaved all afternoon yesterday thinking about it. now he tells me hes met another girl. she works some place he eats at for lunch frequently. theyve only had communication in person, while shes working/hes eating, but he tells me he “wants to have sex wiht her so bad its ridiculous.”
So here i am, with my heart crushed. knowing that he has ALLOWED all of these thoughts into his head by continuously going to this restaurant to see her. praying hes not lying that they dont talk nor have seen each other elsewhere. and i have no idea what to do. i want us to be able to get through this, and repair things, but he cant give me a straight answer on if thats what he wants to do too. he suggested him sleeping in another bedroom for a couple of weeks ot see if that helps?? but idk what that would do besides give him freedom to talk to this girl and have even less sex wiht me.
bees, any advice would be appreciative. i dont like to bash him, and dont care to hear other people speak badly of him. we’ve been together over 10 years. he’s all ive ever known, and have always thought we would be together forever. i’m completely flabbergasted and need help.
Post # 2
His behaviour says it all. I could not cope with Darling Husband betraying me like that. We have had explicit conversations about transparency and appropriate versus inappropriate contact. I don’t know why you are not more angry at him. He seems to have worn you down in such a way that your first instinct isn’t rage but helplessness. You need to get in touch with your anger.
If I were you I would tell him to get the fuck out and come back when he’s ready to grovel. In no way would I be prepared to reason with such awful, inexcusable behaviour. Also, you should not have to talk a man into staying. If he is saying he wants to go, let him. Don’t erode your self esteem by begging and pleading. Lady, you deserve so much more. There are plenty of men who have only fucked one woman. All vaginas are the same. It’s bullshit. And its emotionally abusive to make you feel like you are not good enough because you are boring, familiar and not exotic and new. Marriages are built on foreverness. So what if my Darling Husband has slept with more than just me. Ultimately I will become samey to him because he will be having sex with me for sixty years. It’s no excuse. It’s bullshit.
I am so sorry he is being such a bastard. But please, get furious. Get him out and take some time to think about what you REALLY want and DESERVE. Out with what’s expected. Out with what you thought marriage would be. Just honestly. And then make a list. And get powerful. And go to therapy by yourself. And realise that you did nothing to earn his disdain. It’s his pathetic, immature problem.
Post # 3
Please don’t take this. You deserve SO much better!
Post # 4
sadbee2015: I am soooo sorry bee 🙁 *hugs* In my opinion I’m not even sure if counseling together is worth it. I couldn’t be with someone if they told me that. That’s just me though, you can certainly try that first if you think it could help or at least make you feel better about whatever you decide to do.
Actually my ex did tell me this. One day my ex told me that I just don’t “do anything for him anymore” and I wasn’t pretty. I was crushed. Not long after that I left him. Now 2 years later I’m married to a great guy. I would honestly cut ties now before it becomes worse and more emotionally painful, especially since he had questions before and after you got married, I’m not sure he will change his mind. Find someone who loves you for everything you are. It’ll be hard, but you can do it an you both need to be happy. Sounds like he just wasn’t ready for marriage and now he is realizing how serious marriage is.
Post # 5
Try Reading Fascinating Womanhood- some might say it is outdated but I know 3 women who were in similar situations and following this lady’s advice saved their marriages (According to them).
Post # 6
sadbee2015: I think it’s normal to have a freak out before getting married. A marriage changes a lot of things and it’s okay to question it all. As long as you involve your parnter in that discussion, which is what sounds like you guys did.
Now, he’s still questioning it and using this other woman as a scape goat to focus his energy. My opinion is that it has less to do with this other woman and more to do about his doubts about your marriage. I say go to councelling and talk it out. You may decide to dissolve the marriage, or this might bring you together. Just try and focus on his thoughts and emotions and less on this other woman. Really, she is insignificant.
Post # 7
I’m sorry your husband is behaving this way. Why did you get married if you were having “a huge decline” of sex? That might have been a warning sign. Do you really want to save this marriage? It’s on life support now. It’s been a short time, perhaps you could get an annulment which is what I would choose.
Post # 8
- Wedding: June 2016 - Fairmont Mayakoba
First off, I’m sorry you are going through this. I cannot believe that he expressed how badly he wanted to sleep with this girl. As if saying he has lost interest in you isn’t more than enough to cause hurt. I think YOU should seek counseling. There is no reason to let some one treat you this way. If he has mentioned his doubts, and how he doesn’t want to be married, please just listen to him. I know it’s crushing but would you rather pretend to be in a happy marriage knowing he is just going with the flow. Or would you rather be with someone who is so completely into you, and will help you feel more secure, and confident. All marriages reach a “boring” point, there are peaks and valleys in any relationship… It is up to the BOTH of you to make it work. Have you ever considered maybe there isn’t anything wrong with you??? the grass Is greener comment, is pretty darn shitty to say!!! I would personally let him go on his merry way. give him his space, but also consider that he is being brutally honest and you deserve better!!!! Hugs.
Post # 9
I’m sorry this is happening to you. But I think he has been as honest as he can; he doesn’t seem to have actually cheated. And the fact that he came to you before you got married is a big thing. A lot of men try to keep it a secret to avoid all the feelings he’s having, until they’re caught and more damage is done. So honestly, as hard as it is, I don’t want to be too hard on him.
Getting experience with others while you’re young and finding what types of people are compatible with you is a big thing for your twenties. He missed out on that. That’s okay, you did too. You are okay with that. He is not.
It just sounds like your relationship may have run its course. Unfortunately, I think it would have been best to have called off the wedding and figured things out as a couple instead.
Beyond his wanting to be with another woman, how compatible are you? Do you have similar goals in life, do you motivate each other, do you make each other better people? Do you have fun together? Can you count on him to be your rock in tough times, to be your team mate through life? Instead of just calling out your lack of confidence, does he try to make you feel beautiful and sexy?
If the answers to all of those questions are yes, then I think there is hope. Because, no matter how many people someone has slept with, sometimes it can be intimidating to commit to one person for the rest of your life. But it’s a conscious decision, and it can be made. It’s a beautiful thing to decide that and be faithful.
But if you are just together because that’s all you have known, then you will likely not be able to survive this.
Post # 10
Oh my I am beyond sorry you are going through this. I would start going to therapy ASAP with or without him . I honestly don’t know what to say if this were me and my husband was so blatantly disrespectful I would already consider this over. Could you possibly get this marriage annulled since you just got married? Or do you want to try and work this out?
Post # 11
sadbee2015: “we’ve been together over 10 years. he’s all ive ever known, and have always thought we would be together forever.”
I’m so sorry, Bee, but these are not reasons to stick with a guy who is clearly not respecting you or your relationship. He told you that he “wants to have sex with her so bad its ridiculous” for Christ’s sake. If your husband is truly committed to getting through this with you and rebuilding, then you two can try counseling, but if he’s not motivated to change, then I’m afraid it likely won’t help much/at all.
If it were me, I would start preparing myself mentally/emotionally/financially for a life without him.
Post # 12
i don’t care that you don’t want to hear bees speaking badly of him. your husband is being completely ridiculous and over the top and you definitely do not deserve this type of betrayal. i think you should get divorced.
Post # 13
I really wanted to say I’m so sorry. This must be heartbreaking.
It sounds like this whole issue centers around sex though so maybe you should try seeing a sex therapist. They can really help with communication issues and stuff as well. Push push push for counselling but you have to keep in mind that counselling only works if both people are willing and open to working at it. Maybe try to help him see all of the other things he will be throwing away just for sex – your companionship, your shared history and experiences, etc. Try to remind him of all you’ve been through together and the bond that you have. It seems like he’s obsessing about the sexual issues and allowing it to cloud his judgement about the gravity and importance of your relationship.
Post # 14
If this is the attitude he has 3 months in, just think how bad its going to be years from now if you decide to stick around- do you think its going to get easier and he is going to get more faithful? I can promise you if he is thinking about it now he will act on it at some point. I know its hard to leave but it is easier than waking up everyday and knowing you are allowing yourself to be mistreated.
Post # 15
Yipeebee: couldn’t have said it better!