(Closed) DH just told me he's met someone else

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 121
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Don’t leave it up to him. The passivity will poison your soul. Make him leave so that YOU can have time to think and so YOU can come to a decision. Otherwise you’ll just repeat this cycle. Talk to a therapist if you want some guidance in making the decision, or realizing that you deserve to.

Post # 122
Member
587 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Ok. I am going to be abundantly generous to your DH at your request. The thing about marriage and monogamy is, it takes lots of hard work. You know this! Somewhere out there, you are a high-ranking Bee who helps other bees manage all kinds of crises. It is always most heartbreaking to see a relationship falling apart when one of the partners is so dedicated and thoughtful, and the other is just an emotional whirlwind of self-centeredness. You might be asking yourself at this point “did I marry a 3 year-old?”

But no. You love him, and you know he is a good person with a good heart when he has his head on straight. So what is going on here? Let me give you my humble opinion: he is immature. He might be the most socially and professionally mature person on the planet, but when it comes to relationships, he is not at all. See, EVERYONE (ok, or most people) have that “OMG I’m never going to be with anyone else ever again” moment.” Even people who have only been with their one and only have that feeling. They remember what it was like to flirt, date, or at least DREAM without feeling guilty. So it’s totally normal to have a moment or two where you feel like marriage is TAKING AWAY more than it is giving you. What’s not so normal is being blatantly, candidly honest about these feelings with your Fiance or spouse.

What is most concerning about your DH is not that he is having these thoughts and feelings, but that he is in a full-blown panic about them, to the point where he feels the need to throw these thigns in your face and destroy your marriage. I think, unfortunately, he has allowed these feelings to fester and now he feels “trapped.” This is all in his head. Anyone who has ever left someone they loved and “finally” scored with a new person knows it is not that awesome at all. I can tell you that. First hand. Your DH has never done this before. You know how people say it’s best to learn lessons the hard way? It is! but omg I’m not suggesting you should let your DH run out on you, I’m just explaining his immaturity in your relationship probably stems from his lack of “hard lessons.” You have shielded him from the harsh realities of dating, and now he sees the whole affair with rose-colored glasses. Like he could just pick up with a random woman at a restaurant without fear of her being a crazy stalker, or having a scary SO/DH/dad, or just being a really promiscuous person–which we all know is a risky life. He hasn’t had to face any of those things, and because of that, he doesn’t have that contrast to help shake himself out of this funk. At this point I want to reiterite that it is not, nor would it ever be, my advice to EVER let someone run out on you. I am only saying these things by way of explanation, to help you better understand where DH is coming from, and to help you decide if this marriage is worth fighting for.

I realize that everything I just said is just about the most unromantic description of marriage anyone could ever give. Marriage is a partnership and both parties need to be invested, but it’s not smooth sailing all the way through. Every so often you might find that you are the only one rowing the boat, it’s going in circles, and your “partner” is over there on the other side of the boat watching netflix on an ipad in his underwear. This is just a fact. Sometimes you have to row alone, and if you stay with someone long enough, you will find yourself on both sides of my description above. That doesn’t mean you should NEVER GIVE UP on a failing relationship. You have to ask yourself, is this boat just going in circles, or are we sinking?

So back to you and your DH. This is an emotionally taxing situation you are in. Please ask yourself how much more you have left to give before YOU are in danger of depression or unmanageable emotional stress. Be honest with yourself. Even if you are certain you want to fight for your DH, you won’t succeed if you are emotionally unwell. You can go to therapy right now, even couples’ therapists will see you without your DH. they might even have suggestions for you on how to convince him to go. Also consider group therapy. I love group therapy. The Bee is great, but there is something amazing about looking a group of people in the eye that I really like. Emotional health is number 1. Check in with yourself often.

Now on to DH. Do you really want to be with him after he said these things to you? Sure, part of this is due to his immaturity with how to deal with relationships, but there are PLENTY of men out there in this exact situation who would never say these things. You have to consider the fact that even if you convince him to stay, these feelings of his will continue to resurface periodically, and he will continueto manage them poorly. You don’t deserve to be regularly subjected to something like this. It is possible if you let him go he will come crawling back. It is also possible that if you let him go he will be gone for good. Consider dumping him. Think of a child having a tantrum. Sometimes the best thing is to just leave them alone, as reasoning with them is not possible.

Whatever you do, do NOT do anything like a “trial separation” or a “free pass” or anything where you give him the message that if he acts inappropriately, he will get exactly what he wants. Think again of a child having a tantrum. I know it is hard to let go in a situation like this, but do not give him the impression he can run off, sow his wild oats, and then walk right back to his old life with no consequences. Make sure he is clear that if he does this, it is over. You don’t have to go overboard and say “I will never take you back ever again” (unles this is true, then go ahead and say it), but be firm that the relationship is over. If he does leave, have an affair, and want you back, it will be on him to grovel and beg. It will not be automatic. I will always counsel against getting back with someone in this situation, but I will never judge anyone who does. Only you know your love.

Post # 123
Member
1305 posts
Bumble bee

OP- I am genuinely sorry that you are going thru this, and yes…. as the other posters have said, I think you really are in denial over just how horrible this is. I understand! I think many of us have been in situations, whether it be in a romantic relationsip, at work, whatever…. and we do what we can to smooth things over for a variety of reasons ( eg. can’t imagine being with someone else, hope the situation will change, too afraid to make a move or of being alone, etc)… but you know something?

The longer you let someone treat you poorly/disrespectfully, etc the HARDER it is to break that cycle when you move on to your next relationship. I don’t think anyone reading what has occured believes that your dh can do a 180 and turn into Mr. Perfect. You might be in denial now, but reality will hit you at some point. I say this with all sincerity… Is this how you want to live your life? wondering if he is thinking about other women? wondering if he is faithful to you? wondering if he will put your and your family first? Don’t you think EVERY woman deserves to be certain about her husband? and shouldn’t two people in a marriage be commited to one another?

Your husband sounds like a teenager. I would use the time that you are living apart to come up with an exit strategy that works FOR YOU. Another poster wrote that saying you want to divorce and actually doing it are two diferent things, and I COMPLETELY agree. But sit down and make yourself a list so that you are doing things as calmly and rationally as you can. I bet you have your mom and grandma for support and probably many others too. Separate your finances, divvy up the bills, etc…. let him know that you are serious. NO woman deserves what you are going through. I hope you can look back at this situation in 10 years and know in your heart that leaving him was the best thing you could have done for yourself.

Post # 124
Member
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2016 - Sacred Heart Catholic Church

This is going to sound harsh, but you just have cats, take them and leave!!  

My ex was emotionally abusive and manipulative. He ruined my self esteem that I thought things were my fault and I needed him.  I would ignore my gut instinct and believe all the lies he would tell me.  One night, he tried his emotional bull crap and told me he was no longer in love with me and hadn’t been for a long time.  He told me he wanted me gone by the next day.  At first, I begged and pleaded, told him I was sorry, I would stop accusing him of cheating, I would do whatever it took to keep our family together (we had a 3 month old).  The next morning, I realized this would be my life if I did not call his bluff and leave.  It was one of the hardest things I have ever done.  He had me so emotionally broke down, I had no self esteem.  He had slowly separated me from all my friends and family.  He made it where I was financially dependent on him. It took a very long time to get over him, but I did.  He now is in a string of relationships and barely has a relationship with his son.  I found a good guy; a guy I do not need, but want.  I still have self esteem/ self worth issues (this is after 10 years away from my ex), but my fiancé is supportive and understanding.

The point of this is it will be one of the hardest things you will do, but you have to make the right decision for YOU, your husbands feelings be damned.  He does not care if he is hurting you right now, he is emotionally torturing you right now.  Do YOU really want to live the rest of your life like this?  Do YOU want to ignore your gut feeling and let it slowly eat you up?  It is up to him to prove he has never slept with her.  It is up to him at this point to prove his worth.  It is up to him to fight for you.  The situation sucks, but you have to be the one to take control of your life, not him.

Post # 125
Member
10697 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

View original reply
ksks1234:  That was a brave and potentially very helpful post . I hope the OP reads and takes heart and does likewise, without  the damage you have had to overcome  ( and without  the three month old baby too)  

Hope your life is lovely now !

Post # 126
Member
362 posts
Helper bee

Update, please!

Post # 128
Member
2317 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

View original reply
sadbee2015:  I haven’t read every reply but from my experience of this situation, he will go sleep with the other girl a few times, realise it’s nothing special and come crawling back. 

Post # 129
Member
2016 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

View original reply
sadbee2015:  Don’t let him be the only one knowing the options legally. Seek legal advice for yourself as well. Best to hear your options first hand. Chin up and keep your focus on yourself and your personal well being. No one can love you like you can. Best of luck going forward.

Post # 130
Member
5775 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
MrsKing212:  And who exactly should want to put up with a guy who goes out, cheats, then comes crawling back only because the fantasy didn’t live up to the reality? At some point a woman has to have enough self-esteem not to put up with unacceptable situaitons. You cheat, you’re done, I’m not an option for you to come back and make do with until the next tantalizing possibility crosses your path.

Post # 131
Member
1305 posts
Bumble bee

I’m so sorry you are going through this.

I didn’t read your entire thread, but I sure hope you two try couple’s counseling.  I have gathered the impression he hasn’t done this before, and that you believe him.  You both need to learn to care for each other, and how to communicate your feelings so that this doesn’t happen again.  

If you want to save this marriage, I hope you do.  If he doesn’t, I really hope the best for you guys.  Keep us posted.

Post # 132
Member
1650 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
sadbee2015:   This sounds so immature of him, can I ask how old you guys are? 

 

Post # 133
Member
14160 posts
Honey Beekeeper

View original reply
sadbee2015:  Correction. H is seeking legal advice so that he knows all his options. I strongly suggest you do the same. 

I’m so sorry for what you are going through. My guess is he is already checked out and committed to exploring things with this other woman. 

How are your finances? Do you have a job or career? Do you think money is playing any role in H’s concerns about a potential split? In yours? 

Post # 134
Member
697 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
sadbee2015:  While you noticed the decline in intimacies, i  think that was a huge red flag. Did you want the wedding and not the marriage? Many don’t think of the 40-50 years after. Both of you need to commit 100% to this. I hope for the best for both of you. if you need to talk, I’m here!

Post # 135
Member
603 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

View original reply
beckybee787:  thisthisthis. well said, bee!!!

The topic ‘DH just told me he's met someone else’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors