DH left for work early angry and I don't know why

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
Post # 137
Member
2472 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 1995

nickels :  Bahahahaha …. love it!

 

Ya OP  I have heard that line “maybe you would be happier with someone else” It is a passive /agressive threat meant to scare you into submission. It could be as annabananabee says but in my experience the  person using this technique usually does have low self-esteem and poor communication skills and is unable to process and verbalize their own  emotions so they turn to this childish  sort of emotional blackmail to deflect from the real  problem.

Post # 138
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

is_a_belle : 

OP, you’ve still not really detailed and explained what it is about the breastfeeding that is the root of this…the actual REAL issue. You said it is being uncovered while feeding..,while in front of others.

Many others on here keep saying that you are still covered while Boyfriend or Best Friend uncovered. Well, you’ve known the guy for roughly ten years. What is the exact issue? What about the Boyfriend or Best Friend is the problem?

Is it just the covered vs. not covered while doing it? If so, why is this the hill you want to die on, why is being covered such a life or death issue for you?

Is this your last child to where you are done with this issue once this kid is weaned?

Do you have other kids? If so what happended during the breast feeding stages with them?

Please, more details.

Post # 139
Member
1172 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

derville :  Have you read her updates? Clearly, she does not know what the root of the issue is because her husband is blindsiding her with all this stuff and not communicating properly. I think it’s safe to say that the root of the issue has nothing to do with breastfeeding/nudity.

Post # 140
Member
438 posts
Helper bee

derville :  What is the exact issue?..  Please, more details.

Her husband is an arsemarmot.  Do you need a picture drawn or something?

Post # 141
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

franklymydearidont :  

She did say they’ve argued over this in the past, this is an old issue coming to a head again. This isn’t the very first time this has ever come up. 

Post # 142
Member
5978 posts
Bee Keeper

garnobella :  I’m wondering the same thing. Could he be having depression or other serious mental health issues? Given his complete turnaround from his regular character and the number of stresses going on in his life, he’s behaving irrationally and out of character. Breastfeeding issue aside, it’s not normal to get ready for work in the dark in silent anger rather than tell your partner what’s upsetting them. And the out-of-the-blue ‘you’d be happier with someone else’? ITA his behaviour is hurtful and unacceptable, but I’m wondering if there’s a medical/mental health issue underlying this whole bizarre thing? 

((((hugs)))) OP I feel so sad for you, please keep us updated. 

Post # 143
Member
1285 posts
Bumble bee

I second the comment about making him eat your anniversary dinner under a blanket.  And while we’re at it, tell him you no longer feel comfortable with him using a urinal in a public bathroom—-God forbid some guy …maybe even a gay one (gasp!)* … might see his dick while standing near him.  *Sarcasm intended, obviously.

I’m sorry, but I’m just enraged on your behalf.  Admittedly, my husband was INITIALLY a little weirded out by BFing too, but he got over it real quick and never, ever, made me feel guilty about feeding OUR son.  Your husband seriously needs to grow the fuck up.  

And while I’m ranting, I’ve also been through my fair share of stress, including a death due to cancer, but that’s no excuse to be a total asshole to people.  So to the extent that he tries to claim his anger over BFing was part of the bigger stress picture, it’s just not a valid excuse.  What he did … leaving early, not responding to texts, etc. is just unacceptable in an adult relationship.  ESPECIALLY when you did nothing wrong in the first place.  Nor could this one event possibility justify the comments he made about thinking you’d be happier with someone else, etc.  I agree that this Boyfriend or Best Friend thing is just an excuse for a deeper problem — but he needs to deal with that like an adult and stop playing games.

Every one of your updates has made me sadder for you.  And more angry.  I’m so sorry, OP.  You don’t deserve this.

Post # 144
Member
2472 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 1995

anothernewbee16 :  lol I nearly said the same thing about her Darling Husband whipping his dick out to per but held back on that one. Glad u didn’t!

Right. The real problem is not why he is upset or what iy id reslly about so much as how he is handling it and the blatant mistreating of  his wife – the mother of his child! He is clearly using tactics meant to make her uncomfortable, scared and insecure in order to give him power over her. That way he can bully her into obeying his will rather than having a mature discussion like two stable, caring and mutually respective adults. He seems to have some very childish traits in this way.

OP stay strong and do not let him play these mind games against you. We’re all thinking of you and on your side in this. No matter what his issues or insecurities he has no right to mistreat you or belittle you or manipulate you with these tactics (like stonewalling and silent treatment ) making you worry needlessly when you have enough stress to deal with as a new mother and caring for his ill father.

*hugs*

Post # 145
Member
9132 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

I have to say – the whole “I’m not sure I’m happy, maybe you’d be happier with someone else, I need space, I need to think” thing makes it seem like this is about much more than breastfeeding.  Obviously I have no idea what’s going on with him, but I will just thow it out there that those kinds of responses are textbook depression or, I hate to say it, textbook cheating on you.  I would just make sure your radar is up and on alert  :/  I’m really sorry this is happening to you.  

Post # 146
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

elderbee :  when my ex started in on with bringing up old fights and “needing space to figure things out” and told me the line about how I’d be happier with someone else, it meant that he was cheating. I’d be looking at his schedule & potential to cheat. It’s exactly during times of high stress that people cheat to feel better & then feel guilty about it & start projecting onto their spouse.

Post # 147
Member
2061 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

“When I have heard that line “maybe you would be happier with someone else” it is a passive /agressive threat meant to scare you into submission.” 

Exactly right. Oh Bee, I am sorry he is acting this way. This is so unacceptable and it’s fighting dirty — something you certainly don’t expect of your long-time partner and father of your baby. I undertand that this must be shocking. As you go through this conflict with him, please don’t ever forget that you deserve dignity and respect from him, even in the midst of an argument. Don’t ever feel less than him or as if you need to “tone it down,” agree to anything that is unreasonable, beg, plead, or change yourself to get him to stay. Don’t be afraid to question him. He wants you to be scared that he will leave, so you will “behave.” In my experience, it is never worth lowering yourself for another person, even the love of your life.

Post # 149
Member
6738 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

lolot :  “Obviously I have no idea what’s going on with him, but I will just thow it out there that those kinds of responses are textbook depression or, I hate to say it, textbook cheating on you.”

That’s where my mind went as well.

OP I’m so sorry. This thread has made me so sad and angry on your behalf…and it just keeps getting worse! I don’t know what to tell you but just…we’re here for you. 

Post # 150
Member
2926 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

is_a_belle :  I just got around to reading all the responses and updates and I first want to say I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

My personal feeling, just based on what you posted, is that the Boyfriend or Best Friend issue is the straw that broke the camel’s back.  Something had happened that caused him to snap.

There are actually a lot of men who don’t agree or don’t like breastfeeding.  My sister is a pediatrician and sees this a lot more often than you would think.  Many times, the men are jealous that they cannot provide the same thing for their child.  They aren’t able to have the same kind of bonding experience Boyfriend or Best Friend offers and it makes them feel very inadequate.

In your husband’s case, I’m wondering if he is feeling very inadequate.  You said you’re a Stay-At-Home Mom, right?  And he is the sole provider, not only to a new baby but to a terminally ill father as well.  And there’s shit going on at work – maybe his job is on the line?  Maybe there’s going to be layoffs and the reality of him being this sole provier is just too much for him and he snapped and feeding his child is just one more thing that he “can’t” do.

I don’t know if I would jump to the cheating conclusion just yet, and this is coming from someone who was cheated on.  Yes, generally when people say something they do mean it, but maybe in this situation he is having a really hard time handling everything and feels like a loser.  Having a new baby is hard enough, and if you worked previously having to adjust to having one income (and all the pressure that goes along with it) can be culture shock.  Some people handle it better than others.  Maybe all this time he was trying to get it together, and seeing you Boyfriend or Best Friend without being totally covered up was the breaking point.

In no way am I defending how he’s acted.  He’s acted like a complete ass, first not answering your texts, and now blaming Boyfriend or Best Friend as the source of his need for space.

You obviously need to talk when he’s cooled down.  I really hope his outburst was just a lot of stress that came to a head.

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