DH left for work early angry and I don't know why

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
Post # 106
Member
11 posts
Newbee

I breastfed 3 kids, believe me, there’s nothing sexy about it.  Breasts are biologically intended for feeding babies not for anything sex related AT ALL! It’s also not easy and is very tiring, you need all the support you can get nevermind another “baby” to worry about while you are trying to feed   yours and HIS baby!

I wouldn’t have been able to keep up with it if not for my husband’s support (woke up with me and kept me company, got the baby for me, even out right grabbed my breast to help the baby latch when I was having trouble LOL!)  I can’t imagine what you are going through but do know you are doing the best you can for your baby and she’s the one that needs your time and effort more than he does.

 

Post # 107
Member
2470 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 1995

I am sorry Bee. That sounds like emotional blackmail. Your Darling Husband needs individual counseling and and maybe couples counseling for the two of you. He has no right to do a complete turnaround on previously agreed upon topics (nursing) and then hold it against you. He needs to learn better communication skills and frankly he needs to get honest with you and himself, stop being so passive /agressive and examine why he is uncomfortable with you nursing to begin with.

Post # 108
Member
2707 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

 majorairhead :  ALL of this.  ALL of the counselling for him and couple’s counselling for both of you.  OP, I’m so sorry.

Post # 109
Member
2470 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 1995

Newgirl87 :  No offense intented toward you. I meant that (about stop letting men lay claim to our bodies)  as a whole society not at any individual. We are all conditioned to oversexualize women and the female body and let “boys be boys” It is time to move past all that. Too much advertising and media still shames eomen and lets men ofg easy. I have 2 teenage boys and I make sure they know women are equal and have a mind of our own. I see a great deal of social change in our youth and I welcome it but there is still a looooong way to go!

 

Post # 110
Member
2470 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 1995

lifeisbeeutiful :  He does if he is immature, has poor communication skills and is just trying punish/hurt/manipulate her.

Post # 112
Member
5188 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

majorairhead :  Naw, I don’t buy it. People don’t change that drastically from a ‘cool, progressive pro-feminism atheist’ to this. There’s a **much** bigger prob here and it ain’t nipples

Post # 113
Member
2470 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 1995

is_a_belle :  You may have been communicating but he clearly has not been and that creates big trouble. Also the fact he has mistepresented himself is concerning. I wish you both all the best but PLZ do not force weaning on your daughter if you or she are not ready. This time with her is precious and short and you cannot get it back. He may not be ablr to inderstand it but if he loves the two of you he should respect it. 

*Hugs*

Post # 114
Member
2470 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 1995

lifeisbeeutiful :  I can tell you from experience sometimes they do. In some cases they get comfortable, let down the facad and reveal their true selves. Sometimes clues were there all along but loved ones write ithem off or overllook them (love is blind) And sometimes the changes come from influence of someone else in their lives “bending their ear” But people can do a °180 seemingly over night.

Post # 115
Member
5188 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

majorairhead :  I don’t think you”get” my point/flew over your head?  Like I said, the breast feeding is *not* the real issue here.

Post # 116
Member
2125 posts
Buzzing bee

Holy heck, this thread threw curveballs at every turn! This is so bizarre.

Honestly, seeing a woman BFing in public makes me a little bit uncomfortable because I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I’m 100% for BFing, and 100% for BFing in public, but when someone is feeding their baby next to me is it wierd for me to look at the baby? Is it wierd to look away? I have only started seeing women feeding in public recently, so I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do. 

OP, does your Darling Husband have depression? It is beyond strange to me that you have been married for nine years and this is coming out now. People can hide parts of their personality, but to have such a big breakdown after being together this long is insane. I would probably be asking him to see a doctor and get blood tests done, then as a PP said look at counselling. Everything is strange – the outburst, the way he just took off early in the morning, the fact that he’s saying you would be happier with someone else? So odd. 

If I were in your shoes I would sit down and talk to him about a “where to from here” plan, and I would still get sushi tomorrow to acknowledge your anniversary. 

Post # 117
Member
2470 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 1995

lifeisbeeutiful :  I get it just fine. My point is that it doesn’t matter what the real issue is at this stage in the game.  maybe he’s against breastfeeding baby he’s not maybe he has deeper issues or has been upset about other things in the marriage and maybe not. All irrelevant untill he learns to communicate effectively. What matters noe is how he is handling his issue(s) whatever they may be which is very immaturely and how he has  chosen  to attack his wife for feeding/nurturing  their child – belittling her and shaming  her for something that is perfectly natural.

A man may comit a crime for many reasons but the law is not concerned with the whys.  He stands trial for what he does not why he does it.

Post # 118
Member
8957 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

is_a_belle :  

Have followed it all and I was  straight into  raging about the whole breastfeeding issue like most bees, but I must say that  later I began to worry about those ominous words about needing space (needing space ffs!  who is he , George  Costanza?  He’ll  be telling you it’s not you, it’s him soon.)  

More seriously , while I don’t doubt he has stupid issues over breastfeeding, I think he is  using that to  fuel his anger and to deflect  from something else , I  fear it is the desire to leave and/or there is another woman in the  offing. I hope I’m  wrong, but its just that  bloody  needing space  phrase ….

I do realise  how much awful pressure you are both under though,   and so whatever it is , it may not be permanent or totally damaging . I DO hope not. 

Post # 119
Member
2470 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 1995

garnobella :  You look at a breastfeeding mother as you would anyone else.  If you are having a conversation you make eye contact. If you are a passerby no need to look at all.

Yes – a medical workup is a very good idea.

Post # 120
Member
2663 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

is_a_belle :  Hi Bee, I’m sorry to hear about your struggles with Darling Husband and just life being a battle all around right now. You and Darling Husband are going through so much right now.

New house. New area. New baby. Darling Husband has a terminally ill father which will bring up so much stuff, good and bad. Terminally ill Father-In-Law living in your new house with your new baby. Darling Husband going through hell at work. You’re struggling to find your footing. It’s your anniversary tomorrow and he feels like rubbish.

You realise how much of a mammoth task all of that is, right? You two are basically superheroes. I think even just the new baby aspect would be more than enough for me to handle!

Darling Husband was an arsehole about the breastfeeding. If that were my Darling Husband…well, I’m not sure he’d still have all of his appendages. But with your current situation…I am not convinced that Darling Husband actually has an issue with breastfeeding. I think he’s just picking on something he knows will anger you (I hope).

He has the weight of the world on his shoulders right now. I don’t say that to invalidate how hard things are for you too either. Perhaps he’s feeling guilty (which would be unwarranted) about putting you on this position. It’s the type of thing my Darling Husband would do. Perhaps he’s feeling overwhelmed, doesn’t know how to deal with his emotions, and is taking it out on you. I can’t believe that after 14 years of being a decent, progressive person he is suddenly a sexist bastard. I sincerely hope that isn’t the case – it doesn’t add up!

I’d take him out. Maybe sushi is a good idea to relax him? Only you’d know. You need to talk to him though. He needs to know that you love him, that he’s doing an incredible job and that you’re trying to do the same from your end too. Tell him that you were dumbfounded by the breastfeeding nonsense he’s been directing at you and that you refuse to believe that those are his beliefs. Tell him no matter what’s going on you’re there to support him. Remind him that you’re a team. Don’t let the ‘I’m insecure and therefore you’re better off without me’ crap fly.

Did he have a happy upbringing? I just keep thinking that the Dad factor shouldn’t be overlooked. If one of my parents were dying in my home with my partner who is trying to mother my new baby while I’m missing everything at home and feeling guilty then I’d be having issues too.

The other Dad was a trigger. Maybe he sees himself as less as this other Dad? Maybe other Dad has it all together? Other Dad doesn’t flinch when my wife exposes herself (whatever the f*ck is going through his head. I am completely on your side) to feed our child, I’m not that relaxed about it…

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