(Closed) DH not being supportive

posted 5 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 3
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@future mrs:  Sounds like my Darling Husband. Hugs to you! I know its a little scary but you will get through it. Darling Husband was totally like this my first pregnancy. I sat him down and told him this pregnancy you WILL be there. I don’t care if I drag you kicking and screaming. You need to be honest with him on how you feel. Do you have any family close by? Maybe your mom can go to appointments with you?

Post # 4
Member
1326 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@future mrs:  I can understand that you’re concerned. I would be, too.

How long have you been married? Is he maybe nervous about becoming a father?

Post # 5
Member
920 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Oh no!!  Some men just are not as into it as others.  I am surprised he wasnt at least interested in the ultrasound though!

Maybe when the baby gets here – he will understand what all of the fuss was all about and be all about the baby after that.

Sorry you are in it alone though, I can imagine that would be so frustrating.

 

Post # 6
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

im scared for you! personally, i would go nuts on him! how bloody rude and inconsiderate the lazy git. give him a hard time over this or nothing will change.

Post # 7
Member
1145 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@future mrs:  I don’t blame him not wanting to go tour the hospital, or go daycare shopping Or your doctors appointments.

Pick one or two things that you want him there for instead of a laundry list of appointments and things to do.

Post # 8
Member
3170 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

That’s really tough, I would feel the exact same way. I asked my husband if we was going to go to appointments with me once we got pregnant and his response was ‘I don’t know, maybe if I have the day off’. Ugh….I always thought he would want to be there. Oh well, men suck.

Post # 9
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

If I may ask, what was his excitement level at the prospect of TTC? Was he into it, or more ambivalent, or did you have to talk him into it? If he feels like this is “your show” then I can see why he might be acting this way. If he was all in on the TTC plan, then he needs to seriously buck up.

Either way, you need to get real with him about how involved hes going to be when the baby gets here. Sorry you have to go through this 🙁

Post # 10
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Did you discuss this with him before TTC? Have you discussed the roles the two of you will play in raising the child? It sounds like there were some miscommunicated expectations made on both ends. You guys have discussed discipline, schooling, housework etc after the baby comes, yes?

Post # 11
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

@Captain013:  You “don’t blame him”?! Are you kidding? It’s 50% his kid. He needs to suck it up and be involved!

Post # 13
Member
2849 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

That is disappointing. I would have a talk with him and tell him how important these events are to you, and you would like him to be there.

Post # 15
Member
931 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

You need to have a frank talk with him ASAP. It sounds like you have been tiptoing around this – just hoping he will come around.  It’s possible that he is having a lot of feelings/nerves about becoming a father and so is avoiding the tour/appointments because of that. But there are other possibilities too.

It’s time to tell him what you are feeling about this and ask him how he is feeling. You don’t want to wait until your child is born to find out that he views all of this as “your job”.

I look at the world of having a baby like a team sport with you and your husband. The woman (as the one who carries/breastfeeds etc) is the captain, but the husband is still the other teammate and has to play. He is not allowed to sit on the sidelines!

Post # 16
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

@future mrs:  To me, it doesn’t sound like you set your expectations with him about his participation early enough in your pregnancy. It’s difficult after you’ve been so lackadaisical with his involvement to suddenly expect him to jump to attention and start pitching in. 

Before Darling Husband and I enter a new phase in our lives (moving in, getting married, having children…etc), we have long, drawn out conversations regarding our expectations of the other person. We set the ground rules about our levels of participation and who is responsible for each element, so they’re no surprise or fighting once a situation arises.

For instance, Darling Husband does not do yard work. He made this very clear when we were moving in together. So I had a choice, either I do all of the yard work without complaining that he’s not pitching in, or we hire someone. This conversation eliminated years of “you never help out around the house” arguments and hurt feelings.

Unfortunately, I think it might be too late for you to do this with your pregnancy, but definitely not too late for the arrival of the child.

Think of all of the new situations you will be in (hourly feedings, changings, Dr. appointments, shopping/errands…etc), sit down with a big list, and discuss your expectations. It’s give and take. If he doesn’t want to do diapering, he sure as hell will be doing the 3 am feeding…..

Does this make sense?

 

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