Post # 1
I’m really upset and could use some advice.
Darling Husband has always been hesitant to have kids, even when we started dating 9+ years ago. I told him I undestood, but that I wanted a family, so he had to tell me by the time I turned 28 if he truly did not want children and we’d most likely go our separate ways. Well, we got married 1 month before my 28th birthday, and at that time Darling Husband was on board with wanting a family in the future.
I planted the seed with Darling Husband on my 29th birthday that I wanted to start trying in 1 year. I figured this would give Darling Husband some time to get used to it, especially since even with the best of luck, it would still mean almost 2 years before we actually had a child.
I stopped BC on my 30th birthday, and Darling Husband seemed excited. We were going to start officially TTC this month. Well, that all changed over the past few weeks. He has started freaking out about the possibility of having a child. He says that he likes his free time and he wants to focus on work and not be told when and where he has to be all the time.
Here’s the kicker – he can’t tell me when he will feel like he’s ready. It may be never. He has a history of rejecting change only to embrace it once it’s forced upon him, but I don’t want to bring a child into the world to a hesitant father. However, I feel like once the baby is born, he will be a wonderful father and really happy we took the leap.
I’m so lost. I thought he was finally on board and we were both so excited. I feel like I was duped into marrying someone who may never want children, and that was a huge dealbraker from day 1.
Everything else in our relationship is so great. I don’t know how to move forward. We are seeing a counselor in a few days, but I wanted to try to get some advice here too…
Post # 3
@ExcitedScaredBee: *hugs* that’s tough to hear. I’m really glad to see that you’re going to see a counselor, because you specifically told him that having a family was one of your priorities and he was okay with that. My Darling Husband has a hard time with big changes (and has gotten better with counseling for his own issues). He had a freak-out regarding TTC and his freedoms, etc. but came to the conclusion that he would never be totally “ready” and had to take the bull by the horns. I’m 26 weeks pregnant with twins, and while we have our moments of “OMG this is actually happening!!” it has been handled pretty well.
Other than suggesting you try not to speak to him about it when emotions are high, I don’t have much else for you other than applauding your decision to see a counselor together! Good luck!
Post # 4
@shimmerofheaven: Congrats on your twins!! Thank you so much for understand and for your advice.
It’s so frustrating when I KNOW that Darling Husband will absolutly adore being a father, but it’s not something you can “try out” and see if you like it. It’s all or nothing :(. We had the same discussions about moving in together and about getting married (hence why we were together for 7 years before marriage). He listens to all of these unhappy married people who tell him that marriage and kids ruin your life, take away your freedom…etc and it gets into his head. Meanwhile, now that we finally are married and living together, he’s so happy and can’t remember why he was so scared. I just want to scream “you’ll feel the same way when we have a child!!!”
Post # 5
Is this a dealbreaker for him? Maybe find out if it’s fear of all the changes or if it’s truly something he just doesn’t want for his life. I made it clear to my Fiance that if he ever changed his mind about the kids thing, then our relationship wouldn’t work and we’d have to separate (and that’s true for the future, too – it we get married and he changes his mind, then we’ll have to divorce). I’m the opposite of you, OP, I don’t ever want kids. But like you, I feel very strongly about it. Is this something either of you is willing to walk away from the relationship over? It sounds like you would if he won’t have kids… but is he willing to walk away if you do insist on having kids?
Post # 6
@MadameTussaud: This is something that we are going to have to explore in counseling.
On one hand, I can’t imagine my life without my own children. On the other, I can’t imagine it without Darling Husband, and if I end things with him, there’s no guarantee that I will find someone else, marry then and have children, so I might be left without Darling Husband and without kids. On the other hand, I don’t know if I can go through the rest of our marriage/lives without children and not resent him.
I don’t think that having kids is a dealbreaker for Darling Husband, but what I could imagine happening is that, in the instances that kids do hinder his freedom or career, he will resent me. Even if those 99% of our time as parents is wonderful, there will always be that 1% (tantrums, teething, blown-out diapers….teenage years….) where he will think “I didn’t even want this to begin with.”
There’s just no telling until we’re actually forced to make some sort of decision how we will feel afterwards…