(Closed) DH resents my parents

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
2783 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I don’t think he’s necessarily trying to hurt you…it sounds like his wounds from losing his dad are still very raw, and being around your dad is hard for him Maybe he doesn’t want to get close to your dad because he doesn’t want to “forget” his. Grief can work in strange ways.I think you need to stop taking this so personally because it has very little to do with you. It might be a good idea for him to talk to someone.  It’s obvious he feels a lot of anger about losing his dad….

Post # 4
307 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

See if he’ll go see a grief counselor.  I can see that he’s hurting, but old wounds need to heal.

Post # 5
2297 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

you need to sit down and talk about this when a visit isn’t on the horizon. let him know that you understand the grief he has of his father’s death but that stopping you from seeing your parents (due to complaining etc) isn’t okay – and that in the same vein of his ‘i want to spend time with my dad’ is that you DO have your parents here – so you should both cultivate a great relationship with them because unfortunately as he knows, they won’t always be around. 

ask him imagine if you lost your parents unexpectedly – would either of you regret spending time with them three times total together? that’s SO little time – it’s really unfair. he needs to embrace your family as his and open up to the idea that he might have a great relationship with him if he tried. 

i’m sorry he’s hurting so much, but he does need to seriously think about how this attitude of ‘my dad’s gone, so who cares about your parents’ is really unhealthy and selfish. i’m sure he doesn’t mean it that way – but it still is. i hope you can work out a better balance.

Post # 8
9082 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I don’t think he’s trying to hurt you, truthfully.

2 and a half years is not a long time to mourn the loss of someone, especially a parent. People grieve in different ways and it seems that your dad brings him a lot of anguish. You have something he doesn’t anymore. He’ll never get his father back.

That isn’t your fault, and it isn’t your father’s fault, but grief is painful, damaging, and it lasts a very long time.

I don’t necessarily agree with grief counseling. I lost my best friend 15 years ago and I bounced between a couple of them, and they all pressured me to grieve in ways that I didn’t want. They tried to convince me that it was time to move on when I hadn’t properly followed the steps that I needed to follow.

Support him and while it is difficult, try to be understanding. Maybe in time as his wounds heal your father can be a father figure to him, too.

Post # 9
659 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Maybe he could talk to a Christian paster or Christian counsellor? 

I’m not sure how the Church would find out. If a counsellor ever shared that he was going for therapy that would be a huge confidentialilty no-no. 

Post # 11
2874 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

i can’t imagine how hard it is to lose a parent, but at this point he doesn’t get to use it as a ‘get out of everything he doesnt want to’ card. i would honestly wonder if hes trying to make you uncomfortable so you don’t press the issue

i think i would point out how much time youd spent with his mum/family compared to your own. and say that part of marriage is building a good relationship with the inlaws. I would say that if he needs to see a grief counsellor you will 100% support him in this (i know right now he is saying he doesnt but maybe later), but that its time he started making an effort with your family. 

i think hes got used to saying things like “i want to spend time with my dad can you make it happen” and you feel guilty and back down. next time, id try and bring things to a head and say “no clearly not, but im hoping i can make a decent relationship between my husband and parents happen”. look him in the eyes and say nothing else.

he’s in pain and hurting…but, addressing the issues by saying that this negative/selfish attitude can’t go on might help him confront it

Post # 13
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I lost my mother many years ago. Perhaps it is the time that’s passed that has dulled the pain, but I would never distance myself from my Mother-In-Law because I had lost my own mom. I am excited to have his mother in my life. Not to replace the one I lost (impossible), but to share the closeness/bond that I’ve been missing. It’s horrible that your Fiance lost his dad but by continuing what he is doing he’s only robbing himself of another positive relationship. Grief counseling is a good idea. I had a lot of anger after mom died and I likely would have been able to move past it faster than I did if I had spoke to somebody about how I was feeling. Good luck.

Post # 14
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@lilsistam:   Hurt people hurt other people. it doesn’t SOUND like he means to hurt you but he does sound a bit depressed especially if he can not move on. 

 I would phrase it like ” I understand that you are still hurting from the loss of your dad, but it’s no way to honor the dead by niglecting the living.  I know it’s hard for you to spend time with my parents,  but I would ask for you to try.  They are still around and by gods grace will be for many more years, but we don’t know that, they could be gone tomrrow, no one knows what the future brings.  I am feeling hurt and resentful of your contined refuseal and subsequent guilttrip everytime we talk about spending time with my parents.  I am concerned FOR you because this is not healthy, for both you and our relationship. 

Post # 15
7643 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

View original reply

” I understand that you are still hurting from the loss of your dad, but it’s no way to honor the dead by niglecting the living.”


The whole thing was good. That part was just perfect.

Post # 16
9681 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@lilsistam:  It sounds like he needs to cut the apron strings and put his wife first not his mom or his deceased father. Yes, death is hard but are you going to let it run the rest of your life and negatively impact you forever? His father is decesased but yours isn’t and he has the opportunity to have a relationship with him. He is being a juvenile about it and if I were you, I would go and see my parents on my own. No one is going to keep me from my family (unless there is a very valid reason).

Holidays need to be split and time needs to be divded in a way you both find fair, not just him.

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