- 2 weeks ago
Hi, all. Looong time lurker, first-time poster here and I could really use some advice right now. I’m sorry if this gets too long.
I want to preface this by saying that DH told me years ago that Mother-In-Law is bipolar and that Father-In-Law was advised by Drs to place her in a care facility, but he never did as I guess he just figured she’d do fine on medication, I really don’t know the whole story to that.
Anyway, I’m currently 15 weeks pregnant so my emotions are a little all over the place, but especially so with Thanksgiving around the corner as it reminds me of an incident with my Mother-In-Law that took place on Thanksgiving 2 years ago. I want to mention that we won’t be seeing the in-laws this year due to COVID, which I know has been so stressful for everyone and I hope everyone stays safe during these times.
So here is the incident from 2 yrs ago:
We were having Thanksgiving at SIL’s house. I had just given birth to our DS, their 3rd grandson, 2 weeks prior. SIL & Brother-In-Law have 2 kids, with the 1st having been conceived on their first try. It took us a year to conceive DS.
Things were going just fine until Mother-In-Law has a sudden outburst saying that she wants a girl, meaning a grand-daughter, and that “SIL was the most fertile out of all of us and now she can’t have anymore kids” as she had a tubal ligation following the birth of their 2nd. This outburst seriously came out of nowhere and really highlights how quickly she can go from pleasant to rather vicious.
I didn’t have much of a reaction at the time other than being completely blindsided by what I had just heard. No one said anything and things just kinda continued as normal. Once I had time to process, it hit me how truly hurtful this was for me and SIL. I talked with SIL about it and she felt that her mom was just trying to hurt her over the tubal and not me, but the fact is, I had just given birth and my son didn’t seem to matter as much because he wasn’t a girl. Not to mention the fact that apparently, I’m “not as fertile” as my SIL since it took us longer to conceive, which is a pain and hurt I know many can relate to.
Talking about it with DH has not proved to be of much use. He thinks that if I was hurt by Mother-In-Law comments we should try to talk to her about apologizing, otherwise, I need to just let it go and move on. I know this is how he’s used to doing things in his family and I know he’s more used to being able to tune out MIL’s comments, but it feels like he’s dismissing my feelings.
I’ve started to feel anger and resentment towards DH for not laying down the law with Mother-In-Law in the first place and letting her know that he won’t tolerate her putting me down, as she’s always made comments here and there, but knowing how she is, I would just brush them off. But this time I just can’t. I think it’s a combination of her words, disregard for her grandson, and DH’s attitude that’s preventing me from moving on and I don’t know what to do.
I know I need to move past it, but I don’t know how when there’s pretty much no chance of closure, as Mother-In-Law is not going to acknowledge wrongdoing, and talking with her is going to make her feel attacked and DH agrees that I’m probably right about that. By The Way, DH and I have talked about this at length and each time it feels like he just doesn’t understand why I can’t let it go (comments never bother him), he even told me that I should work on getting better at letting things go…I’m so beyond frustrated bees, please help!
Thank you for reading!